Hi there I posted last night & as a new member not sure what happens here cause my post never showed up (maybe it's sitting in cyberspace & I shall get a hurry up 4 posting twice!!) Anyway can anyone out there help, we have been married 26yrs & 11yrs ago H had an A we have struggled on at times getting along famously then something would set me off (bit of a jealous soul sometimes & show outward confidence but crumbling on the inside)anyway this OP lives in our small village (250 people) was a family friend (this is a long story I warn u)so I had a great deal of trouble dealing with things & I guess was constantly looking for re-assurance from H. Anyway 9 or so yrs passed & a neighbour of ours (new people) needed a horse to ride so I suggested that H might have one she could use, trouble was she had trouble with it so H used to take her out, they became great friends & i have to say that the jealous side of me reared it's ugly head again & I made some comments that I wish I had kept to myself, I explained everything to this person about what had happened b4 she suggested that maybe I couldn't get over what had happened previously because i hadn't forgiven H for the A so after some consideration I decided that yea maybe she was right so we had the conversation & he was so pleased I guess he felt a burden off his shoulders so was I except for the fact that the very next night he was at the pub early am when the original OW got in his car when he left the pub & got a lift to a house they were all going to a drinking session (H said that this was the first time they had spoken since I found out about the A & he ended it straight away) she was offered a ride home after the drinks by someone else but said no she would get a ride with H (I was sitting on the front porch at this time wondering if he'd had a accident) they drove past our house & sat & talked in our car when she put her hand on his knee & told him she still loved; him he said he wasn't interested she got out & he fell asleep in the car but not b4 she had left a very large earing where I would find it! anyway he was most upset when he sobered up but I said I thought that the past had not been dealt with & that he should make a decision if it was me or her he wanted so he went round & told her to keep away from me & keep away from him. (OK scene 44 this must be)! Well we got things sorted again & the friend riding the horse found she had a autistic neuroma (a slow growing non malignant tumour behind her ear) H became very concerned (well we all were) but I started to become concerned about how attached they were becoming, all his spare time seemed to be riding so I opened my big mouth yet again anyhow they & another femail friend went away for the weekend with the horses to help on her sisters farm & while they were gone the friends husband happened to phone me about something & mentioned about the amount of time they spent on the phone & riding etc etc that he was hurt that she wouldn't let him help her when she was Ill so when they got home from the weekend I was P----d at the pub & the freind & her husband had a row & she left him for a week anyhow they are still friends & still doing the horse thing together (H is a very busy dairy farmer so the horses are his outlet) anyhow to cut an even longer story short H told me 2 days ago that he no longer loves me hasn't for around a year! what can we do? he is very upset crying a lot (we both are I am shell shocked) He asked me back into bed last night just to talk but wants to hug me nothing more & cry & cry about how he doesn't know what to do but the way he is talking is it's over there is absoloutly no emotion or feeling in him at all I am finding it very hard to take I wasn't expecting this I have spent months asking him why he won't tell me he loves me & it was only because I kept on that he finally told me. One of the things that he said was the beginning of the end was one day him & his friend went on a very long day trip to help her buy a horse (just the night b4 we had agreed that we would not discuss our marriage with others) they tried to phone me & left the cell phone on when they couldnt get me which went 2 our answer phone I heard them talking about me & H said I wonder where she is his friend said probably down at,pub cause she will be P----d off that we are doing this no I expected to hear him say we won't talk about that but all I heard was them talking about me & her H I misunderstood something that was said & when they got home went flying over & tore a strip off them both anyway basically end of story bottom line is I love this guy to bits but he doesn't love me I wish he would get on here & tell his story he's a great guy.<BR>Thanks, Cally

I'm sorry that your messages got lost in cyberspace. I'm also sorry for what you're going through.<P>Have you read through the MB principals? The info. in this website will be extemely useful to you. The people that post here can offer you valuable support and answers too.<P>What your H has said about not loving you anymore is typical of the wayward spouse. It is like they become possessed and no longer act themselves. <P>Please don't give up on your relationship! Go to plan A or plan B. There is info. about these on this website. It will give you a plan to stick with in your tough time ahead.<BR>Let us know any questions you have. We are here for you.<P>Best wishes.<BR>Maezy

Maezy! Thanks for you kind words, I'm afraid that we are both a blithering mess at the moment. We own a large dairy farm, bed & breakfast & horse trekking business the trekking business is only 6 months old & we have sunk a lot of money into it & also so that H can concentrate on that full time we have taken on a contract milker to run the farm. So there are lots of things to consider he keeps asking me want I want to do & says that he still cares about me. We have discussed a couple of options one being that he moves out but stays in the village as we still have to run the busineses (they are all on the farm property)& he comes here to do his jobs. The other is that we don't say anything to anyone & battle on for a couple of years & then sell up everything god what a mess. We were married very young (I was 17 & H was 22) all my family are in the UK we are in New Zealand, I am 43 & H is 48 we have two fantastic boys who are 24 & 26 both living away but in NZ. We came to NZ (H is a kiwi) after we were married. He keeps saying that he is no good for me??? He often brings up that when he was young he was always put down by his family & told he was no good & I guess my criticism has not helped at all if only we could turn back the clock (I guess that we all say that) we came to NZ with $400 & a baby & struggeled for years to build up what we have now. We have a beautiful home & farm & I know that the horse trekking is going to take off so we have to be strong. Can anyone make any suggestions H has made up his mind & seems to be so determined that I am better off without him. I am totally at a loss for what to do he keeps coming up to me & hugging me & saying he is sorry then says matter of factly we have to do this & that etc etc (this is turning into another long post, sorry I promise that they will get shorter, or non at all) Has anyone out there had a similar experience I feel so sick can't eat can't sleep.....................<BR>CYa<BR>Cally

cally please hang in there it does not sound like he knows what he wants it is called the "fog". My H has been gone for 6 weeks he is having an A with an waitress from the bar where he works and she is married 2 kids and living with her H still and he does not know about this A. You have one good thing going for you you H is still living there so that gives you lots of time to work on Plan A and B. Like most of us say on here it is like he is some sort of alien. Hang in there you are in for a rollercoaster ride. There are going to be bumps and ups and downs but you are strong like the rest of us and you will get through this. DO NOT GIVE UP IF YOU STILL TRULY LOVE HIM. It will all work out just start Plan A and when you know you did all you can do in Plan A got to Plan B but make sure you are ready for Plan B. Keep in touch I will watch for your posts. Good Luck and keep your chin up high.<P>------------------<BR>I Still Love Him

Thanks everyone for all your encouragement<BR>Cally