I'm just a little discouraged today. The past few days my W has seemed to be in a bettter mood. Conversations were more natural and lighthearted. I thought maybe we were turning a corner, then BAM! She told me we need to talk about where we're going to live. She asked if we should find places to live before we sell the house or sell the house first. I told her I hadn't thought about it.<P>Reasons for hope:<P>1. she hasn't filed for divorce<P>2. we are still living together and sleeping in the same bed<P>3. we are getting along<P>Reasons to give up hope:<P>1. she keeps bringing up divorce (occasionally)<P>2. she stopped wearing her wedding ring<P>3. no indication she wants to work on our marriage<P>Somebody give me a reason to be encouraged!<P>sad dad

sad dad - I know where you're coming from.<P>Look at your list. Diametrically opposed indications. Can you conclude she doesn't know what she wants?<P>It is so, so easy to become obsessed with trying to figure out what's going on in their heads, but we have to try to focus on other things. It has helped me to remember that it doesn't really matter what they're thinking at the moment, because it's likely to change without warning. Further, no matter where their head is at, OUR actions will still be the same - Plan A, Plan A, Plan A.<P>We cannot guarantee ourselves success, but we can do one better: We can deserve it!<P>WAT

WAT,<P>We both know she doesn't know what she wants. If she was absolutely sure about divorce, she would pack up our daughter, go stay with her parents, borrow money or cash in some stocks for a lawyer, and file. All viable options, none of which she's choosen to do.<P>At times, I wish she would move out so she could have some time to really think about what she wants, but I know that probably wouldn't be the best thing for us.<P>As you know from my earlier posts, I'm having trouble finding subtle ways to start showing my W affection. I saw a book at Border's about affection. Maybe I can get some ideas from it.<P>Thanks,<BR>sad dad

SD:<P>While at the bookstore, grab a copy of Gregory Godek's <I>1001 Ways to be Romantic</I> ... his definition of love being an emotional and romance being the physical expression of love is great. Ka-ching go the love units.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

sad dad - I am convinced that you're starting out better than any body else I've followed on this forum. Is that encouraging?<P>Regarding the possibility of her leaving, yep, not the best, but don't discount it as potentially being very effective.<P>WAT

WAT,<P>Thank you for the kind words and encouragement. I may be new to MB, but as you may have read in my earlier posts I have been getting some coaching/counseling from someone I met on another website for several months. He is not a desciple of MB, but his advice has been consistent with the advice I'm getting here.<P>He went through this last year and fortunately came out of it with his marriage better than ever. In his case, his W left to pursue the A, it died out and months later they were able to reconcile. His W never admitted the A until they were back together.<P>I really appreciate all the support I get here. I try talking to my friends and family about this, but they just can't possibly understand. Many of them simply tell me to let her go and get on with my life. They don't understand that this is a long process that requires patience, resolve, determination, and the ability to check your emotions at the door.<P>I'm doing the best that I can.<P>sad dad<p>[This message has been edited by sad dad (edited July 03, 2001).]

Just bumping it up, need more encouragement. Actually, I'm doing fine!!!!!

sad dad - you're doing terrific!!<P>What you heard from good intentioned friends and family seems universal - almost as if they're operating from a script, too. Having the friend with first hand experience gives you a big advantage for coping, if not success.<P>Good Luck,<BR>WAT