Although I don't post very often I read this forum daily. I feel that my situation is a bit different than what others are writing about so I have been hesitant to write, but I guess I need advice now...<P>Short summary of what happened...DDay was 2 months ago when I walked in on the A. (Horrific to say the least.) It was the first time something had happened between my H and the OW and we started counseling a week later...we have been going ever since. I have read HNHN and SAA and there is no contact between my H and the OW - she moved to another country the week after it happened. All that seems good, but it just has not gotten any better between us. <BR> <BR>The counseling has exposed a lot of problems that we have and our differences (culture, background, families) seem even greater than before.<P>Over the past two months my H has been pursuing a new career. It was orginally supposed to be teaching music, but it has turned into teaching music part time and working with a band (rock) full time. I think this is the WORST possible atmosphere for my H to be in after everything that has happened. Late nights practicing and at clubs playing, going out afterward, etc. I can't be there or be his groupie as I have a 7am-5pm job. We live overseas (in a culture different than either of ours) and the A was with a local girl. When I hear a local girl sing on a CD, dance in a video or when I see him talk to a local girl I get so jealous. I just don't fully trust him. The singer in the band is a young local girl and I have never met her or any of the other members. <P>I have tried to talk to my H about this...telling him that I don't like the atmosphere, and the hours of the job, but he just gets angry with me because he is finally getting the break he has been looking for in music and I am asking him not to pursue this rock band professionally. <P>I feel like I am offering him an ultimatum...me or the music. Is that the right thing to be doing? I just can't live with all the jealousy and distrust that I feel when he is out. I feel like if he really wanted to work on our marriage, I would be first. The music would take a back seat and he would first want to prove to me that I was the most important and that I could trust him. I don't feel like he is doing that. <P>I would appreciate any feedback, advice or thoughts on this. Thanks in advance.

Dear DT,<P>I just did not want you to think that anyone has forgotten your post. I completed a long post to you and my dumb computer kicked it out. I will post again soon since I do have some things to share with you. I have to run some errands but will be back soon. Please be patient with me. <P>Thanks,<BR>L.<BR>

Thanks! I'll look for it.

Hi DT,<P>Thanks for being so patient. I had a busy night and needed some thinking time to complete your post. <P>Our situations vary but the basic lines remain constant. A family member strayed and the family is now in turmoil. <P>The question is on where your H's priorities are. Have you posed the question to him, that 'when' (not if) your marriage is in jeporady, what will your H do? Let him know what you would expect and what you think you would do if it was brought to your attention. Then as his. <P>Based on his response, you will know which way to go (or at least which direction). This is providing you are family with the basic concepts here, taken the emotional needs questionnaire and understand the basic outline of plan A and plan B. A counseling session or 2 with Jennifer or Steve Harley is helpful. Are you familar with this? <P>Yes it is a lot of reading and resarch. But this basic info is vital to a good plan to give yourself the best opportunity to help your marriage and yourself. No guarantees but the effort will produce benefits for yourself and possibly your H. <P>Been there done that (all the above). My personal road has been a hard one. D/d was in Nov 2000. H moved out 12/31/00. H moved back in 4/29/01. Ow claimed preg June 01. I had a miscarriage 6/29/01. <P>It helped me to do what I have suggested. Would not suggest it otherwise. Please read and consider what is best for you. Keep posting here and let us know how we can support you. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

Welcome DT,<P>I hesitate responding to this post, Hon. My H too is a professional musician (25+ years). Whoops, my XH I should say.<P>The reason I hesitate offering any advice is because I still harbor resentment from our ordeal. I attribute a huge degree of our problems to his career choice (OW, disease, OCs, OW violence). Like you, I too work a conventional job (Engineer).<P>When H and I met, and nearly throughout our entire marriage (15 years, 20 together)I supported my H's career choice, UNTIL I realized that the "nite life" and all it's nuances were negatively affecting our marriage. It was after a terrible first Discovery and seperation (2 OW, 2 OCs) that I told my H I no longer felt what he did for a living was how I wanted to live. He badly wanted back and we reconciled, he agreed to everything BUT quitting the music business. In our situation that was not a good choice on my part. Hind sight is always 20/20.<P>I want to help but I fear because I still have issues regarding the "musician" life, anything I might say would be too negative at this time.<P>I will say this tho, I use to think like you "my situtaion is different than other's here at MB", but I discovered that isn't the case. The Harley's principals and beliefs ring true for us (Muscians' spouses) as well.<P>I will keep an eye on your post and if I post to you I will try and be as non-bias as possible when responding. I know how you feel, Hon. I know how hard it is to live with your H living the night life, and you, the day life. The club scene is not an easy life.<P>Take care and many prayers,<P>Best,<BR>Jo <P><BR>p.s. One other thing. It's a safe bet that your H's No. 1 emotional need is "Admiration". You may want to explore that.<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited July 01, 2001).]

Jo,<BR>I laughed outloud when I read the P.S. of your post. We have done the Emotional Needs questionaire/form and his No.1 need is Admiration!!! Something I didn't provide enough of and that led to the A...I fully accept that. <P>He will NOT accept or believe that the nightclub scene is not the best for him - esp after what happened. He said the the OW was a friend (not someone from a club). He says that he has been in the club scene before and that nothing happened before, so why would it now. I just can't answer those kind of questions...I feel like there is nothing I can say to make him think otherwise. <P>My dream is that he would give this up to work on our marriage, but that is only a dream right now. <P>Thanks for writing, Jo. I appreciate it. I haven't heard one person tell me that being in a marriage or even a relationship with someone who is in the nightclub scene is easy. I just need know that I am not unreasonable.<P>

DT,<P>Whoa! You are NOT unreasonable. In my view there is way too much temptation and debotchery in the music/club scene.<P>After reading your response I thought about whether or not I was admiring my H enough. I did for a term (first few years back together), but after A #1, I no longer respected him. I tried but his actions and words never seemed to match. He continued to lie and sneak. He was a master at manipulating myself and others.<P>My H is a very talented, attractive and charming man, and used his "asbtractness of character" as a tool. You know, that "I'm an artist" thing. You could never get a straight answer from him, he'd dance around things. Me being a black and white type person, this only fuel my disrespect of him.<P>I always felt bad for him too tho. He struggled with his career. He had big dreams of becoming famous, and when those dreams seem to disipate, he resorted to playing clubs and Top Forty. Then there was a decline in live music in the clubs so the next step down for him was hosting Kareoke. It was very very hard on him, on us. <P>I can't tell you how many times we had talks about how he could go to school, all fearfully initiated by me. I told him I'd support us and he could go back to school. He would not do it, he dug his heals in, he loved his music ... Ughhhhh!<P>So, I went out and got a secure good paying job, one with retirement and all the big benefits (Intel). Unbeknownst to me, that was NOT the right thing to do. My new job was a bit of a threat I guess (altho he was very enthusiastic about me getting it at the time), It was the beginiing of the end. From this point on my story gets very convaluted. But suffice it to say, I don't regret trying to make our life secure. I do regret some things, but I can't change them now.<P>I'm not sure what to say if your H won't quit the music scene. I felt like you do, "If you love me and our marriage, it should come first and foremost". I guess ultimately he made his choice.<P>Here's the kicker, my H is now working for the City (he went to school), his first conventional job ever. He loves it!!! I'm happy and proud of him, but the idea he did it after he gave up the marriage to be with OW and OC, hurts like hell. Altho I like to I believe his long awaited career change has more do to with OC than with OW. It still hurts, makes me feel like I wasn't worth it. <P>Keep the communication open and flowing between you two, Hon. That, and I hear Harley says that one of the most important MB concepts is "POJA" (enthusiasm in this area is essential).<P>Love,<BR>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited July 02, 2001).]

