I’m letting go tonight of a woman I loved for the past 17 years. I have decided that I just can’t make this work. She walks around with her boyfriends cell phone and is disengaging from her family more and more each day. I will be seeing the divorce attorneys this week and will be going for custody of my children. I keep on trying to save my wife and I now realize that I need to save my children and myself. I will be canceling my call with Steve Harley. I need to get into the mind set for a bitter divorce. This was the last thing I wanted.

Quick question:<P>If it's the last thing you wanted, why are you doing it?<P>Keep that appointment with Steve!<P>You haven't been at this long enough to give in yet!!!

adamsol,<P>I know that you feel that all is lost. But if you do turly love your wife and do not want a divorce, then please keep your appointment with Steve. It cannot hurt and will probably help.<P>Have you taken the advice given to you on your other thread to read the book Surviving an Affair? Have you read the material on this web site? Are you familiar with Plan A and Plan B. <P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

I just had an explosive exchange with my wife. I told her that I will not lie down and die and life will not just go on as normal without me. I told her that every time I look at her I see the OM cell phone and love letters. This is the second time for her. Sure let me shower her with love while he plans my life with the OM. She must feel very cheap. I feel beat up and this is number two. Should I really try and save her again so next year she can have another affair with anyone that will listen. At what point do you say that her problems are just to deep and her deprivation just too much.

adamsol,<P>This is not about saving her. It's about saving you and your children. If your wife decides to join you in recovery then it will be her gain.<P>While MB is about saving marriages, it is mostly about personal growth. I do not need to tell you that you are going through hell. You need all of the support you can get not matter what direction your marriage takes. That is what your appoint with Steve a aught to be about right now and why I suggested that you read the book and material on this website.<P>I have been where you are before. I divorced my XH in 1996-97. The reason I put a one-year time frame here is to point out to you that a divorce takes a very long time to get through. Mine took almost a year and a half. You will have to deal with your wife no matter what happens. My XH still calls me and yells at me to this day. I still have to deal with his insults and belligerence to this day because we are co parenting our son. I know that I need all the help I can get to handle what this man dishes out to our son and me. <BR> Since you have children you will deal with her for the rest of your life. So get help for you and your children first. <P>What you will learn from MB will be useful to you if you stay in your current marriage or not. If you end up divorcing your current wife, it will help you in future relationships.<P>I am looking for the right words here to get this across to you. Don’t know if I’ve succeeded. <P>Z<BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Thank you Z. I need to protect my children from a mother that has lost touch and drinks too much and has become a narcissist. They should never know that she has chosen to destroy a family rather then fight for it, that she has had two different affairs while married to they’re father. I gave her the Benz the housekeeper and all the free time she needed. What did I get in return, nothing . Love means letting go.

Adamsol,<P>You are right that sometimes love means letting go. That's what Plan B is about. Plan A is really about healing yourself. <P>My husband (SeenTheLight) had a similar situation in his prevous marriage. His XW left him and their children for one of her OM. She was also drinking heavily and probably doing heavier stuff too. Today he has custody of his children. They live with us. They see her for xmas, spring break and 1 month in the summer. It has been so very hard on them. They love their mother and do not want to understand that she walked out on them. Perhaps he and I can give you some support in this area as we live with it daily.<P>In the best of all possible worlds, you wife will wake up one day soon and realize that she wants her family more then anything in this world. But since she is exercising the free will the good Lord gave us all you have no clue where this will take you. But you have free will too and can do what is right for you and your children. <P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Z. STL has given me advice a few days ago . See wifes second affair. I will need advice on gaining custody. I know its expensive but well worth it. The ages are 12, 8,7.<BR>I know this will scar them. My wife said to a friend that she comes from a broken home and she turned aot all right.? She truly is in a big fog. After this is over she'll wake up and her affair will be over and her family as she knew it will be gone. Her beauty is fading very fast, she looks hard and bitter.

adamsol,<P>Your wife still lives at home right?<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Yes still at home. I’m looking at a very long divorce. I wish she would leave and give her family a rest. She is in a fog and there is no way this won't affect our children. I was told the I'm an enabler a rescuer. If that is correct then I need to rescue my children and myself. I'm still young enough to rebuild,”My three sons" Has a nice ring to it!

Z. What is your email address ? Thank you for offering your surpport. Adamsol

My concern here is that if you file for divorce she will still be living in the family home. Has there been any talk of her moving out? Would she do that?<P>At this point you can not even do a good plan B.<P>I understand your frustration. <P>Z<P>zorweb@hotmail.com

I posted this on PlanA/B forum but I feel I should post it here too.<BR>------<BR>I am 46 years old. My husband and I haven't ever heard about plan A and plan B. But it worked for us 15 years ago. We just had our 25 years anniversary this year.<BR>I must be honest and admit that I was the one who wanted out. We have two children and at the time even they couldn't stop me. I was acting the same way your wife is acting now.<BR>My husband tried intuitively with plan A. It didn't work cause, as he was more lavish I was more nervous about fact that he is making trap for me to stay. I asked him to leave house and we separated for about 4 months. Never in my life I felt so lonely even with my children around. Friends deserted me of course in some way cause they didn't feel comfortable in a situation like that (they were mostly our mutual friends). My dreams about future with OM just disappeared. My family couldn't stand what I am doing. I couldn’t stand all that guilt. My husband was patient enough so we came to the point when after he asked me if I am willing to TRY again I agreed but without real will. But to be honest I was scared that if it's not working I have to go through all that pain again and I asked him to promise if it's not good he'll let me go easy. He agreed. It was hard for both of us for about a year or even more. We agreed to try to change. Both of us. Change didn't come suddenly but gradually during the years. It gets hard even now sometimes but now we know how to work on it. <BR>On our 25 years anniversary I told him: Thank you for loving me so much!I am so glad now that I made a right decision. What would happen to us and children if my husband just gave up? Don't give up!It's really going to make better person of you and that's important for you and for your children. Swalow your pride because there is a hope!<BR>My daughter is having a hard time now in her relationship. I tried to explain to both of them that those things happen once in everyone’s life and they can be resolved. I prey to God to give them strength to understand what’s right and wrong. Cause wrong decision as mine was are ruining so many lives…Would ruin mine after all.<BR>

Z . She won't move out. She thinks that she is a great mom. In between starbucks, Gym, rolloerblading and a boyfriend not to mention all of her divorce network. She is never home to walk her children to the bus or kiss them goodnight before bed. Her loss. This will be a long hellish situation.<P>VBO. Thank you for the lovly post. I wish that it were so. My wife has been running from somthing for years and its deep rooted. The drinking and the disengagement from her family is just a result of that pain or loss that is deep inside her. Making it to 25 years is wonderful but will there be quality in this relationship. My wife lacks the maternal ability to be a mother and as a by product of this flaw she is unable to be truly loving. Affairs allow you to have that momentary feeling of love in flight, then it leaves. Its time to say goodby to her and file all the pictures and memories of what once was.

If she wasn't good mother from the begining why did you let her have 3 of your children? Maybe she wasn't that bad after all...Try to remember!

So what is going to happen if you file for divorce? Who is going to move out? How are you going to control that?<P>Please stay with me. I'm not being rude, or mean here, I'm trying to get some info to make sense of this.<P>Z

Adamsol,<P>Just wanted to post a quick note of support. If you've read Harley's stuff, you'll know he doesn't think people can effectively work to fix a marriage while one partner has an addiction. Sounds like you're wife is an alcoholic.<P>Have you visited Al-Anon? I think it's important that you learn more about the disease, because no matter what happens your children's mother will be an alcoholic and it will effect the family. If the kids are older they can go to Al-Ateen for support.<P>Good Luck to you. And if you want custody and don't think she's fit because of the drinking, remember never to leave the children (if under 12) in her care without another sober adult around.

People change, issues surface and somtimes we choose the wrong road. People take from there comunity what they want, weather its the good or the bad. She took the low road. Maybe she will find what she is looking for, I hope so. My family is beautiful , full of warmth and love and in between bumps. She needs to be shaken to the core before she realizes that she let go and is saying goodby to the family that should be her life.

Go to plan B...but don't give up...that's my advice...

Its hard to do a plan B when she refuses to leave the house. Plan A dosent work when your wife has a drinking problem and a boyfriends cell phone in her purse. I need to move this toi the next level and start the divorce going. I cant see myself dealing with this again. Its the second A that I know of. I'm having trouble being around her.