I ordered the books that were recommended to me by many of you, but they haven't arrived yet. I have not talked to my H about his whereabouts last weekend. I really hoped he would just tell me. Unfortunately, we both began to be very quiet by last Friday - I think he may be feeling guilty and may wonder if I am suspicious. On Saturday, he got paged in the afternoon and went into "work" for an hour. The rest of the weekend was nice - we made dinners together, took long walks, and even had some conversations about our relationship. He said that he wished I would give my opinion more often, so that we could be partners. I explained that for so many years in this relationship, I did not feel my opinion was valued, so I probably try not to disagree. I told H that I needed to feel safe to be able to have an opinion, and he agreed. Progress in that area!<BR> <BR>Tonight, H called me at work and said he will be working late. This is common in his line of work, and although I have often resented it, I never suspected anything else might be going on. Because of his unknown whereabouts last weekend, I do not feel he is really working. I have a friend who said they would check it out for me. (They hope this will finally get me to talk to H about this) Tomorrow is a very big day for me at work, so I asked this friend not to tell me until tomorrow night.<P>I have not read the book about LBs, but I have a feeling my detective work is not going to be well taken by H. I was thinking that this "proof" might push me to bring up last weekend, and say that I was hoping he would tell me on his own, but it has been eating at me and when we're apart I am assuming the worst. Then I do not have to bring up tonight's antics, but I will be more solid in my position.<P>I am uneasy about talking to H about this. (He just moved back after two years) The conversations never seem to go my way and I am very emotional during these types of discussions and usually cry. This does not help my position. Is it OK to write things down in a letter? Could I bring up my suspicions that way? Some said that would not work because he could make things up, but I will already know the answer. <P>I really need those books!!! I analyze everything, and I always have to be prepared for every outcome. This causes lots of inaction.<P>One more thing, why does a WS come back if they are still with OP? <P>

Hi Everron - I saved you from falling off the first page.<P>Even before your books arrive, you can get a lot of info from reading the "Concepts" section on this site.<P>A few of your concerns:<P>"I have a feeling my detective work is not going to be well taken by H."<P>Right you are, but snooping is a normal response when you feel you're being deceived. As soon as you know enough to be sure of your suspicions, you have to confront him, but in as much of a loving, non-confrontational way as possible. He will either 1) fess up and roll over, 2) fess up but be defiant, or 3) deny everything. That moment will define a lot of things.<P>"Is it OK to write things down in a letter? Could I bring up my suspicions that way?"<P>Absolutely! Writing give you more control over what and how you say things.<P>"Some said that would not work because he could make things up..."<P>He's likely to make things up and deny your evidence regardless of how it's presented to him.<P>"One more thing, why does a WS come back if they are still with OP?"<P>There can be many reasons, not the least of which is that they're not sure they want to give up the BS.<P>Start reading the Concepts and come back with specific questions.<P>WAT

I am a mess right now, but I need to talk. H was very depressed for the last few days. This AM we went for a walk- 3 miles and no talking. The only thing I said was I told him that I loved him and I am there if he needed to talk. When we got back, he was acting very strangely. He finally started a discussion with me. He said that a couple of days ago I mentioned not feeling connected to him. He said that he felt the same way. We began a three hour talk. It ended with him saying that he needed a few days alone to think.. I know that he will be staying with OW since my friend confirmed that his car was there the other night. I used the advice that all of you gave. I actually mentioned that I thought there might be an affair. I told him that I know he lied about last weekend and I am not sure where he was. I said that I know he had another life for two years and maybe there was someone else. He said nothing. He did not deny there was someone else. I said that after a two year separation, I assumed that he wanted to work on us if he came back. He says that we have tried for two months and it doesn't seem to be working. He can be gone for two years, but two months is all he can handle! He has left for a few days now. I am unsure what to do next.

Ev<P>It is very possible that your H is suffering from withdrawal of other woman. I am assuming that he has been having this affair for 2 years. He is probably as confused as you are.<P>I think that you should be careful right now, as to what you give your opinion on. You had mentioned to him that you didn't feel connected to him. How do you think that made him feel to hear you say that? He may be giving it all he has right now.<P>When you check on him and find that he has been at OW house, how does this make you feel? What does it do for your PMA? Is it productive or counter productive for you?<P>You don't know that he is with OW now. Maybe, he went away by himself to think.<P>I don't think I would do anything when he comes back. Just be his friend. Don't question him about his space. Give him a big smile when he comes home and tell him that it is good to see him.

Everron,<P>You are detaching your love from your H and the more you learn the farther you get. Is that how you want it to go? Are you confused about how to bring back your H? <P>Well, bringing back your H is not completely in your control but your actions and reactions are. So for now concentrate on yourself. A bad thing to do is to assume while your H is having an A. Even simple statements may be meant one way by H and taken another way by you. <P>Work on being gentle and loving. Let your H see that you are the loving W. Yes, he may be having an A but you are one with the working tools. <P>If you want to talk, you can e-mail me at lhmkem@yahoo.com.<BR>My H is at work and I am in CA so it is still early here. <P>Take Care, <BR>L.<P>

My H has left for a few days to "think". I drove past the OW's house and he is there. He told me he is going to stay at a friend's but I didn't believe him. Now what do I do? He did not admit to an A, but now that I have proof, should I continue down this path? He says that he still loves me, but maybe not romantically. I want to leave him a note with my findings. Actually, I want to call over there. I feel that it is over. I wanted to walk up and ring the doorbell. What is wrong with me?<P>He said that he doesn't want this to go on for very long. (He is supposedly "thinking" this weekend) Is he going to choose one of us? Do I wait or do I tell him all I know? What is the point?

Dear Everron,<P>Back in Dec 2000 (d/d end of Nov 2000), H said he needed to be alone. I even packed his bag?!?!? H left and soon he and OW were driving all over town looking for a motel. I called H on his cell, evidently there was a big convetion in town and all the hotels were booked. Even the 'cheap ones'. OW is a slow driver and H lost her a couple of times. H was tired and called back to say he was coming home. Well he did find a hotel and never came home. I called about 4:30am and lo and behold I heard a woman moaning. YUCK!!!! OW was in his bed. Uggh.. <P>This was the beginning. H was lying. His reason was so I wouldn't be hurt. WHAT?!@?!?!? This was hurting me more. Lying and an A. Fogese graduate was now babbling. <P>Is he ready to choose? I don't think so. Are you ready to learn the truth? Maybe but brace for more than you may want to hear. Both you and H need to get into counseling ASAP. Your H may not be ready to be truthful yet. <P>Don't make any life changing decisions yet. There is a lot ahead for you. Read the SAA and his needs/her needs. Streghten your support group. Visit your doctor and let him know of your situation. <P>L.<P>

I have decided not to write a note about seeing his car in front of OW house. He said he will be back in a few days after he thinks about things. The last comment he said to me was that he doesn't want this to go on for long. He said "your crazy husband just needs to figure things out" I will agree with the crazy statement. I now know that he has stayed at her place for the last three weekends using different excuses each time. <P>If he comes back and says he is having A and wants to divorce, how do I respond? Or he comes back and says he wants to work things out with me? Do I say "great, but I know you are having an A"? Won't that send him right back to her? <P>I'm assuming she knows what is going on more than me. After all, he got rid of his apartment, so they cannot go there. I think that she maybe recently got divorced. She has children, we do not. That is baffling to me that he would want that responsibility when he cannot even commit to one person!<P>Any thoughts on my next step? <P>I am so exhausted that I don't know if I energy to fight for this. I told him during our three hour talk that I will fight for our marriage, but I cannot be in competition with someone else. No comment by H.<P>Thanks for all the help so far.

Everron,<P>"Don't make any life changing decisions yet. There is a lot ahead for you. Read the SAA and his needs/her needs. Streghten your support group. Visit your doctor and let him know of your situation."<P>Here is the quote from my last post. You have some homework. Your H admits to being out of sync. You both know this. Let him work this out. H is probably wondering why this is happening to him and why he is pushing to defy logic. You can't help that piece now. So strengthen yourself so you can be ready when he needs the help. Remember to RESPECT YOURSELF. Your H needs to respect you and not expect you to lower your standards for him. <P>This is the hard part E. Keep posting. You have my e-mail address. If you need me, write. Take a look in the questions I posted to you on that post. See if you can answer them. <P>It is rough hon, I know. But you will make it through. <P>Take Care, <P>L.

I have changed my mind again. I am going to write a letter to WS and tell him that I have confirmed his A, and he needs to end it and start counseling immediately if he wants to continue our marriage. My biggest fear is H will say "OK then we're done". But I cannot worry about that. I have to get back my self-esteem right now. <P>I have toyed with the idea of leaving the letter in his car at her house. That would prove I know. OW might find letter first. I have no idea what she knows about the marriage. Or should I leave it here at the house? He usually eats lunch here when I am at work. Do I ask him to leave a response, or say let's talk in a few days? <P>Everything will change when he realizes that I know. I see him as a totally different person now, a stranger. I am afraid to talk to him face-to-face because I might cave. I have really looked deep into our patterns, and this has always been a problem. I do not know what I want right now, but I need respect. I know he is also afraid to talk to me. Otherwise he would be here now.<P>I also do not think I owe him an explanation about my findings. Would you agree? He has not explained anything to me. <P>

My husband was at the house today. His bag is unpacked and his clothes are in the laundry basket. He called around 7PM to say "hi" and asked how I am. He told me he has to work tonight until 2AM, and then he will come by "to just sleep". I guess that means no talk. I have my confrontation speech prepared. I have had no communication with him since Wed. (I did not write a letter to him about the A) Why would he come to spend the night? Why can't he stay at her place? I know he was with her since he left - I saw his car several nights. What should I do? I must confront the A - this is ridiculous! Is he testing the water? Seeing what my reaction will be? Does he plan to just slip back in and keep this going? I am confused. What next?

Hi Everron,<P>I am going to ask you some hard questions. They are hard for me also now. <P>Do you want your H back at home if he has not commited to be with you 100%? Is it ok that he bring home his laundry for you to do? Where will he be in 3 days or 1 week? <P>Ow is meeting some of his needs but evidently doing laundry isn't one of them. Do you want to provide him comfort so that he can keep doing his A? Well, we know the answer to this last question is NO. But what are our actions really saying? I have been guilty of that also. I want soo much for my H to really be here, not just in body but mind, heart and soul. My H can't at this time and probably won't so our family arrangement is heading to be dissolved. It does not mean that yours will be. <P>Think about these questions and see if you and your H can see where he really is and where he is going. Most Wss can't see into the future. Their minds are too clogged up.<P>L.<BR>

Thanks Orchid.<P>My husband came home last night at 11:30. He got into bed like he had not been gone for six nights. This morning he told me he is looking forward to talking tonight. We will meet in one hour at 5:30 at our house. I must stay strong and confront this once and for all. I am going to tell him I love him, but I cannot continue like this. I do not know if I can continue even with counseling. You are right Orchid - he brings home his laundry for me to do? He spent six nights with her. I cannot guess what he will say tonight. Maybe he will ask for a divorce. Maybe he will say he's made up his mind and is coming home. Why does that not make me happy? I do not want to be the consolation prize - I figure she gave him an ultimatum Monday night so he came back here. I do not believe he can make up his mind about either of us when he is spending time with the other. I have lost seven pounds this week - this is not healthy for me. As much as I want him to choose me, I wanted him to do that two months ago.<P>Just ranting. I guess everything will be out in the open tonight.

Thanks Orchid.<P>My husband came home last night at 11:30. He got into bed like he had not been gone for six nights. This morning he told me he is looking forward to talking tonight. We will meet in one hour at 5:30 at our house. I must stay strong and confront this once and for all. I am going to tell him I love him, but I cannot continue like this. I do not know if I can continue even with counseling. You are right Orchid - he brings home his laundry for me to do? He spent six nights with her. I cannot guess what he will say tonight. Maybe he will ask for a divorce. Maybe he will say he's made up his mind and is coming home. Why does that not make me happy? I do not want to be the consolation prize - I figure she gave him an ultimatum Monday night so he came back here. I do not believe he can make up his mind about either of us when he is spending time with the other. I have lost seven pounds this week - this is not healthy for me. As much as I want him to choose me, I wanted him to do that two months ago.<P>Just ranting. I guess everything will be out in the open tonight.

Thanks Orchid.<P>My husband came home last night at 11:30. He got into bed like he had not been gone for six nights. This morning he told me he is looking forward to talking tonight. We will meet in one hour at 5:30 at our house. I must stay strong and confront this once and for all. I am going to tell him I love him, but I cannot continue like this. I do not know if I can continue even with counseling. You are right Orchid - he brings home his laundry for me to do? He spent six nights with her. I cannot guess what he will say tonight. Maybe he will ask for a divorce. Maybe he will say he's made up his mind and is coming home. Why does that not make me happy? I do not want to be the consolation prize - I figure she gave him an ultimatum Monday night so he came back here. I do not believe he can make up his mind about either of us when he is spending time with the other. I have lost seven pounds this week - this is not healthy for me. As much as I want him to choose me, I wanted him to do that two months ago.<P>Just ranting. I guess everything will be out in the open tonight.