My H was asking my daughter to e-mail him about her feelings about him....so she did and it was pretty scathing. <P>He wrote back to her today and blamed all of the situations she described on our marriage interaction. Will he never accept responsibility for his actions? He has a horrible temper and has displayed it in many situations. How could he possibly blame them on me? He is so into justifying why he has done what he has done. How can he look at himself in the mirror. The kids have seen him in action...they know what he is like and are wondering why I even want to try and save our marriage.<P>It must be time to throw in the towel. I am disappointed in him and his rationales. Is this normal?

MnM,<P>So now he is willing to share his irrational statements with his children? More fog. <P>Now to the important question. Are YOU ready to throw in the towel? Remember this is a complete throw. Having to pickup that towel again will also take effort, maybe more than it took to throw it away. <P>L.

I don't know. This situation is getting more bizaare as the days go by. This affair this time really hit me by surprise. Our life had really seemed to be going fairly well, and we only had a few more months until he was off of probation with the airlines. It has been a tough year, with him gone alot.<P>Then the affair was brought to light, he moved out this time and it has been downhill since then. He started out saying "I don't know what I am doing...I have a lovely wife and great kids." And now I am this horrible, unloving, frigid, unemotional, spouse who "can't apologize for MY mistakes, can't control my mouth and blame others for my behavior. When my daughter wrote him about that email, she let him have it. It was like he was describing a perfect view of himself. Now he wrote her back saying that his behavior was all because of our marital interactions. He also stood up for his OW. This is starting to hurt too bad.<P>Why can't he just say he screwed up, he is in love with someone else and he is sorry. I could respect that a lot more. Instead he has to tear me apart in front of his family and kids to justify what he is doing. That is really sad. I have loved him and stood by him for so long. This is his 5th affair. What does he want?

I really appreciate all of your responses this last week or so. <P>I am amazed at how strong you all are. I wish I felt that way. I feel like he is in control of this situation again. I feel awful....I know intellectually and emotionally that I have really worked to keep this marriage going. But I still feel like a failure. He is so good at blaming me...and maybe deep down I feel I could have done more to prevent this situation.<P>I wish I was angry, so that I could file for divorce and move on with my life. Unfortunately, I still want my marriage to work, altho my love is quickly draining away. I am starting to ask "What's the point?"

Dear MnM,<P>Have I sent you the 5 stages of grieving? I send that thread out a lot so other can learn how to see where they are at and know what is ahead and how to plan based on their feelings and situations. <P>Since I send out that post a lot, I can't remember if I sent it to you. Please let me know and I can sent it. <P>You sound like your love for your H is getting dangerously low. That love bank stuff. Anyway, time for you to focus on your needs and that of your family. <P>Yes, my H defended OW and still does (to a lesser degree). They will do that. You realize that if he does not defend OW he can not justify his A. Those Ws's who don't justify the OP's actions are usually in recovery.<P>Why your H can't be honest about OW and move on? Because he probably can't decide what he wants and doesn't know what to really do. If there is a strong OW pulling his strings and his family, it is probably a hard thing for him. Some Ow's are very demanding. I happen to be dealing with a very selfish one. My H has only recently admitted this. So this may be a factor to his indeciveness (fence sitting stuff). My H liked sitting on the fence, he acted as if he was getting a better view. Dumb bunny, he did not realize what sitting on the fence really meant. He had to be shaken off when I went to plan B. Oops he fell on Ow's side, he jumped out, tried to find the fence and oops it was gone. No more fence. The W (me) was saying good bye. W chose not to deal with an irrational H. Only willing to deal with a sane one willing to bring value to the family and meet our needs and obligations. Oh, the obligations were to be met whether H was back with his family or not. <P>H would have walked away from his financial obligations if he could but I would not let him and he knew it. But it took me notifying his creditors, our landlord, my boss, his relatives and mine before he did something about it. Dumb but true. <P>So while he amy think he is in control, he is only of himself. You have control on your actions, reactions, conduct, speech and that of your family. Look who has more to control?!?!?!!? Don't let that scare you. The power of the family is with you. <P>Strength and peace to you and your family. <P>Just to touch on your statement about being strong? Oh, no secret. I created a strong support group, here at MB and at home. I asked God for a clear mind and calm heart. I cried and listened to all, read, researche and applied the good parts. After a while you get the hang of it and don't get hung up anymore. <P>You'll get there also. <P>L.<BR>PS: Letting your D speak her mind is good. As long as they know you are supportive of them, they can be your allies. It is important for the children to be able to speak their mind. Sometimes there words cary the message farther than we can to the Ws. <P><BR>

Hi, <P>Just wanted to add: You are NOT a failure. NO no NO!!!<P>You could be a frustrated hard working mother desparately trying to save her family and her marriage. You are not to blame for that. It is not a crime to want to save your marriage. <P>L.<BR>

Hello miserynmissouri,<P>I usually don't post much over here but I was reading your thread and it moved me to respond. Especially about your H blaming you and how you felt he was in control.<P>My STBX like your H had many affairs. 6 that I know of. I was really struggling a few weeks ago over the whole thing. I picked up my copy of Private Lies again and read the chapter on philanderes. I never thought of my STBX as a philanderer but a lot of what was said in the book fits. <P>If you don't have the book I highly recommend it. I will share some of the things in it with you if you would like. <P>Take Care.

This is his 5TH AFFAIR????????<BR>How many affairs does this bozo have to have before you show him the door? 10? 15?<BR>Are you not OFFENDED by his insults to your marriage and your self-respect?<BR>LOSE THIS LOSER!!!

Hey RealityCheck,<P> OK,time to tell YOUR story....I bet you are an OW from "another" board..........<P>At any rate you've come to the wrong board, this is Marriage Builders.......sheez.....LU

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by miserynmissouri:<BR><B>My H was asking my daughter to e-mail him about her feelings about him....so she did and it was pretty scathing. <P>He wrote back to her today and blamed all of the situations she described on our marriage interaction. Will he never accept responsibility for his actions? He has a horrible temper and has displayed it in many situations. How could he possibly blame them on me? He is so into justifying why he has done what he has done. How can he look at himself in the mirror. The kids have seen him in action...they know what he is like and are wondering why I even want to try and save our marriage.<P>It must be time to throw in the towel. I am disappointed in him and his rationales. Is this normal? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I found that attempting to find out what happened to your spouse before you met is a good starting point to help understand the behavior. THen place yourself in their shoes to figure out what you would do.<P>My W has committed adultery 9 times by my count. There may be more that I just don't know about. After finding that she was sexually abused as a child who doesn't really know how to deal with such things and a mother who also was sexually abused as a child didn't know how to give her a more appropriate respond other than get over it. The appropriate response from her mother would have been to listen to her and comfort her. These are the things that I have noticed that my W needs in greater proportions than I need them.<P>Leaving him will not solve your problem. Understanding him in ways that only God can show is the key. Does this mean that your pain is going to go away? No, but it will allow you to show your H the compassion that he needs so that he can be brought closer to God through you allowing God to direct your steps.<P>They deny everything because they like hiding in the dark which is where Satan wants them to be because it keeps them confused. The hardest thing for mankind to do is to admit that we are wrong. It is the pride thing along with a healthy dose of self gratification which only causes more problems for ourselves and the ones we love. Yet, it incredibly difficult to see this when you are in the dark.<P>During my searching for answers about my W's behavior, I found that she shows many if not all the signs of being bipolar (manic-depressive.) Sexual promiscuity is one of those symptoms. After the last adulterous act, she went inot a deep depression caused by OM not being faithful to her. Don't understand why she thought he would be faithful when he was committing adultery against God and his W. <P>She finally went to see a psychologist (who said that she was bipolar, found this out after we discussed beiing bipolar) and a psychiatrist (who prescribed effexor for the depression.) Hang in there. Keep praying for wisdom to deal with the mess.<BR><P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net

