My wife has had an EA with a gay man for over three years. We're both in individual counselling, and many of the behaviors that were most upsetting me have ended (giving cards, baking, little gifts, etc.), but there are a lot of days she comes home upset because "he won't open up to her" or he didn't tell her something she thought he should have. There is virtually no chance it will go PA. She says she's working at making it just a friendship, and she "knows what I want" but "isn't willing" to end the friendship. I've been on plan A for about a month, and a halfway plan A before I knew what it was. She says she doesn't feel anything for me, good or bad, even though she's paying better attention to our relationship lately. She's already talked about leaving next summer when our son graduates HS, even though she can't identify a single thing that I'm doing to drive her away or anything particularly bad about being married.<P>My question is, assuming she's really trying to make it just a friendship, how rigid should I be about asking for no contact with GM during plan A? And assuming after 6 or 8 months plan A doesn't work, does plan B typically succeed if the WS is already intending to leave?<P>SaltWater

Salty - first of all, what the heck is your and her counselor telling you guys? If her counselor hasn't specified "no contact", why not? She may need a different counselor. If her counselor HAS specified no contact, you may have no choice but to state your position and then keep doing Plan A while keeping the counselor informed.<P>Her intentions to leave may change long before next summer if the counseling and Plan A work well. Plan B may not be practical until she leaves. Hopefully, you won't need it. It's futile to try to predict timeframes.<P>WAT

Salty- the fact that she wont end their 'friendship' just goes to show its an addiction for her. Very dangerous to your marriage- you cant even begin to work on things till she quits pouring her guts out to him! An emotional affair is the most dangerous type to marriages. ( Believe me I know!) Do whatever is necessary to get her to quit seeing him. Why wait any longer? also make any changes in yourself that you think would make yourself more appealing to her and dont be clingy/desperate- THAT doesnt work trust me. Take care- lifeismessy

Wow, Salt Water - your posts are the first ones I've read (besides mine) in which a spouse is having/had an EA with a gay person. <P>Your W has said she wants out of the marriage by next year. Obviously something is going on in her head that she is not willing to share with you, hence the lack of explanations or reasons for her ultimate plan. She clearly seems to be on the road to being "on her own" after 20 years of marriage and after your son graduates. I hope she can find it in herself to share with you what she is thinking and planning. I would be extremely frustrated myself and have the same questions you have re: Plan A and B, if my H were openly planning to leave. <P>Just curious, have you tried joint counseling in addition to individual counseling? I concur with the no-contact rule. You have every right to let her know what your feelings are about her continued contact, given her past behavior with her friend.<P>In case you might be interested, my situation with H and his EA with lesbian co-worker is, briefly: H and I have known each other for 4.5 years, married for 2.5. When we first met he was "just getting over" a long-term (5+ years) EA with this lesbian co-worker, and was coming to terms with the fact that she would never reciprocate his intense romantic feelings for her. He had previously put up a webpage in her honor full of romantic and gushing tributes to her, was collecting numerous memorabilia from their friendship (I know what you mean about the little gifts, they continued to be frequent and annoying the heck out of me too!). He had basically vowed to her to be there for her (emotionally, financially, or otherwise) whenever she might need him. She seemed to lean on him quite a bit while we were dating, but that stopped shortly after we were married (no more weekly or bi-weekly dinners with her, staying late to help her with her computer, community volunteering, athletic events together, etc. etc.)<P>From what I was able to discern, and by the fact that he has kept a lot of "memorabilia" of her hidden away in different parts of the house/car, he has continued to have strong feelings for her even after our marriage. I think he idealized her, and possibly like your W, "chose" her because she was physically unattainable and therefore "safe" to yearn for. <P><BR>

Lifeismessy,<BR>When you say, "Do whatever is necessary to get her to quit seeing him," what did you have in mind? What are my options? They work at the same office, though not together, and most of their contact is through email (which I haven't seen and have no access to) and during lunches together. He won't go out with her, and he's usually firm that he wants work life and private life kept separate for him. That's the one hopeful point for me.<P>CinDrLa, <BR>I'm sure she picked a GM (both times) because in her mind if it isn't a PA it isn't an A, therefore he's "safe." We've had a total of three sessions together with my counsellor, but she was very upset by the last time. Upset by what she won't or can't say. Her counsellor says, "We'll get to that," and pushes forward with her "family of origin" issues. That's fine, she has some, as do I. She is such a perfectionist even the things she does extremely well aren't good enough. In the meantime I plan A and wait? Tough, but ok.

Aside from continued plan A, what more can I do to encourage my WW to make a decision for no contact?