He says it's over. That's it.<P>He says he loves me as a friend only and that since 2 weeks after he came home he's been pretending. He says that he has been trying to make me look like a fool on purpose so I will get tired of it and tell him that I am over it.<BR>The feelings are not there....that's all he keeps saying...and they are never going to be there.<BR>He hasn't actually said he was going to leave yet....because of the girls only though. He wants to though.<BR>He actually told me that if he stayed he would probably end up killing himself.<BR>He's not happy.....has nothing to do with the A or the OW.<BR>He's mad because I won't let go.<BR>I can't let go.....but how do I just let him walk out the door?<BR>He doesn't have anywhere to go....we both know that....but says it will make everyone miserable if he stays.<BR>He doesn't want to try anymore....and I don't know what to say to him anymore.<P>I will not give up on this....but he says there is no hope.<P>What am I going to do now?<P>

MP:<P>More fogese by your H. Stick to Plan A, start thinking of Plan B.<P>After that, only time, and the shifting of fog patterns, will tell.<P>Godspeed and prayers,<BR>STL

Dear Miss Priss,<P>I am inbetween errands and stuff so this will be short. I will come back and post more later if you want. My H said the same stuff almost verbatim. <P>Let him make his words reality. H said it was the same and that he pushed both Ow & I to make decisions for him. H left the house for 4 months which he says were not happy but miserable ones. They were his choosing and now he is home. <P>What am I saying? In my case, H would not learn until he burned. H almost burned all his bridges but as we both know these H's are mumbling nonesense. If there was logic to it, he would already be gone. So do let him go & see where it takes him. Right to OW's arms? Well that may be an option. You will have to be strong it that happens. But remember there is no guarantee out there that OW & H will live their fantasy out to the 'happily ever after' chapter. Remember those books do end there so you really never know if they made it, just that they rode off into the sunset. Reality goes beyond that ride. <P>Be patient. This is a hard time for you and know that many here understand and feel your pain. Keep posting and venting here. We may share advice or stories that could curl your hair. All in all we are still here and fairly sane. Look up a few of our names from time to time, there has been a lot of experiences that may help you. Not that we are great or anything, just a learning experience to share and take the workable points from. <P>

I'm starting to actually believe that the OW doesn't have a thing to do with this.<BR>He had been talking to someone and wouldn't tell me who it was....for his own reasons. I now know who it is and have talked to him as well.....and he assures me that the OW has been out of the picture since he came home. Says that my H has told him that the OW was not worth any of this and isn't interested in her.<BR>Now....he's telling me that he's only staying right now for the girls...hasn't said he is leaving but I know he's going to....and that even if he does get feelings back for me that he won't tell me because he won't come back knowing that it may not work out again.<BR>I don't really think all this is fog talk....I think it's the real deal here. <BR>He's said it's over....I only love you as a friend....I want a divorce.....it will never work out....but hasn't left yet....but I know he will.<BR>He's also now saying that he wants to live his life the way HE wants without anybody else with him......other than the kids....no wife...parents or friends. Says he just wants to be alone.<P>His parents are beside theirselves with this. They don't think he's tried enough or given it enough time....but he doesn't care what anyone thinks anymore.

Wow. If you figure this one out, let me know. My H was saying the EXACT same things, trying to push me away so I will tell him it is over. He even stayed for the girls for about 3 weeks and ended up moving out. He has been gone for a month now and I am in plan B.<P>Even in my case, there is still OW, but H spends most of his time just living in misery and working, yeah he hangs out with her sometimes, but not like I would expect if she was really the "one" for him. He's just miserable and is convinced things will never work out between us even though he loves me like a friend and I am special to him (just not in THAT way). He's totally in a fog.<P>Keep following my thread, maybe I will have good advice for you someday that this works...<P>I'm so sorry for your pain. Unfortunately, you'll have to let him go and figure this out for himself. Godspeed.