I don't have any advice here, just wanted to say that I have asked myself these same questions, from what I have read here he is in the fog and is reading from the script that all WS seem to be given. Take care of yourself.<BR>

MNM:<P>Fog. Fog. And more fog.<P>Time, I think for you to step back a bit from the turmoil and take a look at the longer haul. What is it YOU want to do?<P>Godspeed and prayers,<BR>STL

First time on today...thank you all for your comments. It really helps to hear some other perspectives on this turmoil. Sometimes I really feel like I am loosing it.<P>Orchid, thanks for the insights. This is hard isn't it? I have never read the 5 Stages of Grieving. It sounds really good.<P>Also, HopelessinAZ I haven't read the book on philanderers, anything to give me some insight as to why this keeps occuring.<P>Latest development, my H did fly back here last night. That is what amazes me...he has to fly back here and then drive 1 1/2 hours to get here. I don't know why he keeps doing this each week. Especially after all of his awful comments he made last week.<P>Anyway, he called about 11 this morning and askes to take my two youngest ones out for the day. My oldest daughter had the day off from work, so I took her and 2nd daughter shopping to get ready for our trip to Europe. I feel much better....I charged way more than I should have and bought some luggage for both of us too. It has been ages since any of us have been shopping...and it was fun...we hit all the sales. Anyway, for the first time in weeks, I feel better. I am even feeling better about this trip to Europe with 20 teenage girls!!!!<P>We drove home from KC and met H and little kids at the theater. We went to see Atlantis. He had bought us tickets, and stayed with us for the movie. Don't you think it must have been uncomfortable for him? It sure was for me. When we got home, evidently he had been washing clothes here this afternoon, he asked if we wanted to go boating tomorrow. That used to be our favorite family activity. We haven't been out for two summers because of his work schedule. Also our boat is over 11 years old now and it tends to break down--so I don't dare to take it out by myself. I noticed tonight that he had his wedding ring back on. He didn't wear at all the last two times he was home. <P>I don't know what to think...I am not sure if it is because I wrote and let him know that he was going to loose his family, or maybe it was my daughter's email, or was it because I didn't talk to him today? Anyway, before he left, he hugged me and kisses me and said said see you tomorrow. I feel like there is another let down coming tomorrow. It has been up and down like this for awhile now. <P>I have one other issue. I went on Prozac 2 1/2 weeks ago. The whole time I was on it, I felt antzy, and had to sleep alot. I just didn't feel like myself. Last night I didn't take one...and I feel so much better today. Has anyone else had that experience?<P>Do you think I should go boating tomorrow? The little kids really want to go...and it is something we have fun doing. What do you think?

Hi MnM,<P>I think there is some waffling going on in your state. Hm.... Good signs but don't want you to get your hopes too high. If you have a good day tomorrow, enjoy it for you and the chidlren sakes. H has his ring back on. That is a good sign but could be temporary. Oh, I wish I could guarantee something good. We can have hope. You can too. <BR>Just guard your heart. <P>Here is that thread about the 5 stages of grieving:<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html</A> <P>Have a nice time tomorrow. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P>

Orchid:<P>Thanks for the link! (And how are you ... not to detract from MNM's thread.)<P>MNM:<P>These are little signs. Perhaps the weather pattern is shifting. But as with weathermen, how can one predict those in the fog? But take it as one step forward ... and hope it isn't followed by two steps backward.<P>Prayers and thoughts for you and your family,<BR>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Thanks for your thoughts Orchad and SNL. They are always helpful. Will approach tomorrow with caution...don't want to be disappointed again. <P>I really appreciate the thread...it was very good. I seem to be waffling back and forth between the different stages. Depression was a biggie for the last couple of days. Feel better today tho.<P>Am heading to bed. Take care everyone!!