Hi everybody! I was miserable last night so I posted this:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/postings.cgi?action=reply&forum=General+Questions+II&number=37&topic=010177.cgi&TopicSubject=On+the+Verge+of+Plan+B+-+Advice+Needed!+(please" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/postings.cgi?action=reply&forum=General+Questions+II&number=37&topic=010177.cgi&TopicSubject=On+the+Verge+of+Plan+B+-+Advice+Needed!+(please</A> !)<P>I got some great replies and went to bed. It would be cool if you'd read it, but the gist is that I was confused about how well I was Plan A'ing in the face of my W's refusal to end the A, plus her desire for us to separate leading me inexorably to Plan B.<P>Well *&% if she doesn't come in later and announce that it *seems* to be over with the OM. She still wants for us to separate so that she can spend time figuring out what she wants and how to sort of fix herself. She says she just can't do that unless we're separated.<P>I tend to agree that the separation could be a good thing and may be the only way to save our marriage. So I agreed verbally but I also suggested the idea that maybe we should consider the option of trying to achieve the same goals without separating, just for the sake of it being easier financially, logistically, etc. She said no.<P>I asked her if she thinks we could work out and she said that she thinks there's great potential there. She still wants me to be very involved with our daughter (my step) and have her come over to my apartment and spend the night and stuff. (Does sound fun!) But she warned me that she is giving no guarantees. And the real downer of the night was when she also said that breaking up with the OM was also the only way that it would be possible for THEM to have a real relationship in the future. She didn't say what she wanted: me or him, just that separating from me and ending it with him is the only way to keep both alive for the future.<P>People, I love this woman so very deeply. But I also love myself and about 5 hours after this talk was suddenly gripped by the reality: that she could so easily have gone to lunch with him today and they could have made up, and like Emeril sez: BOOM! There goes me for a few hours, in my own private hell...<P>She clearly wants me to be there for her and the little girl, but also wants her space and me out. How can I pull this off? She's in a way suggesting a half-Plan B... Is this one of the cases where you do the old "Plan A from afar"? Can I ask her if she's talked to him today, or do I just need to keep smiling, doing my best to care of these girls, and wait for her to talk to me, while concentrating on improving myself on my own terms? I feel like I need to know what's going on with him... who ended it, whether or not she's trying to get him back or vice versa, etc. Can I ask her these things? What's off-limits for us to talk about? Is there any truth to the idea that being aloof and into my own thing (which I am, with no intentionality on my part, that's just the way I am being right now) is preferable to always "being there."<P>Aye, caramba. (sp?) Any thoughts greatly appreciated.

FN:<P>Ai yi yi is right.<P>One question: has she read Surviving an Affair?<P>If so, perhaps a sit-down to discuss emotional needs, yours and hers; and to discuss what the rules of honesty, care, protection and time really mean.<P>If she hasn't read it, perhaps getting her to read it ... or to read Dr. Harley's basics ( <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html</A> ) is the place to start.<P>Tell her that you are sharing this with her not to "preach" or moralize, but so that you can both work on saving the marriage from a common reference point.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Thanks STL... I really need to get a copy of that... I want to buy it locally, but I can't seem to find it. I may have to order it. I'm also thinking of calling Steve to talk about what I should do.<P>Really appreciate the input...<P>fake_name<P>

Hi fake_name:<P>Hmmmmm.....something fishy here!!!!<P>There's a cardinal rule around here about WS moving out...it is that it is usually to make things easy for them to see OP. That's what I think is going on here.<P>Also she apparently wants to keep you both in the picture for the time being....but I bet that OP has said she must move out for the A to continue. So she tells you "it's to work on herself" and him "we separated now". Neither one of you is probably getting the entire truth.<P>But she's still no sure or you would be getting the usually "I don't love you anymore" "we're soulmates" speel.<BR>So there is a lot of hope in the situation. I would think just keep doing Plan A and if she's really serious about working on herself and the affair is trully over (when she wants it to be over) then you will have been laying some good groundwork for recovery. Until then....hang in there...and....Plan A, Plan A, Plan A.<P>Faye<P>

Hi,<P>It is called: "keeping their options open". That is what my H did. Until I put a stop to it. I refused to be anything other than #1. <P>H kept saying:"oh, 2 women want me". I said oh really, you have 2 OWs? He said no you and OW. I said, oh then only 1 woman really wants you, the OW. I am not willing to settle for 1/2 a man. <P>Now mind you H did come home. Lied to me the 1st 6 weeks and now that I have found it out, he asked for 1 last chance (which has been granted, though I am having a hard time with it). We have been put back as #1 in his life but he is not treating us well enough and he has admitted it.<P>So, I went to plan b before he came home and still in it. The question is that while you know you love your wife, is this the character you love? Is this how you want her to be with you? Or are you in love with the way she was, could be or should be? Focus not on the physical but the inner person, then decide what you will settle for. Remember to respect yourself, then you will respect her also. <P>L.<BR>

FN:<P>You can order the book online here at MB ( <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html</A> ) or click the Bookstore link at the top of the page.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL