I have posted twice and I have read alot from this site. While some post have been encouraging some have been upsetting. <BR>Now I need some encouragement and I hope I can get some.<BR>I will give you a brief story so that I do not bore anyone.<BR>My W had an A. It started in November of 1999. It started out as an EA and like alot of the others, went to a PA. She has always claimed that I did not do anything wrong and that it was just the thrill of having another person care for her that made her do it.<BR>She gave him alot of money by paying for his rent, phone, cable you name it she paid for it. She fixed up his car. She even bought him a new car.<BR>She told me that they would go on shopping trips almost every week for stuff that he needed. She even cosigned a loan so that he could go back to school.<BR>On Easter of this year he decided to go back to his girlfriend. My wife told him that she was unwilling to share him with her (she was willing to share me) so thinks started to come to an end.<BR>At this time she has no way of contacting him and as far as I know she has not. He on the other hand has called my W every weekend since Easter except for three. <BR>She has told him what they did was wrong. Of course he is telling her that they did nothing wrong.<BR>We have been trying to get him to sign a promissory note for the money that he owes. Well he finally signed yesterday.<BR>I should be happy but I am not. He had to see her to sign the note. She was at work (by herself). I had asked her to call me on my cell phone when he came in so I could listen in but she left it in the backroom and so she did not call me.<BR>When I called later she told me that he had already been in.<BR>She told me that as he left he said see ya later. <BR>Now she is telling me "I know everyone is telling me that he used me and maybe he did but I think he really cared. I think we could still be friends." To hear that was like someone taking a knife and shoving it into my heart. <BR>He has ruined her credit and I am now having to pay for CC bills that somedays I don't know where the money is going to come from. Is the fog back? I have told him via a letter that if he contacts my wife for any reason again that I will tell his girlfriend. So I am hoping this will now keep him away. He has told my W that if his GF found out that she would hurt him.<BR>We are going to counsoling and I have been trying to read her the books. We have the 5 Love Lanquanges Book. I have continued to try and be a loving H and have been trying really hard to meet her needs.<BR>Our cousoler told me once that one day it will hit her as to what she has done and when it does it will probably hit her hard. I know it has not been that long (3 months since he went back to his gf) and I think this A had a premature ending. It did not die a natural death. <BR>I am very sad and alot of the pain has come rushing back.<BR>Will she ever see? Will the wounb ever heal? Please someone give me some more hope. I can see things changing but this weekend I feel has been a setback.<P>Thank for listening<BR>jpfour<BR>

JP, wow, it sounds like YOU are doing an awesome job! The strength and love you have shown for your wife is uplifting!!<P>I think you are going to be just fine. Don't worry about this weekend. Setbacks are going to occur, you have to deal with them and go on. It is tough, but definately worth it! You are doing great! I wish I could say I was in the same place as you right now (I am in plan B).<P>There are others here that can share with you how long it took them to rebuild their marriage. Many are going on 3+ years and still have occassional down days. But from what I understand it is wonderful! Keep working hard, filling those EN's and trying not to LB.<P>Think you could swing a counseling seesion with the Harley's? It may help!

jp4<P>Weekends are kinda slow here so you may not get a lot of posts.<P>A couple of things...<P>I am a BS...W had EA and then PA.<P>She has begun to come around a little and what has helped is three things:<P>No contact <BR>Time <BR>Patience<P>I think in your case your W needs to eliminate contact...for isntance was there some way the note could have been signed w/o her being there--through an intermeidary for example if this were to come up again?<P>It sounds like the contact pushed your W back a little. But I don't think it menas things are lost.<P>Even with no contact you need to get some time between the end of the A. Contact sets this back quite a bit.<P>I think if you told him in a letter that you would contact gf if he agains contacts your W, you have to be prepared to back it up.<P>He is getting away scot free here. <P>I mean, he has gf (who doesn't know); he probably still thinks he has your W (if he wants her, too) and all the money issues and gifts. Sheeeesh<P>He has had no pain...<P>I realize contacting the OP's sginifcant other can be dicey...but in your case it may be helpful. Whatever you decide to do, be patient. I kno wthere is pain...breathe deep and take it a little at a time.<P>good luck <P>E <P>------------------<BR>Lord give me patience, and give it to me NOW!

Thank you for your replys so far. I hope I get more.<P>hurtbyhubby<P>I have been trying very hard not to LB. Our next counsoling session is on the 9th. It always seems like when something happen good or bad the counsoling session seemd to be very far off.<BR>Thank you for letting me know this is just a setback. Sometimes it is very hard to deal with because it hurts so bad. It is very compounded when she does not seem to understand how much it really hurts.<P>Elad<BR>Thanks, it is so hard to have patience some time exspecially when we have gone thru what we have gone thru. I know that only by the grace of God have I been able to hold on. There are alot of days that I have felt like giving up but I am very glad I have not.<BR>There really should be no need for any more contact unless they do it on there own.<BR>He would not have signed the note anyother way. So at least that part is over.<BR>I have already written the letter to his GF so it will go out as long as my W tells he that he called.<BR>The OM is so sick in the head. Even yesterday he told my W to tell me that the car that she bought him was bought by his mother. My W told him I already knew and all he could say is that I told you that A's are ment to be kept secret and you had told me that you would not tell your husband. My W replied that, that is what guilt will do and if I want to have a relationship with my H then I have to tell him. SO I am hearing some good things. It just that when you hear a conflicting statement like I think we can still be friends, it happens to outweight the good. She still did not tell him that I know about the sex but I hope deep down he know that I do.<BR>I know patience and time are the key but somedays it is just so hard because it hurts and she does not want to talk about it. She says she is getting tired of hearing things.<BR>I have tried to be good but when he has called, I end up wanting to talk about it more. <BR>I know she is trying to forgot. Is it easier for her to forget? <P>Thanks again I hope I hear somemore I know I need it right now.<P>jpfour<P>

I think that you are an amazing man. I know of no other man that would not have walked away after what your wife has put you through. I do not know how a spouse could have done what she did to you. I wish you luck but you it makes me angry that your wife is not empathetic to you and does not seem to realize how lucky she is. The fact that she still cannot realize how she was used and the pain she has inflicted on you is very troubling. I wish that you find the happiness you so deserve. I would like you to read up about<BR>co-dependency.

Thanks BryanP.<BR>I guess I have not entered a being mad stage yet. I know I was upset yesterday because I can see what kind of man he is and for some reason she cann't. I don't know why she would want to assocate with that type of person. Hopefully our counsoling sessions will be able to find out.<BR>I am sadden by the fact that she just does not realize how much pain this has caused and what it has really done to our marriage. Hopefully with time she will see. Does this happen or does the WS sometimes try to forget so hard that they don't think about the BS feelings?<BR>I just know that I love her and that I wish the last year and a half would not have taken place. I accept that this weekend was a setback but it can be overcome.<P>Please keep responding I need all the encouragement I can get.<P>Thanks<BR>jpfour

I have a quick question. Is it normal for the WS to not want to talk about the A? Is it a good way for them to forget? The reason I ask is that I have about as much info about the A that I need, it is just when he has called I want to know what the tried to get her to talk about. I don't think she is upset that I want to talk. I think it is because I am bring him up. Her friends ask about him all the time too and I know that does not help either.<P>I am still sad over the setback that we had on Saturday. I know that saddness will go away over time as long as the no contact holds. <P>I was hopeing I would get some closure when he signed the note. I didn't and I think it is because of what he said after he left and then what my W said afterwards.<BR>In our next counsoling session I was going to ask her to write a no contact letter. Is this a good idea? I wanted to wait before I asked because I want the freshness of the contatc to be gone.<P>Thanks for you help<BR>jpfour

Hey jp4<P>Remember, this is two steps forward and one step back...<P>Patience and time...<P><P>------------------<BR>Lord give me patience, and give it to me NOW!

Thanks Elad<P>Sometime I just need some reassurance every now and then exspecially when I am having a bad memory day.<P>jpfour