Yesterday my H had me convinced that he was thinking of leaving.. (said he has for a long time).. last night, we had a pretty good night.. he said he wanted to savor those moments, but could not stand the thought that any minute, any day the thoughts of the A would come flooding back. He's going out of his way to help me.. getting the kids up in the morning, sorting clothes this morning, asking what he can do ( I think so I won't complain anymore- he's so type A and can't fail)... but I know that anytime today, he'll be talking about leaving again and not being able to handle it. It's interesting.. I see so much on this board about Plan A.. we didn't need to go through that.. me and the OM agreed to give our marriages everything we had.. we knew it was the right and best thing to do.. yet it's still extremely difficult.<P>He keeps saying that I never talk about "us" and "feelings".. and yes, I classicly avoid painful conversation.. how, as the WS, do you bring up.. feelings. What in the world do you say? I have said many times how sorry I am, and all he'll say is "I know, but that's not good enough."

L:<P>You honestly express your emotions. If you and your H haven't done the emotional needs questionnaire in Surviving an Affair, do so. It will be an eye-opener.<P>Discuss also ways to implement the four rules: honesty, care, protection and time. They are the key components on which to rebuild.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Leighann,<P>You can also find the Emotional Needs Questionaire on the Marriage Builders web site (see the link at the top of the forum page). STL is right, this questionaire is a real eye opener. It's very important to figure out what both your needs are to have much chance at recovery.<P>In Dr. Harley's discussion (on the web site) of infidelity he talks specifically about restoring the marriage after an A. Your H probably has big problems with trust right now - he can't be sure you won't hurt him again. You have to go to extraordinary lengths (for a long time) to PROVE your trustworthiness again. <P>As long as your H remains at home you have a great opportunity to work on your marriage. You've seen a lot of comments about PLAN A, much of it is incorporated into the recovery process.<P>I'm also a conflict avoider and have much difficulty discussing feelings. What worked for me was to write stuff down in letters to my spouse. I wrote, she talked. I had a much easier time talking after the ice was broken by my letters. I still communicate intimate thoughts by email sometimes. It's something that works for me.<P> -- Jeffers

Jeffers... my H complains when I write my thoughts. he cannot understand why I have such a problem talking.. I know that my relationship with him is what led me to that problem. It used to do me no good to tell him how I felt.. he'd just knock me down or tell me I was ridiculous. I "learned" over the years to quell my thoughts. I rarely speak what's on my mind.. even when I consicously try to, I have a hard time... and when it comes to serious discussions, it's almost impossible for me to. My H wants ME to sit down and initiate conversations all the time. Intimate conversations about us and our problems. He never asks questions .. he sits there and waits for me.. and I can't. When I see a "look" on his face, like the A is on his mind again, I just want to run, and I know that's not the right thing to do. It's very difficult.

L:<P>Yes, it is difficult. However, at least you have recognized the problem. So what are you doing to move past this stumbling block?<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

I am a BS, so may not be able to speak to your situation from the perspective of a WS, but I am married to a man who has always had trouble expressing his thoughts. A Conflict Avoider (which I believe is the wrong term. Conflict Delayer is more appropriate.) The trauma from the discovery of his brief affair jolted him into communicating with me. This has apparently not been your case. But it sounds like your husband is specifically telling you what he needs right now. He needs you to speak to your feelings regarding your relationship. And he doesn't want to pull it out of you. I can relate to this. He needs you to do something that is difficult for you, but it is much less difficult than discovering one's mate's infidelity.<P>The fact that he was artless at receiving your communications in the past is irrelevant to the present. You are wanting him to overcome the worst thing a person can feel, other than the loss of a child. In order for him to do this, he needs you to reassure him. Speak to him. Open up to him. If you don't fill in the blanks for him, he will be forced to fill them in himself. And if he is feeling wounded or vulnerable, he may decide things are worse than they are.<P>If you absolutely fear his responses to your comments, start the conversation by asking that he just listen and not say anything for at least ______(fill in the time). This also gives him a chance to form his thoughts and avoid saying things that may not come out the way he wants. And tell him why you are asking for this. Explain your fears.<P>Talk. Talk. Talk. It may be all that will keep you together.

Leighann,<P>STL has hit the nail on the head here. You have to figure out how to talk to him. It may be that your H knows how hard this is for you and wants to see just how serious you are (a test -exactly what MRinaBH said). Sitting silently at least sounds like he is behaving differently than in the past.<P>I understand your fear. After discovering my W's EA I let it continue rather than face her about it. I couldn't do it. It took me a while to get the email idea. But even that wasn't enough. I was pacing in another room one night "conversing" with myself (out loud) and W heard me and confronted me but was unable to get me to utter another word that night. <P>I finally told all on a post here and then I sent her the link. Fortunately she seem to accept written communication. I considered counseling mainly to help me talk, but also to have a referee present, but that hasn't been necessary, yet. You might want to consider joint counseling for those same reasons. Would he be amenable to that? <BR>[I noticed from your other post that you've made an appointment with the Harley's - good move.]<P> --Jeffers<P><p>[This message has been edited by jeffers (edited July 03, 2001).]

Hi Leighann,<P>I would echo what others have said, but I also wanted to add something else. You commented that you have said you are sorry to your H. But, Leighann, what does that mean? People are sorry for many things, more often than not that they got caught, or life didn't turn out as they wanted.<P>Saying, you are sorry is only the beginning. Your H has said what he wants and needs. He is right on two counts. The first is these are he needs. The second is even more important. You quit talking to him and it led you to have an affair. You are not talking to him now, message received by H: It could happen again and I will be caught in this mess again. Further, she doesn't want to open up to me, so I will be blindsided again because she will be unhappy.<P>You must talk with your H about the serious issues. Set some boundaries, guidelines (he must sit and listen until you are finished, no harsh words, anything that you need). But whatever you do you must tell him your feelings and fears. Fears of him, fears for yourself, fears of losing the marriage.<P>Leighann, now is the time to change this marriage and by changing your ability to communicate with H, you may well save your marriage. He will listen to you. You have his attention, he has been deeply hurt and is struggling. I suspect he is hoping you will help him, but to do that you must communicate with him.<P>Well, that is my $0.02<P>God Bless,<P>JL

L:<P>I know this is a bit redundant, but in my post above, I just cited the four rules. Synopsis follows:<P>The rule of honesty: tell them what you feel and why.<P>The rule of protection: protect them from hurtful and disrespectful behavior, provide them an environment to be honest without fear of ridicule or anger.<P>The rule of care: show them in all things you do that you care for them, value them, cherish them.<P>The rule of time: spend time with each other; time devoted totally to one another.<P>These are, of course, my poor, diluted versions. Read Dr. Harley's books for the full-blown, robust descriptions.<P>Combine those four rules with the goal of meeting each other's emotional needs, and WOW what a difference in your relationship. If you haven't already, click on the "Concepts" link at the top of the page. For extra romance-related pizzazz, get Gregory Godek's <I>1001 Ways to be Romantic</I>.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Thank you all for your advice.. If I could just learn what to say and do. We had another two-hour talk today. He said he thinks there is a deep-rooted issue that he can't put his finger on (surprise- I knew that all along).. he couldn't figure out if it was embarrassment, who it was, his ego, or his anger... probably all, I assume. He said that being type A, he needs a REASON for the affair.. and my reasons aren't good enough.. for him, there is none. He said that my deceit was the worst, and I totally understand that. He said he wanted to leave, but knew he was probably fooling himself because he knew he loved me.. but he needed to know. I hope Dr. Harley can tell me what to say to him.