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Joined: Jul 2001
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OUR COUNSELOR SUGGESTED THAT HUSBAND WHO HAD AN AFFAIR WITH MY FRIEND HAD ADD. WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH AN AFFAIR?<BR>
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Joined: Jul 1999
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What does having an attention deficit disorder have to do with having an affair? In my opinion NOTHING. Can't say, "Oh, i somehow didn't take notice that i was married during the affair" Just doesn't wash.
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Joined: May 2001
Posts: 1,137
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karenw:<P>As to having the affair, ADD only plays a role.<P>As a former wayward spouse (WS in MBese), during my recovery process with my wife (W), it was discovered in counseling that I have ADD.<P>ADD is caused by certain chemical defiencies in the brain (such as dopamine, and many others). In an affair, dopamine (and other chemicals) are produced by the brain. So, in essence, it becomes a form of self-medication. As with any type of self-medicating, it is easy to become addicted.<P>Again, this does not in any way excuse the affair itself. These words are meant just to show how ADD can relate to the affair process.<P>(trying2_4give: have you experience with ADD issues?)<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL
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Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 3
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THANKS FOR THE INPUT. I READ THE RECOMMENDED BOOK REGARDING ADD BUT IT TALKED ABOUT LACK OF ATTENTION ETC. THIS MAN IS A VP OF A LARGE COMPANY AND IS QUITE SUCCESSFUL. i DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THIS RELATES TO THE AFFAIR AND CAN THIS DEFICIT BE OVERCOME? OR IS THIS GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME AGAIN?
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Joined: May 2001
Posts: 44
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karenw,<P>My H and son have both recently been diagnosed as ADD. Just to give you and example, my 12 year old S has excellent grades, can hyperfocus (ADD word) at school and do a great job, but give him some jobs at home and he can't complete them. He has very difficult times in working on things that have more than one step....I have to break things down into one step at a time or they are overwhelming to him. <P>My H has also struggled with ADD for most of his life, but we are just now understanding the impact. He is very able to do many complex things, but seems to be distracted during conversations, is usually reading AND watching TV at the same time, has trouble completing projects, is very 'self-focused', has difficulty seeing the true impact of his actions/decisions on others.<P>I encourage you to read 'Driven to Distraction' by Edward Hallowell and 'Adult ADD' by Whitemand & Novotni. There is no CURE for ADD, but there are medications and behavior modifcations that can make a huge difference. <P>My son is on a very low dose of adderall that is making a miraculous difference in is responsiveness. My H has tried a couple of medications and is now on his third ( it seems to be more difficult to find the right medication for adults) but the results can be astounding.<P>Even if your H does have ADD....it did not cause the affair. The tendencies that he has to be self-focused and possibly not easily communicate feelings may have made that decision an easier one for him, but it was a decision that he made.<P>Read everthing that you can on this site, and also about ADD. Consider talking to your H about a possible ADD analysis.<P>Hope this information helped.
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Joined: May 2001
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karenw:<P>Get the book "Healing ADD" by Dr. Amen. A really great resource in understanding the different types of ADD (there are six types he shows [using brain spects], while most MDs recognize only two).<P>This book will open your eyes about ADD.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL
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Joined: May 2001
Posts: 4,297
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Here is another link to a thread on ADD.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/003610.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/003610.html</A> <P>People with ADD seek out stimulation to self medicate. This is why many of them seek out the "wrong friends". It is stimulating. One of the things I've been reading about is that many of the online affairs that are now becoming rather commonplace involve people who have ADD. There stimulation of chat draws these people in. Once in the situation they are very compulsive, so it is easier for them to get and stay hooked.<P>Z<BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare
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Joined: May 2001
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To all Inet-related WS's:<P>I was there, I can attest to it. It is a very insidiously dangerous place to be. Sort of a "boil the frog slowly" approach. The trap there is easy to fall into.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL
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Joined: Apr 2000
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People with ADD can be extremely impulsive, and not think about the consequences of their actions. Like everyone said, it's not the CAUSE of an A. It's only a factor. Even alcoholics have to held accountable for their behavior, no matter how drunk they get.<P>Nell
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