Hello everyone. This is my first topic. I hope someone can help me. My wife and I have been married for 9 years. We have two small boys. Our marriage has not been bad. I know we had communication problems but noting that can't be worked out.<BR>About three months ago my wife said that she was going out with her girlfriend from work for dinner and drinks. She said she would be back by 9:00 PM. She arrived at home around 3:00 AM. There was no phone call. This is very not like her. She goes out maybe four time a year with her work friends and always come home on time. I asked her why she was so late, and she said that she had a few cocktail and needed to sober up. My wife is not the drinker.<BR> Ever since then, she has totally changed towards me. She is very cold, distant and our sex life is gone. I caught her making a call late at night to someone about a month and a half ago, when I confronted her, she said it was to her girlfriend. The next morning I hit the redial button and got a male friend that she works with. I confronted her if she spoke with anyone else that night, and she said no. She lied. My wife never lied to me before. She finally told me that day that she calls him up for conversation because she said "he's easy to talk to". I asked her if she had feelings for him, and she said "I don't know". I was devastated. <BR>I did some research a few weeks later and found out that she had called him over 100 times in a two month span. I confronted her about this and she said that she had called him up only a hand full of times. Again, more lies. By looking on the phone records, I found out that she had called this guy when she came home the night she stayed out till 3:00am. I asked my wife if he was with them that night and she said "no". I asked again and she finally told me that he did go with the for drinks and dinner. She swears nothing happened. <BR>After this all went down, I pleaded with her not give up on us. She said she has nothing left in the tank and she is not sure about what's going to happen between us. <BR>As weeks went on, I gave my wife her space, but I found more and more lies about her calling him. I don't think it's physical with them, but it's killing me. We have gone to a therapist who said what were going thought is tough but we can make it work it BOTH of us tried to make it work. Up until now she has given 0% on trying. She said that she does not like the way I do things in general. My wife get more distant each week. I love my wife, but I do not know what to do. I get advice from everyone to give her a kick her out to tell her folks. I would do anything it takes but I getting nothing in return. I need help.<P>

Welcome Dino...<P>you have come to a good place to start your healing.<P>1st. read everything at this site. You might start with the tour or the basic concepts.<P>2nd. the 'just found out' forum has many beginning posts with information about acronyms, plan a & b, etc.<P>3rd. read posts. you will find that what you are going through is very similar to what we all are dealing with. The names change, the script does not.<P>4th. get some of the recommended reading...especially <I> Surviving an Affair </I>. <P>You are on a very painful rollercoaster ride; but this site has many supportive people. While I'm sorry for your situation, I'm glad you found us.<P>Diva<P>------------------<BR><P><I> Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. </I> <B> Galatians 6:9 </B>

oops...double post...computer glitch.<P>Diva<p>[This message has been edited by Diva (edited July 02, 2001).]

Hi Dino:<P>Like Diva said you need to first basically acquaint yourself with the MB principles and do some reading...both the posts and the general MB information...there is a lot of valuable information in this material. <P>Secondly, like a lot of us BS, you indicate that your problems are not that bad...just some general comunications problems....nothing serious....well, you know what....they were serious enough that she found someone else to talk to about them....when it should have been you.<P>Now, it's crux time....she's in an affair...hopefully just EA now but could turn physical at any time...and you've got to take off your blinders and see what's wrong....maybe it's you, maybe it's her, but probably it's a little bit of both. The MB materials and the recommended books to read are a good place to start to see what may be wrong. If you read them you will begin to see your own mistakes, probably, or how failure to meet ENs in the marriage lead to disatisfaction on both sides. <P>It's not too late, but you can't wait for her to do something...because her something will probably be to leave you...read about Plan A and try to discover what ENs are not being met and then go to work. She's still there...use that to your advantage. <P>Again, Welcome and I hope you stay around long enough to do some good.<P>Faye<P><BR>

Sorry double post....once was enough for you to have to read. <P>F <p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited July 02, 2001).]

I know I'm new but what is step A and B. I need a great discription.

Dino:<P>Here are some sites to "jumpstart" your way into Marriage Builders:<P>First, an answer to your question: "What Are Plan A and Plan B?" <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html</A> <P>Then:<BR>"General Welcome for All New Builders" <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html</A> <P>"Notable Posts/Threads" <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000554.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000554.html</A> <P>"Books" <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000556.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000556.html</A> <P>"Other Useful Sites" <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000558.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000558.html</A> <P>"Acronyms and Smilies" <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000557.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000557.html</A> <P>I hope this helps!!<P>Blessings,<BR>HBC