Another talk with my WS lasst night......he's reasy to end it.<BR>He wants to know why I can't face reality that it's over and the he will never get those feelings back for me.<BR>He wants to know how I can stay with him and still love him after what he's done and what he's doing now.<BR>He has himself convinced that he will NEVER get those feelings back.<P>He gets upset when I cry about it because he wants me to agree to it not working out.....but I can't.<BR>I love this man with everything that I have....and I want my marriage to work. Not just because I want our 3 daughters to be raised by both parents.....but because I know what it can be.<P>I don't really know what I should do now....it's back to the waiting game....waiting for him to decide if he will stay or go.

Miss Priss, <P>I can't tell you how many times my H said the same things to me. It was a vicious circle. <BR>Once I started Plan A, I would listen to him tell me it was over etc.. and then I would say (calmly) "I dont believe that". I stopped crying in front of him and went full steam ahead with my Plan A. Eventually (gradually) his tune changed. We are a year into recovery now and it keeps getting better.<BR>Hang in there. If you are not ready to let go, then don't give in. Do the best Plan A you can possibly muster woth no LBs. Don't give up.<BR>cleo

My H is the WS, he is Sad_n_Lonely. You would think with what he writes that I am a wicked person. I agree with you, I love my H with all my heart. He is saying so many mean things to me. Like last night, he came home late from working. I told him he worked hard, been tough and he did a good job. I called to see if he wanted dinner. I warmed everything in the oven, made his salad with dressing and all. He came in and of course went on the MB boards. I said I will talk to you while you eat, do I have time to take a shower, been working in the barn. He said yes. He came into the kitchen, complained that the salad was in a small bowl, said you know I like to eat with all my food together. Complained that the pork chops were not done in the crockpot, which I usually do, did not have time this particular day. Did not thank me for warming his food, did not thank me for this fine dinner, and for being company and waiting for him. Last night, he sleeps in another room, I went up to him to ask a question. I said H name as going up to his room, caught him talking to OW on cellular. He yells at me, tells me to not come to this part of the house again, H has no privacy. He did apologize today for blasting me. Today, he is talking of leaving, we are not fit for each other. I am crying big time, cause I am hurting so badly. <P>We were talking to Jennifer Harley as a couple. H delayed getting rid of OW, so Jennifer told him he is not to talk to her until he is done with OW. Will this past Wednesday, which was my birthday, H said he will talk to Jennifer, that the OW is done. I of course got a little excited, but deep inside knew it was a lie. He talked to Jennifer for 40 minutes, I only took 20. This would of been the best birthday present I could of ever had, to get rid of OW. Anyways, Jennifer got myself on phone and we talked. She said it sounded like it was close to being done. So she got both of us on the phone and asked H if done. He of course said a little to go. What a LoveBuster. Today, he is so depressing. Got up this morning, he is out in the woods talking to the OW on the cellular. I just go about my work, cleaning the vehicle. We were also involved in a program called Retrovaille (Building a better marriage). He said he doesn't want to go to this program anymore. So I cryed on the phone to the sponsors telling them we are done. H does not want to attend anymore. H is still talking to the OW. <P>I am also dealing with a father that is very ill. When I talked to Jennifer this Wednesday, she asked about my dad. My H does not comfort me in this terrible crisis. H is so selfish and only thinks about himself and the OW. I told him that I need comfort and hugs, it is difficult for me to even go to my parents house. My dad had 4 mini strokes and his personality is not very nice. He criticizes and is depressed. My father never talked to me like this, and now I get it from my H and also my dad. <P>I wrote Jennifer an emergency e-mail, and made a emergency phone call. I don't understand why H is doing this, yes he loves the OW, but he keeps telling me that she is dumping him. But deep inside I feel that he is waiting for her to dump her husband and go to my H. Also, this is the OW's 2nd affair. There might be more, but we for sure know this is definitely the second. Her husband doesn't know, OW will not tell her husband for whatever reason. So she is keeping the affair a secret and my H her little dirty secret. My H still loves this woman, with all the deceit she has done, the lying. I asked him, have I ever lied to you like this. He of course said no. <P>My problem, is he is not even giving this marriage a chance. He just looks at this wicked OW who lies, keeps H as a dirty secret and still loves her. Why can't he love me. I am a hard worker, I have been working on 3 major projects going on around this house. I think I have done a super job. These are big financial projects, and he still loves this other woman. What am I, chopped liver. I have been on the phone making long distance calls, and trying to do plan A. All I want from him right now is love, caring and sympathy about my dad. My dad is at the stage that you never know when it will happen. I am sure H gives the OW lots of positive feedback. Here I am financially helping us to get ahead, and he is spending money on the OW with my hard work plus his.<P>I don't understand his christian attitude anymore. He says that God is okay with a divorce. And that he will marry again. That he doesn't want this marriage the way it is, who does. But he is not giving this marriage the chance Jennifer says, it will be a good marriage. He has basically today said he is done. He is just trying to survive. Is survival on the WS bashing his W and making events hurtful and words hurtful? What gives the WS decisions to act in such a hurtful manner? Once again, I am Sad_n_lonely's wife.

Miss Priss,<P>Your husband wants you to make his choice for him. That's what all this is about. He wants you to decide, then he'll be able to say to himself that, well, she couldn't take it, I understand, but it's time to move on. It's really still part of the self-justifying stuff they do.<P>If he really *means* this stuff, then *he* will do something about it. I mean turn it a round for a second, if you really thought it was over, you decided you didn't want the marriage any more, you *knew* it wouldn't work, you didn't even want it to work, wouldn't you do something about it? Or would you sit there and try to convince your spouse of it?<P>Keep hanging in there, I know how bad this hurts, but he's still just trying to justify himself.<P>Ish

Miss Priss, I am in the same boat as you. Our WS are so insensitive and they only care about themselves and the OW. Counseling with the Jennifer I would recommmend that you do Plan A and try to not LoveBust. It is really hard, I am telling you I can do relatively good, then I just kind of blow up. I figure I am only human, and I am not getting my emotional needs met. <P>Life is not fair to the BS. We are trying to keep our marriages, the WS gets EN's by OW, where is our EN's met, we are nice to them and they can talk to us rudely (indirectly). The BS gets the backlashes, and we have to sit and bear with it or leave. There are times that I cannot handle the stress anymore and those are the days that I just want to drive on the expressway and die. <P>Stress causes health problems, thinking not clearly, making stupid mistakes, sometimes driving I lose my way, can't enjoy life, read like I use to and all. That is why I guess the Harleys recommend medication during this process. I have been trying to do it herb wise. But I think the time has come for more action. <P>One of the things you can say to your H is when he says something negative, say I am sorry you feel...... and then if you would like him to do something different then what he did, you say "Iwould love it if you......" These are things Jennifer has taught me. Also, to put in kind words, Honey, Dear, etc. before you request something. This is really difficult to do when you are feeling down and out. I get really down and start to feel bad talking with H, I now say I need time to myself and I usually drive away and I give H approximate time I will be back. The other thing I do is take the dogs out in the woods for a walk. I scream out there, yell, and talk to God. I feel much better when I come back. If I need more time, then I will drive away for awhile. <P>Read surviving and affair by the Harleys'. It is a good book. I have reread it and find new stuff everytime I read it that I missed. I will pray for you and H.