Miss Priss, <P>I hate to say that but those lines are still the ones that my H used. Said he wanted to live alone. Now says he never said that and that he never wanted to live alone. Yet all the while he was still seeing OW. Even the day when he claimed he needed time to think, he ended up 'thinking in bed with OW'. Hmmmph.... IMHO this is more of the fog talking because he feels to bad telling you what he may really be up to. Have you read Sing's posts? Her H told her that the family would not be moving and after they left for summer school he packed up the whole house relocated his family and moved in with OW. <P>Forked tongue? No. Hypocrite most likely. My H too!!! Said one thing did another. Just be careful. Don't put too much weight on the words. Watch the actions. <P>I told H that friends don't do this to friends. So we must be worse than friends. Hmmm....... he could not dispute that one. So what does it mean when he says he is not in love with me but cares? Is this what ones does to someone he cares for? If yes, gotta warn the OWs of this world because it is just a matter of time when they will get their share of this kind of friendship and care. See how looney their logic is? <P>H wants it only for the girls? He hasn't left yet? I told my H to go and be happy, then asked what will make him happy? H could not answer. See they can't because they are truly not happy, very confused but not happy. <P>I told H to go do whatever he said, then I asked him to explain it. Funny, H could never really explain anything. BINGO!!!!! That's what you need to find out, can they EXPLAIN their reasoning? <P>You have your assignment...... <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

Miss priss,<P>Same lines here. My H said that it had nothing to do with his friend (OW) and that he thought he would never have another relationship. That he just wanted out. I tried to keep him here for awhile, it just made us both miserable. Finally I asked him to leave and then he acted sort of surprized I asked him to go.<P>6 months later he came back and is over the OW. I would bet money that your H still sees her enough to keep the affair fires burning. You cant keep them in a marriage that they dont want, please consider working on yourself and being strong enough to tell him to go until he can give you the love and respect you desearve.<BR>Lora

Sheesh--Let's all go look under our beds for their copies of "Affairs for Dummies." It's those moose brain worms talking again.<P>My H is saying EXACTLY the same things. EXACTLY. <P>I HATE it. He is leaving tomorrow (has yet to pack or tell kids or anybody else, BTW.) and as HARD as it is I have to let him go.<P>I want to beg, plead, cry (I'll admit to a certain amount of crying) and scream and yell (okay, done these, too). But in the end it is as Orchid says...they must leave to discover.<P>My sister said it to me today..."If he leaves and doesn't come back, it'll suck rocks...but do you really want to live 30 or 40 more years like this?" Do I really want a man who doesn't want to be with me, who thinks he doesn't love me, who doesn't want to be around me? These are tough questions...<P>YES, YOU LOVE HIM. YES, YOU WANT YOUR MARRIAGE. But is it worth your self-esteem? Empower yourself. Strengthen yourself and post....post....post...we will support each other through this.<P>HUGS! HUGS! HUGS!<P>------------------<BR>AKA: Cali<P><I> Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. </I> <B> Galatians 6:9 </B>

Thanks everyone for posting reply's.<P>H has left for a bit to go talk to his parents. I've already talked with his father....who is really really confused by this whole thing. He thought like I did....that we were actually getting along better.<BR>They are supposed to call when they are done and then I will go over there and we will talk all together. Doubt that it does any good.<P>My father and his wife just left. The whole time they were here H acted cordial to me....talked to me like he usual always does and the minute they left he said.....so did you tell your dad? Then wanted to know what I said and what my dad said.<BR>I was typing here earlier and he wanted to know who I was talking to......but says it wouldn't bother him if I met someone and decided to be with them....so why is he so interested in who I talk to on the phone or who I talk to on here.....or if I tell certain people about what I'm going through?<P>I know that a seperation is probably in the making here.....I've pretty much concluded that he will go at some point. BUT....I'm not going to give up my fight.<P>When he goes......should we still have contact with each other? I know it will tear me up when he comes to see the kids.....and I know he will leave crying like a baby every time......but should we both have contact or should I try to avoid all forms of contact?

A lot of good advice from everyone here. You have to let him screw up and leave if he insists. You can only work on you. And, as bad as it hurts, just like Diva said, if you can possibly slow down and process things for a moment, do you REALLY want to live with a man who doesn't want you?<P>People who have reached the other side of this crisis encourage us to take things one day at a time. To live in this moment, keep our heads where our feet are.<P>I've always found it helpful to ask myself "what can I do about that right now" to bring myself back to the present. If there is something we can do, we do it. If not, we let it go, either by talking with your higher power or talking to someone else until we have a clearer perspective.<P>When my life was lying in pieces at my feet, I wanted to know how to put it back together. I wanted answers, and I wanted them NOW! What do I do? What do I do? It's enough to make you crazy.<P>If you force things at these times in your life, you may find yourself living with the consequences of poor judgement later down the line. Your H will figure this out soon enough. We may grow the most during these times of severe pain (and we DO....I promise!), but we don't do our best thinking then.<P>Just slow down, take a deep breath, and listen to the others here who have shared your problem. It's OK to live with uncertainty. I know it doesn't seem like it right now.<P>Blessings,<BR>B<BR>