I reached my limit and decided that if she was going to be in my house and sleep in my bed the cell phone given to her by her boy friend was not going to exist any longer. She now has no cell phone and I saw something very interesting she was suffering from withdrawal. I went on to tell her that she has to be feeling very cheap, that she is bringing her family and her husband on the course of destruction. She must be very proud of all the right decisions she making while being in that fog. I told her that I have no respect for her because she has none for herself. This could be very easy Leave. I went on to tell her that this idiot boyfriend of hers must make her feel very special because she is drinking and lying more then ever. They must be good for each other.<P>I’m sorry that my plan A just couldn’t cut through this BS. It runs just to deep. Sure I’ll help her through this and save her once again only to be betrayed again. “ I asked her if she knew who Judaist was, “I told her she was the woman I loved and worshipped that doesn’t deserve to sleep in my bed anymore.”<BR>

just a few questions?<BR>did this make you feel better?<BR>how did she respond?<BR>and where do you go from here?<P>my prayers are with you.

Tough one, but it's really hard to help someone who has a substance abuse/addiction. I know pretty well.... my father is one such person.<P>My thoughts are with you, as well.<P>Be strong.<P>Bound<P><BR>

She just took everything I said and really didn't respond. She said I was the reason behind her unhappiness and she wanted me out of her life. I told her to move into her boyfriends house "Now". Where do I go frim here, well oin monday I will be calling Social Services and telling them that she took my son on a car ride after two martini's. I need to get custody of my children. Did it make me feel better, YES. I gave her a major reality moment. It had to hit home that she is living a lie, and causing pain to her children and husband. I feel bad for her but worse for my children.

Adamsol, <BR> Although your wife needed to know many of these things, the way you presented them seemed to cause some major LB's. <P>Do you want to save your marriage or are you just bitter? Going to Social Services and telling them about your wife will be a major, major LB and one you may not be able to recover from. <P>If you want to save your marriage I would not recommend doing this. Is there any other way you can get custody of your kids? Does she actually have legal custody? Since she is the one having the affair, I imagine a good lawyer could help you (at a minimum) get joint custody. Go talk to one.<P>Adamsol, you need to decide if you are going to give 100% to working on your marriage, or if you are calling it quits. Yes it hurts, yes plan A and not LBing is TOUGH, TOUGH, TOUGH, but we are here to help you if this is your decision.<P>If you just want to harbor pain and anger towards your wife and are out to hurt her, you should probably move over to the D/D board.<P>Good luck! Let us know your decision.

You are so right!

I needed to remove that cel phone from the house. if she never had it it would of been different. It was almost as if she were bringing him into our bedroom. As for the rest of the things said to her , well she needed to hear it and she did. There is a lot of damage being done in this house and she needed to know that. Yes I love her but I don't know her anymore.

Adamsol, that is the fog. I don't think any of the BS's on this site "know" their spouse anymore. They have been abducted by aliens. WAT - get the mothership ready - we have another one a comin'.<P>Loving her and working on your marriage are two entirely seperate things. You really do need to decide if working on your marriage is what you want - no matter what. It is GOING to hurt, it is going to cause you pain. It is easier to throw in the towel, get made at your W and try to get revenge. (believe me, I've dreamed of this many times). But the truth is, what is best for your children? What is best for you? What DO YOU WANT?<P>If you want to try and get your marriage back, then nix the trip to social services, start doing a better plan A and get ready for the roller coaster ride of your life. If your religious, pray, pray, pray.<P>HbH

I know you are very hurt with the situation, but does attacking your wife honestly make you feel any better? You cannot shame her into doing the right thing. You need to be the better person and take the higher road. I also do not agree with your turning your W in to CPS. That one phonecall can turn into a lifetime of hell for your wife. I can understand if she continually puts your child/children in danger, but one instance that didn't result in any harm should NOT be reported just so you can get custody. I am honestly beginning to wonder if you are acting like this out of hurt/anger or if this is just an example of your controlling angry personality that could have drove your wife away in the first place. Can you give me some insight? I'm just telling you how it seems to an outsider.<BR>June

I was angry and said things that should not of been said. Should I just give her back the OM cell phone ?. Yes she say's I'm controlling. I just gave her to much time, I thought that she would get back into her family instead it went into another affair. You might say that I made a major withdrwal last night from the love bank. But how do you live with the OM phone in her purse. The other man has called that cell phone atleast 5 times today.

Well, as others have said, and you realize too, your behaviour was wrong, so the usual do 2 wrongs make a right thingy applies here. You were WAAAAAAAYYYYY out of line, and if you are the supposed one not in a fog, aren't you the one responsible to act in a way that saves your marriage? One has to wonder if you are any better than your wife. You cannot excuse (not saying you are) your behaviour by saying hers is worse, or bad too, that is rationalization. What you did here is an outcome of who you are in your marriage, everyday, it didn't just come about cause of affair. Yes your wife may be hopeless, but whatever she is, you are making it worse as well (as indeed she is making you worse). So keep beating each other up, or someone grow up, guess that is the choice huh?

