Hello everyone,<P>I am fairly new to this website and "MB" principles, so I want to be sure I am handling this correctly. To get to know "my story", please read some of my posts (there are only a few).<P>My W has denied an A, even in the face of some considerable proof. I believe I have been in plan "A" for several months, even before I knew about MB. <P>This is what I've been doing:<P>1. When I confronted my W about OM, I just stated some of the facts that I knew. I did not get angry, I did not judge her, I did not make any demands. I only expressed my desire to talk about it openly and honestly. She continued to lie so I stopped discussing it. (2 months ago) <P>2. I wrote my W a letter acknowledging and accepting the responsibility for the mistakes I've made and for my past behavior that contributed to our problems. (2 weeks ago)<P>3. I have worked very hard over the past 7 months to make the changes that were necessary. My W has acknowledged these changes, although may not believe that are permanent.<P>4. I am reading alot. I have read or am reading the following: "His Needs, Her Needs", "Tough Love", "Tongue Fu", "Divorce Busting", "Stop Controlling Me", etc. My W is not aware of this.<P>5. I have been as loving, considerate and understanding as possible.<P>This is what I haven't been doing:<P>1. I have not been affectionate (because that's an EN I don't feel she will let me meet at this time)<P>2. I have not initiated any conversations about OM, divorce or our marriage. I don't want to pressure her into having a discussion on anything until she's ready.<P>3. I have not been completely forthcoming about everything I know about the A, it seemed pointless since she continues to deny it. <P>4. I have not LB'd.<P>5. I haven't been calling her at work without a reason; I used to call at least once a day if only to say "hi".<P>I plan on making an appointment with Steve Harley very soon.<P>Other than that, I would like your opinions/suggestions on what I am doing, should be doing or could be doing differently.<P>sad dad<P>[This message has been edited by sad dad (edited July 02, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by sad dad (edited July 02, 2001).]

Hi it seems to me you are doing a great job you keep going there<BR>Jen

sad dad - textbook implementation.<P>One thing that jumped out at me is your claim to not have LB'd. Remember, it's your wife who determines what an LB is. In other words, you may not have intended an LB, but if she received it that way, it's an LB.<P>Another subtle point is that you should try to meet EN's that she'll let you, i.e., maybe she will welcome some affection, so maybe creep up on it. Same goes for everyday conversation. If you used to call her at work everyday, don't completely give it up on a suspicion she doesn't want it. Maybe she does. Only you can feel through these EN situations - follow your hunches until you get a cool response, then back off a little.<P>Keep up the good work.<P>WAT

WAT,<P>I get your point on LB's. Angry outbursts and disrespectful judgements (criticism) were BIG problems for me and I've really been able to overcome them. My W has noticed, but is waiting for "the other shoe to fall", as she put. Let her wait!!!<P>As far as affection goes, I've started to do a few small things. I started kissing her goodbye again in the morning when I leave for work. She's usually half asleep. When I walk past her, I'll put my hand on her shoulder or back just for a second. I will start calling her again at work. Not everyday, but maybe every other day. <P>sad dad

sad dad:<P>A very solid Plan A. Stay the course. And please do follow up on that call to Steve.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Good job!!<P>We have similarities. My issue was angry outbursts and disrespectful judgements also. And like your wife, mine says if we reconcile, I'll just go back to my old ways. BTW, her's isn't an affair, either.<P>If you don't have it, consider getting "Private Lies" by Frank Pitman (Pittman?). A really good book for deeper understanding of the psychology of affairs.<P>WAT

Well, I made my first appointment with Steve Harley. I hope it helps.<P>sad dad

Hi SadDad:<P>Your Plan A seems to be just about perfect....makes me wonder why it's not having more results....and then it occurred to me that too much Plan A can leave the WS too contented with the situation. <P>I don't mean you need to LB or start trying to discuss "the relationship" again...but you need to make more overt efforts (which you said you were going to do) to supply your wife's EN (especially those that OM is supplying)...in your attempt to keep from LB by distancing yourself you have have allowed OM greater room to manipulate her ENs.<P>The gist of this is if she is too satisfied then there is no impetus to move...either way. To me there is no reason not to call her at work (just shows you care) and you do need to start showing little signs of affection again. Give her some reason to be conflicted....she certainly doesn't show any sign that she is right now. If something is not working, then you need to make an adjustment...and see what happens.<P>Faye

buffy,<P>I couldn't agree more. I did call her today, but got her voice mail. I've made a concious effort to look at her whenever she talks to me and give her my undivided attention. I will try to be more affectionate, but to be honest I'm a little scared. I'm not sure how to be more affectionate without overwhelming her. Any suggestions?<P>I admit that my approach may be too laid back. I may need to be more aggresive in my desire to show her how much I care. I'm just so scared of pushing her further away.<P>Good news is that conversation the past few days seems to be more natural and unforced. We are going to a minor league baseball game tomorrow with some friends. I can't remember the last time we did something together socially outside of family functions. Hopefully we'll have a good time.<P>sad dad<P>

SadDad:<P>I think WAT suggestion of a few tenative expressions of affection offered and not rebuffed are a place to start...you might consider also that expressions of affection don't always have to be physical...undivided attention is great (and don't forget eye contact...this is actually one I have asked for because it indicates he is here in the moment with you)...little things that make life easier for her...anything that says "I'm think about you"....without being too pushy....just make sure that its something that she will see as a sign of affection. Even little things like checking her car or asking how she is...they are simple things but men often forget that we appreciate them...if we don't have to ask.<BR>Usually cards and notes would be expression of affection that would be appreciated but in this case I think that would be too much right now. <P>How about planning a special outing...could be with the kids at first, but later just the two of you. Is there something she likes to do...but you usually don't...for me it's dancing...I love it, he doesn't...but he goes anyway...because it makes me happy. There must be something. Give it some thought.<P>Faye<BR><p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited July 03, 2001).]

This is a terrific thread because I'm a little "Plan A" confused too! (I just wanted to make you feel like you're not the only one in your situation.) However, I've had very little luck with affection because everytime I try, my H says, "Don't..." (I wonder if I should just stop trying?)<P>I have had some luck with telling my H that he looks good when he wears certain clothes, telling him to have a nice day and preparing some favorite dishes. Part of my Plan A has also included more consideration and attention to his unique needs like help with his work presentations, suggest more, initiate more, become more active in gardening where I never was...<P>

T (and others):<P>To give your affection a boost, read Gregory Godek's <I>1001 Ways to be Romantic</I> ... ka-ching go the love bank deposits. The book is not about sex: it is about expressing the emotion of love in a physical way.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Dear STL, Great suggestion...just wondering, how should I deal with rejection of any affection?<BR>