Our youngest daughters (4 and 3) don't really understand what is going on in our house....but they know something is wrong...and they know that thier father is having a hard time of it right now.<BR>Our oldest daughter (10) keeps asking the same question over and over again. Is daddy leaving us again?<BR>Exactly what am I supposed to tell her? I don't even know myself.<BR>When I asked my H if he had made a decision a couple of days ago he said....why is it my decision to make?<BR>Wierd question....since he knows exactly what I want.<P>My daughter just told me something that I did not know...which makes me feel so bad for her right now.<BR>She told me that when my H came home this last time (2 months ago) that he told her it was forever and that every night from now on when she wakes up in the middle of the night because of a bad dream or anything he would be here.<BR>This is breaking her heart....she's been through so much already and she's so worried about it....and he's still here.<BR>She says she doesn't want to live in this house if her father isn't here because there is too much to make her think off us all being together all the time and being happy. She says she knows that when she starts school that she will cry every time one of her friends talks about something they did with their parents together....knowing that she won't have that anymore.<BR>She refuses to go to counseling if her father won't go...and he refuses to go also.<BR>She's only 10 years old.....and has been through so much already.....I have my hands full now....trying to answer her questions.....but sometimes don't even know how to answer them.<BR>All he tells her is that she shouldn't worry about it...and gets a little angry with her because she does. He told her that he wasn't leaving....and when she asked him again if he was going to be here forever his answer was.....well...maybe not forever.<BR>BUT....he did tell her forever.<BR>I'm so afraid that she will end up hating him.

This is what I am going to tell my boys...<P>(they are almost 8, 5 and 2)...<P>Daddy needs some thinking time to figure things out. Kinda like a 'time out.' You will still be able to talk to him and see him...he just isn't sleeping here right now.<P><BR>He loves you and I love you. Neither one of us is going to leave you. One of us will always be here...<P>Please tell us what you are thinking and feeling, if you can, so we can help you. If you can't talk to us, let me know who you want to talk to about what is going on.<P>I will nail this down more when I see him later today. I want us to be on the same page about the kids.<P><P>------------------<BR><P><I> Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. </I> <B> Galatians 6:9 </B>

I've tried telling my daughter all of those things.<BR>No matter what I tell her she says....if he loves us girls and if he loves you even just a little why won't he try?<P>I've told her that none of this is her fault...that her dad loves her and all that.<BR>But she wonders....because he doesn't hug her when she is upset about it all and he talks to her like he's mad when she brings it up. She has a fear of talking to him I think.....she has it in her head that he is going to tell her that he's going to leave....and I think she's right.<P>I just feel so bad for my kids right now.....our middle daughter will be having surgery on her eyes in about a month and it will be so hard for her to go through this and what her father is doing at the same time.<P>I've just been at a loss....this just came on so suddenly...when I thought things were actually getting better.

HUGS! HUGS! and more HUGS!<P>All you can do is talk to them and encourage them to talk to you and your H. <P>This is hard...I remember going it through it when I was 10. I didn't talk about it...to either parent. Actually, until recently, I've never talked about how I felt to anybody. (I'm 38.) <P>It will change your daughter forever, but you can minimize it by YOU talking to her and reassuring her. I wish one of my parents had talked to me (without blaming the other).<P>My kids are now asking Q's and I have to talk with them.<P>Good luck<P>Diva

Miss Priss,<P>Don’t lie to the children or tell them something you cannot make happen (such as Dad will always be here.)<P>Honesty is best for them from you. Dad is digging a hole he may never get out of, but not much you can do about it. If they ask you something and you don’t know, tell them you don’t know. It let’s them see you are only human.<P>Diva,<BR><B>He loves you and I love you. Neither one of us is going to leave you. One of us will always be here...</B><BR>You can’t tell them he won’t leave them. You don’t know. By all means, tell them you will always be there for them, but if you promise them something and cannot make it happen, then they will be disappointed in you & Dad when he leaves.<P>Miss Priss,<BR><B>No matter what I tell her she says....if he loves us girls and if he loves you even just a little why won't he try?</B><BR>Just tell her you don’t know. Parents (as much as we would like to) cannot always fix everything for our kids. They have to suffer and know it is okay to hurt & feel pain when bad things happen to them.<P>Be a rock for your kids. Love them & let them know it. Let them know it is okay to be hurt & confused & talking about their feelings is the best way to deal with them.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Miss Priss,<P>I want to second what Chris said and add my 2 cents worth.<P>You *cannot* speak for your husband. That is his responsibility. Don't speak against him, by all means, but don't speak for him either. If your children ask you questions about their father that are his responsibility to answer, you need to tell them that you do not know. You are sorry. but that you would love to hear about how they feel and that you will be there for them no matter what. In a normal situation we spouses get into the habit of speaking for each other and that's ok, but under these conditions, you don't know if your husband is going to be there and you can't make it happen.<P>You can also explain things in the kindest way, but don't lie. Lies are always wrong. When my 14 year old daughter finally came to me with suspicions and asked point blank, "Who is <insert OM's name>" I said, "Sweetheart, I'm sorry, but your mommy had an affair." She cried on my shoulder for a long time and then said, very matter of factly "that explains a lot." Then she said, "Well, I know mommy loves me, and I know you love me. I still have two parents who love me, and that's how I'm going to think about it for now." I said, "That sounds like a very good idea. But you know, I'm always here for you." She said, "I know, Dad. Now, I don't want to talk about it anymore."<P>I know it hurt her, but I believe that since she already had suspicions, she was better off hearing the truth from me (it would have been better coming from her mom) than me lying to her and her finding out about it later.<P>Heaven's I know how this rips you apart inside, but be there, be honest, don't speak for your husband, and remember that you are the parent.<P>God's peace,<P>Ish

Hi MP,<P>You should be honest with your children. Even the little ones know. Mine is 6 years old. He cried when H first moved out, said he no longer wanted to go to school since the kids were going to laugh at him for not having a dad. <P>About 3 months later, he wrote a 4 sentence letter to his dad. It was short and sweet, moved us to tears. H still has that letter. It was one of the things that brought him home. As OW was telling him that his son would be ok without him, H would recall those 4 little sentences:<P>Dear Dad,<BR>Why do you want a divorce?<BR>Why don't you want to live with us?<BR>I want you to live with us.<BR>I love you.<P>Love,<BR>Joel<P>I still want to cry reading this. He wrote it by himself with a few misspellings. From the heart. I always kept him involved and informed as needed. He knew where his support was and knew I would not abandon him like his father. At first he did not talk to his dad about it because he said he was 'too embarrased'. Imagine a 6 year old being too embarrassed about his father's A? <P>Eventually, our son did speak to his dad. The last time was when we were out having dinner. Real conversation stopper. Not sure if H had a hard time swoling his food. <P>Show your little ones that they are involved. They can speak when you can't and they are incredibly honest. Even your little ones. Don't underestimate their ability. It makes them feel a part of the family if they can have a share even in some of the pain. They are seeing you suffer anyway. What makes you think they are not already suffering? They are. They know. Don't keep them in the dark. More than likely they are willing to help. <P>This is just my opinion. It worked for me. <P>L.<P>

I agree with Ishmael and Orchid wholeheartedly.<P>Can you explain to your daughter your fears? I think she would listen and you may be able to convince her to see a counselor if you treat her as if she were older and you could discuss these important things with her.<P>