Help! The more I learn, the more frightened I become. I never got the chance to "Plan A OR Plan B" - I came home to a note on the TV and div. papers in the mailbox. All keys to house, cars, etc. were on TV as well. While most clothes are still here, and I thought that might be a *good* thing, now I just think it means he didn't want many reminders of his **horrible** life here.<P>When STL made the following statement on another thread, it struck a chord in me:<B> Plan A ... the longer it is delayed, the more your H will feel justified in<BR>his A (she doesn't love me, she is cold and withdrawn, etc. etc. etc </B><BR>Basically, in our ONE and ONLY phone conversation after he left, that is what he said. "The marriage has been over a long time...I didn't think you'd even care or notice if I left..." I ASSURED him that wasn't the case, and he seemed genuinely shocked at that revelation (attesting to my LACK of meeting his EN's - my bad) <BR>So I'm asking everyone here, especially WS's, who've been in "the fog" - if OW is meeting basically ALL his EN, and I have been meeting virtually NONE of them, *what would he want to come back to???* I've hit a very low spot here tonight. Except for the fact that we've been married for 20 years, and there MUST have been a time when I was meeting his EN(I'm sure there was), what have I to go on except for "history"? I'm feeling very depressed right now.<BR>I mean, he now has a job (apparently) - didn't have one when he left here. He has someone who is meeting his needs and (presumably) is "making him happy". WHY then am I torturing myself in thinking he would WANT to come back to THIS???<BR>I'm in a really bad place right now.<BR>Lupo

Sorry Lupo. No advice here. But a bump up to someone who might have something for you. My prayers are with you. Don't give up on God. He is still bigger than this problem. He is there for all your needs. Lean on him.<P>------------------<BR>Faith1

Its never toolate to start plan a.<BR>You can do it long distance. Sounds like you have already started to identify the problems in your marriage and work on yourself. That is the biggest part of plan A. The next part is no Love busters and that is easiser with them out of the house. If you have any conatct with him be pleasant and upbeat and listen to him, have a list of safe topics, what is happening around the house or whatever. I sent cards while he was gone, just general info to let him know I was here and thinking of him. <P>Just try that for awhile, what have you got to loose? Sounds like he was feeling neglected... my H said the same thing by the way and he left for 8 months, but came back.<P>Lora

lupolady,<P>Plan A is about you, focus on you, affairs rarely last, I was talking to someone who's WS had a 2 1/2 year affair, its now over and they are in recovery, (Not MB). So if you Plan A your butt off and make changes he will notice in your casual conversation eventually he should warm up to you, it's sloew and frustrating, but delay the D as long as possible as time is your friend. Be patient and pace yourself.<P>Good luck<P>JK

