Today my H told me that he just can't get past it. He just cannot accept what I did. He said he understands how much he was hurting me, but he cannot accept what I did. He said I still can't talk to him.. yet when I do, he becomes incredibly defensive and angry. I told him how he always put his job and other activities ahead of the family.. he didn't agree, got angry and told me to leave. He said he's just been "hanging on" for the last eight months. He said he's always depressed and has no desire to do anything. He said he loved me more than anything, but just couldn't accept it. I can't seem to convince him that we can get through this.. that our problems pale to others.. that we love each other, and I made a terrible choice. I don't know what is left.

Leighann dear;<P>Remember that he is the one who can not get past anything. You have been trying everything that you can think of to get this guy to remember what he married you for and that you are doing your very best to make up for the mistake that you made.<P>He is the one that has to poop or get off the pot! I can't believe that anyone can be this short sighted and selfish either, yet as we see inthese forums everyday, they are.<P>Hang in there, we are with you!

L:<P>Any way you could convince him to come on here? Or to read Surviving an Affair?<P>Just a few thoughts.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Thank you for the support... I have tried to get him to read several things.. especially "Overcoming Verbal Abuse" , which was like reading about my life.. so he'd at least understand where I was. He says nothing will change the way he feels.. nothing will explain or justify what I did. He acknowledges that he was abusive toward me, that he put me in lot of pain, but refuses to accept the choice that I made. He cannot understand that I did not have the courage to stand up to him like I should have ( my children kept me from doing that- plus, he had me so convinced that something was wrong with me. ) He thinks I couldn't possibly have loved him and had an A. He just doesn't get it. I know he wouldn't come onto this board. I can't get him to read anything. He finally agreed to talk to a minister ( but ours unfortunately- our minister is sooo strict.. I don't know what he'll think of me when they talk)<BR>I do have to face the fact that he can't get over it. I can't do anything about that. I don't know what I should do... encourage him to leave.. keep hanging in there.. it's getting worse instead of better. He can't think of anything else.. but what I did.

The same way he can't believe you don't love him due to you having the affair, is the same way you felt about him not loving you due to the emotionaly/verbal abuse. Affairs are also said to be a form of emotional abuse too. And he is correct, NOTHING will ever justify what you did, just like nothing justifies what he did. You have both abused each other, you lived with it for years because it was what he was used to. He ego seems to be so shattered because he thought no matter how abusive he was to you that you would do nothing about it. You did do something, but in the wrong way. Your H has the reactions of an abusive, controlling person. Don't get me wrong, as I have said before your reaction to your H is wrong, but he played a part in it too. I think you need to sit your H down and ask him is it really the affair that plagues him, or the fact that he saw himself in total control of you and when he found out you sought someone else, his control is now gone? That he can't treat you however he wants and not eventually have to pay the consequences.

Leighann,<P>Whenever, I read posts such as yours I am so torn. While most of the posters to this thread are comforting you by noting he was verbally abusive to you before your affair, you and I know you made a really bad choice. You also know he has a right to be hurt and to yes seek a divorce.<P>All other reasoning aside this is the situation. <P>It is not a flaw in his character to not be able to deal with it. An affair is very close to the ultimate betrayal, and some would claim being shot to death by their spouse would be preferable. Yet, this is marriage builders and we, like you, would prefer to see your marriage continue, grow, and prosper. So what to do?<P>I have forgotten if you have children, if so this will complicate things tremendously. I would recommend you rely on the tried and true, TIME and PATIENCE. I have no doubt that your H is telling you how he feels. I have no doubt his feelings will change and T&P works. I don't know if he can change enough. I do know you shouldn't be abused in your attempts to rebuild the marriage. Perhaps if your H is dead set on a divorce, a separation would be useful. It is not the best thing, but it is better than divorce.<P>My recommendation to you Leighann, is conduct yourself with Grace, Patience, and understanding. It is really all you can do and wait for T&P to do some work.<P>God Bless,<P>JL