My W has been in a EA with a OM at her work for the past 3 months. I found out about it a month and a half ago. Soon after I tried talking about giving us a chance but it's always the same. We would talk/argue for hours with nothing resolved. She says she does not know if she wants to try to resolve. <P>For the past three weeks I have been using Step A. We still sleep in the same bed, she comes home from her job at the regular time and we attend to our children. Each week gets tougher and tougher. I try to meet her EN's and have not brought up the situation, but she's hot or cold. Each day is different. Weekends are tough. I could have a few good day then back to being tough again. <P>I had a talk with her last week about what's on her mind and she said nothing has changed about the way she feels about me. She said that she does not talk to the OM any more unless it's work related, but she lied before and is most likely lying again. She does not know what she wants. She hinted at "divorce" awhile back, but nothing since. Again I am new here and still learning. How long should I last with Plan A?<P>Thanks for all your help.

Hi Dino - you've come to the right place.<P>Do you think you understand Plan A?<P>Have you read "Surviving An Affair" and "His Needs/Her Needs"? These are must-read for starters.<P>You stay with Plan A until 1) you've made improvements in yourself AND you've demonstrated those improvements and 2) you're close to having your love bank drained or 3) your spouse ends all contact with her OM. Of course this can vary widely from situation to situation. There is no predicted time.<P>Come back with Plan A questions. Good Luck.<P>WAT

Hi!! WAT had some great info for you.<P>If it is at all possible, share this site with your wife, tell her your feelings and how you would like to start counseling with the Harley's (assuming you do and can afford it).<P>You canNOT educate her and you MUST not believe most of the things she says. She is a fog right now and can and will say things that will completely ROCK your world. We call this "alien abduction" or "moose brain worms" here on this site. You must learn to take everything she says with a grain of salt.<P>Don't harass her about it, but if she does agree to work on your marriage. No contact is key and she will start feeling withdrawal symptoms. Post here and get advice on how to deal with these things. It is VERY tough and emotionally stressful for both of you.<P>Through it all, stop the LBing and keep up plan A. No matter what. If you have to vent - do it here!!

Welcome, you've come to the right place.<P>Ditto what WAT said, and also read love busters. DO not try and educate unles she asks. I did and it cost me months of recovery, they see it is condesending and they are right.<P>Hot and cold is normal, Plan A and she will get hott more often, don't get frustrated and be patient and pace yourself, there are no real time lines for recovery. <BR>Good Luck.<P>JK

Dino:<P>Welcome to MarriageBuilders; we are all glad you found us (and, as always, we regret the circumstances).<P>What you are going through is both common and unique. The way WS (wayward spouses) react almost follows a predictable pattern ... we can help you with that (the fog, in MBese); but it is also unique, because it is happening to you.<P>If you haven't already, take the time to read the basics (click the "Concepts" link at the top of the page) ... that will do until you get your copy of <I>Surviving an Affair</I> and <I>His Needs, Her Needs</I>.<P>This forum is for you: to get support, input and explore ideas, or just plain vent; as a community, we help one another.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Thanks for your help. For the past three weeks I have been pretty cool with my W until today. <BR>I was getting some money from my W's wallet (I asked her if I could), while I was getting the money, there was a few pieces of newspaper sticking out of her compartment. I pulled it out and it was a "Love Is" cutout and a verse to a song. Both were about finding new love and how it grows.<BR>I was hurt. I know I should not have but I confronted her about this and she said that she had cut it out for herself. I guess it does not matter if OM gave the cutouts to her or not. <BR>I walked out and went to work. Being new here, I probably should not have confronted her on this, but it hurts like hell. Any advise on what I should do now? <P>I have one last question. By reading the coments below (Thanks for replying), you suggest that I should not confront her no more about the situation. Just give her EN's and let her think about the situation?<P>Thanks<P><BR>

Dino:<P>I think confrontation can be bad... Concentrating on being the best that you can be for yourself, and her, is the way. Plan A is about you AND her. The idea is to give her good reasons to not move farther away from you. Positive, perceptible changes are a good way to accomplish this.<P>-zen

It is really hard isn't it. Sometimes it feels as if they are realizing what they have done and then the next day you feel like you have jumped back two steps. My wife is similar acting as yours. I thought she had cut down a lot on the phone calls to OM but found that she probably hasn't. She is just more careful. I don't know. Earlier when I suspected something, I couldn't hold it in and confronted her at the most inopportune time. That was not good! Then I started praying like never before and asked God what to do. He started by creating a situation where OM and my wife both worked. For some unexplained reason, OM was let go. That was at the beginning of June. Its been about three weeks now. I think my wife is in withdrawal or something so it is still not great but hopefully with the support of people on this forum, and prayer, things may turn around. I might suggest doing little things for her that let her know you still care and not try to push. It is really hard, but I am sure you can do it.<P>Good luck,<BR>golfer<BR>

Let me ask this question. I know I must try step A and all, but Is there any chance with my W to get out of the fog and find her way back to me, even thought she still works with the OM and continues to work with him in the same department? I asked her awhile back if the OM had feeling for her, and she never gave me a answer. I can't see how they can work together and for us to have a shot. Am I wrong?<P>Dino09

Dino, I'm going through the same thing exactly, except that my wife's OM is gay (therefore safe from PA in her mind) and isn't interested in anything beyond a work friendship. She is and keeps after him, but they remain friends. Today is bad for me, nonetheless I'm holding on and praying through the tears (which I won't let her see, yet). I do Plan A as best as I can and hope and pray for a major breakthrough today when she has her session with her counsellor. <P>SaltWater