Hey all...hopefully OW will only be looking for posts with my old name...I am trying to go undercover.<P>But I need help, H is to move out tomorrow. I am conflicted. Should I try to continue to plan A? or should I go to plan B?<P>Keep in mind the self-destruct that I did this week. I'm of a mind I should plan A until the end of the summer, but most of my landlubber friends and family believe I should not have contact with him except for children. They have been strongly urging me to change locks, and pack up any of his stuff he doesn't take....<P>We do have some plans for later in this month which involve driving children to my sister's. We are to go together...do I then plan A July and go to plan B in August?<P>Thanks,<P>------------------<BR>AKA: Cali<P><I> Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. </I> <B> Galatians 6:9 </B>

Hi "Diva". Good to hear from you. Thought you were lost there for a while.<P>No, you do not go into plan B, go to plan A and then back to plan B. I tried this one and got shot down last time, remember? Good thing cuz' it was the right advice.<P>Definately plan A for now, your crusade last week requires some extra love units get deposited on your part. Stay in plan A until you can't take it anymore. If you don't know, then you're not ready to go to plan B yet. <P>Cuz' once you're there - you are there, no going back!! If that means cancelling your plans or only you go with the boys - so be it!<P>Keep depositing those love units!

The key question to me is whether you've demonstrated your improvements. Remember, Plan A is mostly about you identifying the things YOU need to fix in the marriage, then showing your H you've fixed them - thereby negating his reasons for continuing the affair. (Of course, don't forget meeting whatever ENs he lets you and not LB'ing.)<P>If all this coincides with a separation, then by all means, Plan B. The textbook Plan A has you continue until your lovebank is just about empty, like Rick and I. In hindsight, I wish I had gone to Plan B when my wife moved out, even though my love bank had a nice balance, because she had already acknowledged my improvements.<P>Remember, Plan B is all about insulating YOU from further pain, but Steve acknowledges the secondary potential that there can also be a powerful impact on the WS to end the affair.<P>I hope you get advice from "Mother" and Chris.<P>WAT

Do I change locks? Shouldn't I still set some boundaries even though in plan A? Should he have freedom to come and go at will? He thinks I am being manipulative, but telling him I don't want him just to drop in and out....<P>And for that matter, why does he get to drop in and out and I don't????? <P>------------------<BR>AKA: Cali<P><I> Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. </I> <B> Galatians 6:9 </B>

I think whether or not you change the locks is an individual thing. I didn't.<P>I encouraged my wife to come over any time she wanted. Sure, it's not fair that I didn't have keys to her apartment and I only once went over unnanounced (on Halloween with our son). But I think it's consistent with Plan A to have an open door policy in that you are trying to convince the WS that you're a safe place to come. Changing the locks doesn't exactly convey this. But if you have an issue with your H coming when you're not around and sneaking off with stuff, that's a different story.<P>WAT

Hi,<P>I did change the locks when he moved out. I think it was kind of a shock to him and he said something about it. Actually I think I had said something before he moved that I planned to do it because I knew OW had been in our home and I wanted to feel safe and know she would never be able to come in there again. A LB perhaps, as he said she would never do that .... ya right. Any how, I just said I needed to feel safe in my home, and left it at that. I was in plan a long distance at the time, but maybe he was in plan B<BR>Lora

Well, can't give any useful advice (never been there of course), but as WS I wouldn't think it unusual or manipulative to change locks, just a prudent security precaution. As for plan A stuff, I can only tell you it has a sort of strange pull on me (is so unlike the behaviour I am used to), confrontational stuff just makes me sure I should go. Plan B is threatened regularly, but I won't participate (yet), so is kinda moot. We have kind of a tumultuous discovery period (4 months so far), with a vartiety of off and on plan A's, confrontation, retrovaille, harley counselling, my W thinks I am crazy, maybe she is right, don't know if that is normal or not. My advice is the plan A stuff as long as one can stand it, it does attract us (if anything will), but do not be a doormat.....appearing all needy and distraught and will do anything is a turn off actually (makes us feel waaaaay to guilty). Does any of this make any sense? Probably not, but this is one report from ws'ville.

Hi Diva,<P>What a name!!! Hey, you know me, the plan B advocate. How do you know when to go to plan B? When protecting the needs of yourself and your family become your priority. When you realize that you have no control over H, that he is going to do what he wants (or thinks he wants) irregardless of your concerns. <P>How to stay in plan B? Stay in it as long as H is not treating you with respect. Plan A is good when the Ws is making progress. Sometimes Plan B is good for that also. For me H is somewhat in recovery but I still feel the need to be in plan B to protect my needs which are still not being met by H. <P>Plan B can either lead to recovery or divorce. Because it is impacting plan (meaning action from BS causes reaction from WS), a good Plan B rarely is received without a response.<P>As you can see from Rick's post, some of that reaction can be painful. Especially at the beginning. It will continue to require a lot of strength from the BS but isn't that what we have been doing all along anyway? It just comes in different forms. Plan B can be a bit unnerving but it does bring peace of mind to the BS because the BS has let go of the control (or ability to try and fix) the WS. That responsibility is given the WS to shoulder for themselves. Guess what? Most WS's don't want to shoulder their own responsibility. They want to give the burden to the BS and all the while complain about it. The OP especially does not want the WS to have additional burdens, that takes away 'quality OP time from the WS'. Hm....<P>Ever think about that? Take away 'quality OP time'. Hey a new goal that can be accomplished with plan B. Look at Rick's post, his W has spent a good portion of today trying to get in touch with Rick to talk about some trivial stuff. Hm.... taking away quality time from the OP.<P>Ok, have I given you something to think about? Hope so. <P>Sleep on this and see you in the morning. <BR>L.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Orchid:<BR>[B]Hi Diva,<P>What a name!!! Hey, you know me, the plan B advocate. How do you know when to go to plan B? When protecting the needs of yourself and your family become your priority. When you realize that you have no control over H, that he is going to do what he wants (or thinks he wants) irregardless of your concerns. <P>/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thanks my sisters helped me figure a new one...I'm gonna miss my old one I liked it.<P>Yeah, I read <I>Secrets of the Vine </I> again last night, and that is the conclusion I came to. His life is being disciplined and mine is being pruned...I had to look at what in my life I have not given over 'control' to God and it is this situation and my H. <P>I prayed a lot about it last night. There is a new development...he is not going to move to a coworker's house like he originally planned...now he is going to his mom & dad's house...hmmm. It will be hard to carry on with OW from there. <P>Thanks for all your support.<P>Diva (AKA Cali)