I AM GRATEFUL FOR THE ADVICE I HAVE RECEIVED, BUT I FEEL LOUSY KNOWING HOW YOU ALL FEEL. I FEEL BAD THAT YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH ALL OF THIS. I GUESS WHAT I NEEDED WAS A PLACE TO SAY HEY I AM SORRY. I HAVE DECIDED THAT I WILL JUST FALL BACK INTO OLD PATTERNS- NO NOT ANOTHER A.-BUT DOING WHAT I DID FOR 5 YEARS BEFORE THE A.-I WILL TAKE EVERY EMOTIONAL BLOW AND SWALLOW. I GUESS I DESERVE IT. I AM NOT TRYING TO FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY IDEA-TODAY IS GOOD HE'S NICE BUT TOMORROW WILL BE DIFFERENT-IT ALWAYS HAS BEEN. IT'S NOT FUN TO HAVE A WS-BUT IT'S NOT GREAT TO BE MARRIED TO SOMEONE WHO HIDES THEIR ALCOHOLISM AND WHO TELLS YOU NO ONE COULD EVER POSSIBLY LIKE SOMEONE LIKE YOU. HECK I'VE EVEN BEEN TOLD THAT MY H. WOULD MAKE A BETTER LOOKING WOMAN THAN ME. HIS FAIR PUNISHMENT FOR ME IS IF I BLOW MY BRAINS ALL OVER THE WALL AND GIVE HIM MY SON? FAIR? WHAT IS FAIR? IT'S NOT FAIR FOR EITHER SPOUSE TO BE TREATED BADLY AND A. AREN'T FAIR. S**T I WISH I HAD DONE SOMETHING ABOUT ALL OF THIS LONG BEFORE NOW.

Rainefall--<P>Please seek help. Go to al-anon. Something.<BR>I watched my mother live through 2 alcoholic marriages and it is not pretty. She finally broke free from the last one and it has taken her 3 years to rebuild herself and feel strong enough to make some real life changes.<P>I have often said that marriage is forever and you have to work it until it works out...but I believe that drug addiction, alcoholism, physical and verbal abuse DO NOT have to be tolerated...it is far too damaging to the people in the marriage and the children.<P>SEEK HELP AND SUPPORT FOR YOURSELF. Please.<P>Diva<P>------------------<BR><P><I> Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. </I> <B> Galatians 6:9 </B>

DIVA,<P>THANK YOU FOR THE ADVICE- I HAVE A QUESTION THAT I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN ANSWER BUT MAYBE YOU CAN GIVE ME YOUR OPINION. WHEN EVERYTHING IS GOOD ITS GOOD BUT WHEN ITS BAD HE SAYS HE'S SORRY WE HAD A SON AND THAT HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE A FATHER. I ONLY GOT HIM TO GO TO THERAPY TWICE- HE SAID THERAPY BRAINWASHES YOU AND MAKES YOU WORSE. IF THERE IS HOPE I DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP-TODAY FEELS GOOD-BUT WHAT DO I DO IF TOMORROW DOESN'T? I DON'T WANT TO HAVE ANOTHER ONE NIGHT STAND TO TRY AND ALLEVIATE THE PROBLEM. WE CAN'T TALK- I WROTE HIM A LETTER TELLING HIM AS NICELY AS POSSIBLE THAT MAYBE HE SHOULD GO TO AA? DID I DO THE RIGHT THING?

Rainfall, <P>I’ve been married to an alcoholic for 10 years. He’s never been physically abusive. However he has at times been emotionally abusive. I to have felt at times that I wasn’t worth anything. I’ve shut people out because alcoholism is a secret disease and must be kept hidden at all costs. So therefor I never had friends to turn to. At times I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts. The only thing that has held me back during those times was the worry of who would care for my children. <P>I’m going to repeat the words that my C told me. It’s a disease; there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop it. It’s progressive. The person who is the alcoholic is the only one that can decide to get help. If you force him or threaten him into going it will never work. In most case the alcoholic must hit rock bottom for him to get help. It’s a personal rock bottom, for some it takes loosing their spouse, others being thrown in jail and loosing their license. Some never hit enough that it motivates them to get help. Unfortunately it’s usually not the alcoholic who hits bottom first it’s the co-dependant spouse. Sounds like that where you are at right now. The only thing you can do is learn how to help yourself. Nobody can decide for you whether or not you need to leave him. You can learn to live with and learn to control how his actions make you feel. You can work on yourself, making yourself stronger so that you can make an informed rational decision based on what’s best for yourself and your children if you have any. That’s what al-anon is for. There’s a great book out there designed to help with counter an alcoholic’s emotional abuse. If you do nothing else please read it, it’s very good. It’s called Keeping them Sober. Look up the website by that same name and you will find it. <BR>

Rainefall:<P>As long as his alcohol dependency and mental abuse of you continues, your marriage cannot grow: in fact, it will wither and die, and you along with it.<P>The first step in this case, is to try and get your H the help he needs. First, though, get the help YOU need to pull it off ... check out al-anon.<P>Once that demon is addressed, you will be able to work on other aspects of your marriage.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL<P>As a PS: Please don't use all caps ... (1) it is very hard to read; and (2) it is the Internet equivalent to shouting and we all hear you fine, my eyes aren't deaf yet <smile> ... STL<p>[This message has been edited by SeenTheLight (edited July 03, 2001).]