<B>If you have any conatct with him be pleasant and upbeat and listen to him, have a list of safe topics, what is happening around the house or whatever. I sent cards while he was gone, just general info to let him know I was here and thinking of him. <BR></B><BR>Thanks, Lora. The ideas are good. I DID send him a note with a Father's Day card. It was VERY emotional, said all the Plan A stuff I never got to say. But I have NO way of knowing if he got it. I do not hear ONE WORD from him...nothing. JK kinda hard to Plan A someone who WILL NOT talk to you at all. He doesn't even know I know about OW. I never came up in our one and only conversation in the last 6 weeks. Sometimes I wonder how THAT will end if I can't "expose" it so his guilt will kick in. <BR>I feel like all the people involved in keeping him in the fog (not only OW, but my H's bro. and SIL - they are all friends - they set this all up), are also keeping him insulated from my attempts to contact him. I don't do it often, but I've tried a couple of things just to let him know I AM thinking of him, I AM concerned....just don't know that it's getting through. Of 3 cell calls I've made to him, 2 were returned to me, UNDELIVERED three weeks later. That hurt the worst. But now I think it wasn't him. I think maybe someone else has his cell phone, and he isn't even aware I've called. After all, the calls were about important matters, things he NEEDED to know about, money stuff, etc. To just BOUNCE them back to me, undelivered, that was a major blow.<BR>Faith, I know God hears, I know God is keeping my H and myself close to each other in His way. It's the only thing that is giving me comfort. I'm just in a bad place tonight, and I needed someone to tell me it's going to be ok....<BR>In fact, I "stepped out" in faith today, and I think that's why the "attacks" came on and were so vicious. I went to get my oil changed - took my truck to our local dealer. He asked how my H was doing, where he's working,etc. Well, that set off the water-works, and I blurted out that he'd left me 6 weeks ago. He felt really badly, so I let him off the hook with "Don't worry, he'll be back, I'm praying and God is going to work a miracle. Watch for it!" I meant it at the time, then I had to pray to God after I left there: "God, I've stepped out in faith, here!! Please answer my prayer for deliverance, Lord!" AND THEN THE ATTACKS STARTED!!! I realized it after I wrote my post, but it didn't help me keep it away. I fell for it anyway. Oh, when will we silly creatures learn to trust our Creator? <BR>Anyway, thank all of you for posting back so quickly. I appreciate knowing others are out there, helping me (and all of us) to battle through all this...it's just so hard some days. And this has been one of them days.<BR>Lupo<P>

Lupo:<P>It is never too late to start Plan A ... it is just that delaying it makes the hill all the more steep.<P>So, even though D papers, etc. have been filed, it still isn't too late.<P>To paraphrase an old theatre line: "It isn't over 'til the fat judge signs."<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Hey, my H was the master of no communication. I wrote my heart out and never had one response. I sent cards, no response. He left here , didnt give me his phone number or address and never contacted me for 4 months. But you know what, when he moved back in I found all those cards in his stuff. <P>Hang in there and keep communicating as much as you can. If there are things he has to know or deal with keep trying... But its a fine line between bugging him so dont go to overboard either.<BR>Lora

<B>Hey, my H was the master of no communication. I wrote my heart out and never had one response. I sent cards, no response. He left here , didnt give me his phone number or address and never contacted me for 4 months. But you know what, when he moved back in I found all those cards in his stuff. <P>Lora</B>[/QUOTE]<P>WOW! Lora, this is exactly what I was looking for!! How precious your story is. Thank you, thank you!! I "felt" that writing him "occasionally" would be OK, but wasn't sure, since he said - NO CONTACT except through our attorneys. I got news for ya, honey, I GOT NO ATTORNEY. So, Lora, what kind of "general" things shall I tell him? Would it be OK to tell him I have unpacked everything from our move? Or stick to NON-personal discussion? I figure once every 2-3 weeks will be enough. Just enough to keep me somewhere in that fog-addled brain and cropping up once in a while.<BR>STL, as usual, you crack me up!! BTW - nothing has been "filed". He simply went to an attorney and had divorce settlement papers sent to me for me to sign, NO-CONTEST divorce. No way, pal!! I ain't signing anything.<P>You guys are the best! NO WONDER there are so many success stories on this site.<BR>Lupo

Lupo,<P>Well, I just wrote about the cat and the house and yard and things I was doing, and contact I had had with his family. Nothing too intense, no relationship stuff. I felt like I was writting to a black hole sometimes, but I kept it up, every few weeks to a month I guess. <P>And eventually he called, wanted some stuff, then called to talk, still just causual, and then we did taxes and went out to dinner..... I think it took him 4 months to end it with her, I was getting ready to go to plan B in 1 week when he asked to come home.<P>So yes, affairs end and if you can hang on, he will proabaly want to talk to you again. When I think of how easy it would have been to give up, tofollow everyone elses advice to move on, to start dating.... If you want your marriage keep on fighting for it in the smartest way I have seen.<P>Can you call the Harleys for counseling? Even one time really helped me to stay on course and feel like I had a plan to work with.<BR>Lora