She needs to control getting rid of the cell phone. SHE needs to take that step!<P>My H had photos saved on a disc and a strip of b&w photos from a photo booth of him and OW. I found them, looked at them, but DID NOT destroy them. It was so difficult for me not to do, but I waited until he was ready. We did it together, he deleted all her personal info from his data directory at the same time. He was an emotional wreck and so was I. I made a comment that really upset him too - all in all not fun but I'm glad it was something HE did and not me and I think he appreciated that too. As difficult as it was for me, I comforted him in his despair. BOY did that take a lot, but he was hurting too.<P>Return the cell phone to her, but let her know in the most calm loving way you can, how much it hurts you that she has it and contacts OM with it. Ask for no contact with OM and give her the choice to lose the cell phone.<P>I completley understand your anger and boy, did I want to tell my H some stuff -but that wouldn't have helped at that stage. All those judgemental statements would have pushed him further into OW's grasp.<P>If you want your marriage - really - then you MUST Plan A and for the first while it feels like you are simply a doormat, but then you discover how plan A helps to rebuild YOU.<P>Hope this helps.

Ok.. I'm returning it, and i'm going to tell her that it just hurt me too much. I will tell her that I hope at some point that she returns it to him. I am the reponcible one but I just lost it and I'm sorry I did. I was getting her trust and I through it away. I do feel like the abused husband and a doormat. But it was her phone and not mine and she needs to keep it or get rid of it on her own.

It'll be hard, especially when we give our WS's all sorts of choices, and we were never given any choices when our spouses had A's. I didn't choose any of these awful feelings I went through - and boy do I get angry about that sometimes.<P>I think you need to be clear that returning the cell phone to her doesn't mean you condone contact with OM at all. You want to work on your marriage and the only way is if she gets rid of the cell phone and stops contact with OM. Plan A Plan A Plan A. AS much as you feel justified in everything you said to your W,apologizing for your angry outburst and judgemental statements will be a good thing. Hey I had two MAJOR outbursts with H over the last year that only set us back. We're only human.<P> I think Dr. Harley sets a time limit on plan A while affair is still on - about six weeks? Not sure would have to refer to SAA.<P>This only my feedback and advice and I'm certainly not telling you what to do. I don't have the answers, but with feedback on these posts you will find the answers for yourself.<P>God Bless!

I returned the phone and told her it was painful to me. I told her that I would like her to return it to him and stop seeing him. That most likly will not go very far. I apologized for the words we had last night and gave her a long hug. I wanted her to know that i was the better man.<P>Thanks for all your advice and support.

adamsol,<P>Remember that radical honesty is very important. It is never a love buster to be honest. The love buster part comes into play with the delivery... it is a love buster to be mean, critical, judgemental, inflict guilt, blame and to yell, scream, etc. <P>It takes a near saint to handle the type of situation you are in without love busting. But it is a goal worth striving to achieve. And if you can learn to handle it under this situation, you will be able to handle anything life throws at you in the future with dignity and resolve. A place worth growning to.<P>As for the custody issue. Calling social services may not be a good idea. For one thing they are going to wonder why you let her take the kids. It will look bad for you too. If you feel that a divorce cannot be avoided, please see an attorney now to find out your options. To find out what you can and cannot do to assure getting custody of your children. Shooting from the hip, like calling social services, may only back fire on you.<P>While taking her cell phone is probably a no-no. Perphaps you can tell her that it is your home, her having the cell phone hurts you. Since you would like to have peace in your home would she please leave it outside in her car. But if you do this, then be very civil and talk about yourself. How it affects you. Not about her.<P>This is a tough time, I feel for you.<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Adamsol:<P>When I found out my exW was driving the kids while intoxicated, I told her upfront: if it happens again, I will have no recourse but to report the incident as child endangerment.<P>Not lovebusting and having the kids injured in an automobile accident? When weighing the possibility of LBing against the safety of children ALWAYS come down on the side of safeguarding the children.<P>She did continue the drinking ... but not while with the children (one small moment of breaking through the fog).<P>In addition, I had instructed the children that if she were drinking, they were to call me (1-800-COLLECT was etched into their heads) wherever I might be and to NOT get in the car. I wrote a letter to that effect to my attorney, and he forwarded it to her attorney. Her attorney informed her that the state took a dim view of DUI with children and she should immediately re-evaluate her actions.<P>LB or not, it worked.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

I'll be talking with Steve Harley on Monday. Lets see where it goes. You know I'm closing in on 50 and I just can't see myself going on like this. I'm now dealing with a second affair that I know of, a wife that seems alien to me after 17 years. Where is the quality of life that always seems to be out of reach. This relationship has no more trust. She doesn’t trust me due to the fact I looked and found everything about her affair. I because she is on to her second A with lies and deseption and it permeates into our home, into the lives of our children. This is the second time I'm dealing with this over 5 years. Do you really believe that this can be repaired?

adamsol,<P>Yes I do believe it can be repaired because I've heard amazing stories of such. But if it is it will be tough.<P>RE: "She doesn’t trust me due to the fact I looked and found everything about her affair."<P>That's fogese... it is not that she does not trust you. It is that she is angry because you found out.<P>You have every right to know what she was up to. Radical honesty and no privacy is the only way to run a marriage. I am totally convinced of that now. Next time she tell you that she cannot trust you tell her something like....<P>" You can trust me.. you can always trust me to do what ever it takes to protect our children, you, myself and our marriage. There is no privacy in marraige. Everything I have to open to you."<BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

adamsol,<P>STL has the experience in this so I’d go with his opinion.<P>My point about is back firing on you was based on the assumption that you were present when she left with the children. In that case you would have the responsibility to keep her from taking them. Do you see what I mean? If she then took them against your will, then call the police and social services.<P>Z<BR>