Rainefall in situations with alcoholism it is doubly important that you protect yourself and work on yourself.<P>Alcoholics will not change until they see a need to change...most often they will have to hit bottom to change and it is terrible to see them take their whole family with them, but they will...<P>You will not be able to reason with him, get him to see he needs to change, appeal to his sense of fairplay...Alcoholism is a disease that you cannot treat on your own.<P>yes, you can suggest he goes to AA, but in my experience it takes a life threatening experience for addicts to really 'see' that they need to change...they often blame their circumstances on their surroundings and the people around them.<P>It is you who needs to get help and support to strengthen yourself to be able to protect yourself and your child.<P>Don't wait until it is too late...my mother has a lot of regrets that she didn't do 'something' sooner.<P>Diva

Thank you for your replies. I hope that anything I might say in the future will affect you all as positively as this forum has done for me. I don't know exactly how I am going to go about this, but I know that I am going to do something. I have decided to do something for my son's sake. I hope that I can send you guys a positive report.

Rainefall:<P>The fact that you have decided to do something is highly encouraging!<P>Prayers with you and your family,<BR>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Dear Rainfall,<P>You do belong here. Don't let all our personal posts on our individual issues scare you off. Know that we are people in pain similar to yours and are here to help and support each other. <P>The A is a type of abuse. Coupled with alcoholism is a double whammy. There are several persons out here familar with various sites and treatment centers that have helped others. <P>If I can find them tonight, I will send their threads to you. BrambleRose on the d/d board visits here sometimes and she has a slew of info on alcoholism. If you search under her user name here and on the d/d board you may beat me to her info. <P>Please don't leave here until you feel strong enough and good enough about yourself. Also, don't take your H's words too personally. That A and alcohol makes them say and do stupid things. If he does mean it then he needs to leave. Remember he chose to be married also, what does that say about him? Hm....... Don't be too hard on yourself. Vent here. <P>If you like to read a lot, there are many stories. Some make you laugh (yea, there are humorus posts here) and others make you cry. A few make you angry but that is part of the healing process. <P>So please post along with us. <P>L.<BR>

Orchid,<P>I have to clarify that I was the one that had the A. That is why I felt like I didn't belong here. I hate even saying that I did something like that. I can't even believe it myself most of the time. It was like I was a totally different person. It was this one time thing that I regret more than anything. I don't know what to do about any of this. He was being nice earlier and now he says that all he is going to do is get drunk every night. I told him if he didn't want to be with me that was fine-but he was still a father. He said he didn't want to be a father right now. Does having a WS really make you feel like you can't be a parent to your child? I am at a loss- I told him we could go to counseling and he said that would work if it changed me but there isn't anything wrong with him. I feel the same as I did 5 years ago when the day after we got married he told me he didn't want to marry me. Sorry that you were misled about the A. I think it made it worse for him, but he says nothing has ever been wrong until just now. I don't even feel like I have a right to say "me or the drink" anymore. Besides I have said that several other times and twice he left me.

Rainefall:<P>This forum exists for wayward spouses, too. You are half the equation in rebuilding the marriage, and thus have just as much right to be here as the other half (betrayed spouses). I knew that you were the WS when I responded.<P>But I would again point out: working on the marriage will not succeed if the alcoholism isn't dealt with first (or at least with equal vigor).<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Dear Rainefall,<P>Are you interesting in rebuilding your marriage? Willing to try the concepts taught here? Willing to here our suggestions and support? If yes to any of these questions, you are welcome here. Your H is also, when he is ready. <P>In the meantime, the previous suggestions still stand. My offer of looking up info is still open. <P>It is actually good to hear of someone who may have done wrong in the past willing to work on making it better. It gives us hope for those of us whose WSs are still out there trying to find something or someone or themselves or whatever. <P>L. <BR>

Rainefall, <P>I wanted you to know that I have posted under multiple names because OW has been on this board reading my posts and possibly 'messing' with me.<P>I want to encourage you and know that you can post to me either as Diva or StrongerInCali or my new identity,<P>JustPlainCali<P>You and your son are in my prayers.

Hi Rainefall,<P>Here are those threads on alcoholism that I found:<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009328.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009328.html</A> <P>Hope this helps. BrambleRose and others more experienced on this subject may be able to help. In the meantime, please take care of yourself. I believe that thread also have info on how to deal with alcoholism for the family. <P>L.<BR>

I am going to Al-Anon next week. I am a little nervous because I know that my H. will find out and he says he doesn't have an alcohol problem because he doesn't drink all of the time. Can someone help me clarify this? He drinks and drives-he got a DUI five years ago. He drinks while at work. The only reason he drinks is to sit in the dark and become depressed. I assume that because it interferes with his son and I that he has a problem. His father is an alcoholic also-who says he doesn't have a problem. I don't know maybe he's not but the way I look at it when it's a part of your life enough for you to feel the affects-that's when it's a problem, right.

Many alcoholics NEVER admit to having a problem...my mother denied it for years....it took her DUI to figure it out...<P>Your husband sounds like a tough case...al-anon should help you with this...it is not meant to help him...<P>Also, don't worry that H does not like you going...it is part of the co-dependency thing...he will see you getting stronger and better and will not like it...it will be a threat to his present world...<P>You are doing this for YOU...al-anon will have more and better advice for you.<P><BR>Cali (aka: Diva)<p>[This message has been edited by JustPlainCali (edited July 05, 2001).]

R:<P>Having had an exW and daughter who are alcoholic, I can attest to the denial they exhibit.<P>Al-anon is for you ... if they ever get to that point, there is AA and other programs for them. So, by all means, make the Al-anon meeting.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Thank you for your support. I read others posts about the horrible things there experiencing and I feel like a real s**t. I talked to my H. mother about his drinking. She doesn't think he has a problem, so I guess I'll let it go. You know what. I'm tired of it. Yes, I had an affair, but I am soo tired. We have fought at least 3-4 times a week since a year before getting married. He didn't even want to marry me. He told me on our second day of being married. I love him, but I know he will never forgive me and my chest hurts again and all I want is peace.