My wife has been gone for about 4 weeks now . She has told me she lives with friends but she has been staying om. I tried to talk about what this other man gives her that i didnt because I wanted to meet her needs.. She said he fulfills her sexually in every way. And he is very romantic. She tells me she cant make up her mind if she wants to work on our marriage or not.. I really think she is trying the other side with this man keeping me around just in case. But my real dilemia is about our two kids. She left the house four weeks ago ( after I confronted her about the affair). She is trying very hard to have my kids meet this om. I have squelched her plan a couple times but she keeps assisting to take the kids to a baseballgame ( of course lying saying she is going with friends from work..om has season tickets and she always picks the days he has tickets) . I have told her our kids are confused and upset with our current living arraingment. They are 6 and 3years of age. Very hard on them. She usually sees them a few times a week. But cant take them overnite no where for them to stay in om rented apartment.. How do I get her to stop trying to force our kids in to a more confused state Please help ? P.S. I have been trying to plan A since she has been gone but to no avail yet.

Hi Glen - this problem comes up over and over and it seems to be one of the most frustrating for a parent BS. For me, the thought that my wife wanted my son around another man was a knife in the heart. Your feelings are right in line with mine.<P>Fast forward to the answer - there's not much we can do about it. When you wife has the kids she can do what she wants unless you have some legally binding restriction. What are your custody agreements, whether formal or informal?<P>We have a legal separation in which I stipulated that neither one of us can have opposite sex overnight guests while having our son. This effectively squashed that possibility. OM's wife successfully got a binding agreement that OM can't have their daughter in the presence of another woman (aimed at my wife) until he re-marries! (what an idiot) But this required the testimony of a shrink and was based on some real psychological damage.<P>In conclusion, you have to bite your tongue and stomach the insult. There can be a silver lining to this. Your wife's OM gets to see reality a little more and who knows, your kids may hate him?<P>Regarding your Plan A, what do you mean, "to no avail yet"? If you mean that it hasn't brought your wife back, you're missing the concept. YOU can't end the affair. It will end on its own timescale. To hasten it, don't directly interfere with it. YOUR influence on the affair comes from your changes you make in yourself to address the pre-existing problems in your marriage. The result of Plan A is supposed to be a better Glen, thus, elimination of the problems you caused to enable the affair to occur. This doesn't mean it's your fault - it's not. But you do have ownership of your problems. Understand?<P>WAT

Glen, I know how you feel. I told my H in my plan B letter that the kids were not to be around OW. Later on he tried set up a trip to Watercountry with OW her younger sister and our kids. I said "no way, never gonna happen."<P>We don't have formal visitations set up. I told MIL if he is with OW when he gets the kids that they don't go with him. My oldest daughter does not want anything to do with OW (she is 6 also) and I have explicitly told my H this. <P>If he won't respect my wishes I'm hoping he will at least respect hers (OD).<P>So, I don't really know how you thwart this effort of your wife's. Show her proof that it is really effecting your kids. Do they go to a counselor? Have the counselor write something to her that says the impact spending time with W and OM will have on the kids. You could try finding articles on it, but she probably won't read them (you know how difficult it is to educate while in the fog).<P>I am a firm believer that your 6-year old has a right to know what is going on (to some extent on their level). Others disagree. I simply told my daughter that her father is very confused right now and doesn't know what he wants. He still loves her but I don't know what is going to happen. She knows he has a girlfriend and what he is doing is morally wrong and against god's wishes. I try to answer her questions as unbiased as I can. But I will not keep her in the dark, this is effecting her just as much as it is effecting me.<P>But that is me and my beliefs.

Thanks for help I talked to her this a.m. after we played tennis. I told her it was what my counselor said about no contact with om..she said she would talk to her counselor.. I have another question my wifes om has been married for 23 years. The other day the om,s wife called me.. we talked for along time about my wife her husband. My wife found out and went ballistic she said what are you talking to that ***** for.. She said I told her about personal things about us ( which I did) she said that was the final straw how could i do that... She now says she cant trust me.... What do you guys think about talking to om wife ? My wife also says the other man totally satifies her sexually.. Is this just fog??? Thanks

Glen:<P>W's weather report: major fog conditions with a current of transference of guilt.<P>I also had the "no overnight stays" in which a person of the opposite sex was also present.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Glen, this is very, very, very typical, hypocritic, WS follies. SHE can be intimate with OM, but YOU can't discuss ANYTHING with OM's wife. <P>Why do you think this is so? Exactly, you're disrupting her fantasy world. Despite the double standard, openly communicating with OM's wife can disrupt your Plan A - believe me, I know from experience. Every contact she becomes aware of between you and OM's wife will be a huge LB. I had exactly the same situation. Your wife will play this against you relentlessly because it threatens her secrecy.<P>The best solution is to get OM's wife on this site and let her communicate with ALL OF US, INCLUDING YOU!!!!!! And, you Plan A the infidels from both directions. When that is established, NEVER bring up OM or OM's wife in conversation as long as the affair is ongoing.<P>WAT

Glen1<P>WAT's suggestion is a grand one! The more the merrier. Hmmm wonder if the double A approach should have an accronym? ... FAA (Fog-Afflicted Anonymous) ... nope, that one is reserved by the Federal government.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL