Need to hear from others about WS's inability to make a decision. Anybody got WS who will not stop infidelity and constant pursuing of OW? He actively and regularly pursues the OW. He is hardly home and just seems to sleep here. Admits his love for her but knows it it wrong. Does not have any desire to stop seeing her. When I do not know where he is, I become overcome with pain and I will ask him to make a decision and we talk about the same things over and over. He claims he can't leave what we have but again says he can't be here cause it causes such pain and pressure for him. <P>Questions---do we BS just quitely and repeatedly ignore the long nights away from home. Where is the line that reveals the next plan? I have been told that I can't plan A an alcoholic and that seems to be a compounding factor here.<P>I am confused and the pain is excruiating. I am feeling like I wish he would just die and all my problems will be over. I am losing the ability to care for him and about him.<P>HELP!!!!!<BR>TW

TW,<P>Everything you write sounds very classic for the WS we are all used to. But, sounds like you are saying your H is having alcohol problems. Is that the case?<P>I don't have experience with that, but alot of others do here. Perhaps you can ask that question in a post if you want to get that perspective.<P>When I hear the stuff about being home "causes such pain and pressure", that I can relate to. My wife used that on me for the 5 months she lived with me after announcing her intention to leave. Eventually I figured it out...it was just the classic affair, and the "pain" was just an excuse to be out with OM.<P>How long has this been going on for you?

Hi TW,<P>Oh, you are hurting big time. I am sorry for your suffering. Have you been able to get help for yourself with regards to your H's alcoholism? Has you H been able to get some help on that? <P>Now to your depleted Love bank account. You need to work on protecting what little is left. For your santity. If H is only there due to pressure, he needs to not be there if his presence is hurting you and your family. As I told my H, what good does it do us to have 1/2 a man? Nothing less than 100% will do. So H's long nights out means he is not giving 100%. Which part of your loving acts does your H want you to cut back on? Half way cooking his meals? Half way washing his clothes? Half way making love? Half way cleaning his home? Hm...... Think about it, if he can settle with you accepting him less than 100% why should he be compelled to give more? H may be content with his share being less than yours and you will eventually tire out. If not your mind, your body will give out from shear exhaustation.<P>So if he will not make a decision. Should you? <P>L. <BR>

Rick37---there is an alcohol problem and all the patterns are the same as with the A. H is powerless, detaches, denies and acts out and then placates and appeases for a couple of days and then it all starts over again. I cannot see that this can go on much longer for me cause there is no resolution in his thinking cause he has used these patterns repeatedly for years. The A has been going on, I think, til March sometime...D-day was 4/21. His drinking problem has been all our married life. What did you do when you WS stayed there for 5 months and was she still regularly seeing OM? Has she moved out? If so, what made her make that decision.<P>Orchid---thanks for the caring words. I am going to Alanon and reading lots of literature to help with the alcohol problem. My H denies any problem and guards his drinking in any way he can. I agree with you about protecting myself but I really wanted to hear how other WS made decisions to leave. <P>TW

TW, Do you have kids? Can you ask him to leave? Have you read "Surviving An Affair" and if so, have you considered plan B? I'm glad to hear you're going to Al-Anon. That is helping me as much as MB. I really feel for you living in that situation. My life has actually gotten calmer and I've felt better since I've had no contact with H and his raging, verbally abusive alcoholic behavior. Sad but true.

Letstry, I have 2 grown sons so I do not have to worry about caring for my kids. My H is a paraplegic and it is hard for him to find somewhere else to live so I think he is staying here cause of money and comfort. Since D-day, H has expressed love for me only when he is drunk which I find very confusing. When sober, he seems to not have any concern or need for me. He admits he loves OW and cannot make a decision. He will lose so much if he leaves but I can no longer handle this. I am losing any and all love for him so I am getting in a serious place. No hope and no love can be a real LB.<P>I have not read SAA all the way through. I got thru the first 4 chapters. Can't bear to read about the working on the marriage part cause it gives me such false hope and makes me get deeply distressed....working on things I can't fix alone. It takes two to tango and I have tried to fix things for so long by myself that it gets me wacky.<P>So glad to hear that Alanon is helping you and that you are finding peace and serenity without the Alcoholic pulling you emtionally inside out.<P>Keep changing and growing<P>TW

I am the W of Sad_n_Lonely. I can tell you from my experience that yes with H being home and talking to the OW everyday, spending our hard earned money talking to her LONG Distance for hours and hours (you wouldn't believe our phone bill) for the cellular. He wanted these in December for our business, but the bill came and on every page there are only about 2-3 calls that are not hers. Pages and Pages. It has been difficult. He is not caring to me, only thinks about her. I have done Plan A and was actually doing pretty good, I felt good about it. Then I find something about the affair and bam, I get so down. <P>Yes, I love my husband very much. But I am so confused about who he wants. I asked him this the other night and he still can't say. He says he has to find out what happened. What happened is he fell in love with another woman and doesn't want to be married to me. He is not working with the MB books, he talked to Jennifer this past Wednesday, she told him to not talk to her until he got rid of the OW. He stated to me Wed. that it is over. Got on the phone and talked to her a long time and he is still talking to the OW to this day. <P>He wants the passionate love and feels we will never have it. Jennifer says we would have it but he has not open his heart to me, only to Debi. The feeling I have is he is using me like you said to make the home comfortable, and I am a organized person (H is not). He also states that we need to get our finances and things in order. Now after all these years, what about 10 years ago or sooner or later? Is it so things will be organized for him to feel comfortable to leave? <P>I want this marriage to work, but I am about ready to leave the house. He is the one who had the affair and is getting his EN met by her and I am filling some of his EN. So the betrayed spouse has to leave to get some sense of security. To feel that everyday he is talking to her is OK by him, but not by me. To not beable to get him on the cell phone for service calls, because she has occupied all the space for voice mail. He is recording all her voicemails for his private use, in using her material to help him. Yeah, right!<BR>He wants to not let go of her, hear her voice and listen to the tapes when he wants to.<P>I am hurting so badly, H doesn't seem to acknowledge this pain I am facing every day. H doesn't know how hard it is for me to be here. I am dealing with an ailing father and H knows how father is treating myself and everyone. I get rejection from my father everyday now (cause of stroke). I get rejection from my H every day now. When is a human suppose to die and give up, or endure this pain forever?

My husband also is in the middle of an affair like that. He is not willing to end it....and yet wants his family life too. He doesn't seem to care about my feelings (we have been married 21 years) and is very concerned about hers (they have been together since February).<P>Such is life. I am trying to go on with my children's and my life. If he wants to be included ok...but I am tired of waiting for him to make his mind up. I will still continue with Plan A and start preparing for Plan B and perhaps a divorce. There comes a point when the pain is too much. <P>Stay strong and take care of yourself.