I am a singer. I had dreams of a career in music early on in my life... I am a wonderful singer - it has been the only thing I've always been certain of for my entire life.<P>But I also realized that the other life I wanted, family, etc., was not something that worked well with being a struggling musician. I realized that if I only worked the local scene it would mean late nights in bars and clubs at least 4 nights out of 7, and working HARD to maintain that kind of schedule, still maintaining a full time day job to ensure financial stability. I also knew that if I was lucky enough to make it OUT of the local scene, life would be even harder - it wouldn't be travelling an hour or two to the gig, it would be days of travelling. And, I came to realize that I would have no say in where I went, who went with me or what I did or sang.<P>When I looked at that and compared it to the life I was going to have with my husband, I chose my husband. I have never considered that a sacrifice, not even now that he has left me for someone else. I considered it a decision that I had to make, and knew that I had to live with that decision for the rest of my life. I have a few feelings of regret, but I certainly do not blame my husband for my choice as it was my choice. He actually had encouraged me at some points early in our relationship, but he also at other times let me know that he would be jealous of the time I might spend entertaining other men... <P>The desire for a career in a rock band has to be broken down into the needs it meets... He needs to really understand what he wants to get from it, what he really MIGHT get from it and if getting what he wants from it is worth the possible sacrifices he will make to have it.<P>There are a few "careers" that really are based deeply in personality and emotional need. I believe that music and art are like that - and that sometimes those people should not get married, because of the emotional involvement in the career itself, and also because of the lifestyle that tends to come with those careers.<P>Don't know if any of this is at all helpful... and hope that none of it was hurtful.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Hi DT,<P>I have been thinking about you and see that you are in good hands. I do not experience in this area except the little fact that my H is in the limo business and sometimes is in the company of those in the entertainment business and wannabes. It is hard. He has to take clients to clubs and bars all the time. The atmosphere is not family oriented by any means. I worry about the influence. But in reality the internet is even more dangerous and the lure is 24/7.<P>Anyway, you are in good hands. These posters here have been here a long time and helped me a lot. I leave you in there care and will try to keep up with your posts. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P>PS: Terri, a singer? I am impressed. What is your speciality? There is some hidden talent out here in MB land. There is a DJ on the d/d site. Hm.....? <P>

Wow, guys. Thanks for your responses. I am sitting on the couch right now with my H and I read to him parts of your posts. I asked him what he thought and he said, "I need time for it to soak in." (I don't really know what that means.)<P>He thinks I am being totally unreasonable. I said to him last night that I needed him to want to work on the marriage and he said, "I need you to be more flexible." I have said that I would like to see him play once a month as really this whole band thing started as a hobby...he does have another job teaching music, but he says that is out of the question to only play once a month. <P>I feel like this is sort of the last straw in all of our troubles...that this will untimately lead to the end. More than even the A. I just don't trust him after what happened and I think that I am very justified in asking him to be home and not be out 5 or 6 times a month in a night club scene until all hours of the morning, but he doesn't see it that way. <P>He is SO unhappy now because of everything that is happening with this music stuff. I feel so ready to quit.<P>I really do appreciate everything you have written...I will continue to post with questions / thoughts.<P>DT

Being a musician is like being from another planet. I was one, too. I grew up in a musical family ( wasn't the Partrige Family, or anything\LOL) , but all the same it is a different way to grow up.<P>I did everything I could to escape that life by the time I was 17 or 18. Did a complete 180 on my musical tastes..... went to business school and became a CPA (OMG!)<P>Now all I want to do is get back into music. If you have the musical bug, then you have it. If you really love your H, please try to understand that (if you can). The music business (by default, unfortunately) starts in clubs--unless it's religious music. That's the best way to be heard.<P>I know I am not making you feel any better, I just have this thing about being honest.<P>love & blessings to you<BR>B<P><BR>

No matter the profession: if it jeopardizes the rules of protection, care, honesty or time ... it is then time to seriously look at one's line of work.<P>(Would you like fries with that?)<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL