Just a few thoughts (for no reason really)...<P>Nicole and the children are gone (have been since yesterday). They will be gone for at least a week. <BR>Nicole will be looking for work in the city they're visiting, at the same time. <P>I am getting only a brief glimpse of what it's going to be like for me, after I am not here. I can't say what I am really feeling, just a different place than I thought I'd be at this point.<BR> There are many things I regret about these past two years, some will haunt me forever. "How is it that I came to this place?", I often ask myself. I'm not sure if it's the choices that I've made affecting events in my life, or if it's events in my life affecting the choices I've made. Does that make any sense? <BR>I know that people cope with separation and divorce on a daily basis. Heck, in my life I have experienced it seven times. Each time a very different scenario. Each time just as painful as the next. What I learned from each one, I had thought I stored in the file marked "Things not to do in your marriage". Apparently I had placed them in "Monkey see, monkey do". <BR>The only thing that I am sure that this episode is going to teach me, is that I must change the things I do, and the way that I respond to my own feelings. As I have posted to many folks on this site, all decisions about life are ultimately up to me. Good or bad, once made, I must deal with the consequences. <BR>There are several consequences that I must deal with. On one hand, I must deal with what I have done to my relationship with Nicole. One the other hand I must also deal with what has been done to my OW's life, and her relationship. So many different lives are affected by that one choice I made. <BR>In all honesty, I often wonder what my life would be like with OW. I also wonder where my life would be if I had not had the affair. <P>Was the affair really the cause of our failing marriage? Was there more trouble than we acknowledged?<BR> I already know, that my personal "demons", and my unwillingness to face them, have been major factors.<P>Very recently, I had an experience that floored me. Without going into detail, it was a huge eye opener. The result was me receiving a letter that explained how much pain I can cause, without thinking. It helped me see how my actions affect other people. I have the utmost respect for the person on the other end of that eye opener, (<I>you know who you are, and I know you're reading this</I>). They are truly a much better person than I. <P> With this brief time alone...I am preparing myself for a transformation that must come. Without this transformation, I will not succeed in any relationship. Like I've said before, I do not know where I will end up, or who will be with me when I arrive there(<I>if anyone</I>). I do know, that when I get there, <I>I will be a much happier, healthier me</I>.<P>Hope I haven't bored any of you with these thoughts. I needed to write what was going through my mind. Lots of jumbled thoughts and feelings. If I may, more will come with time. <P>A last note, to my dear "e-mail friend"...thank you for making it easier for me to be open about what's inside, and helping me see that it's okay to talk. Still waiting for your next chapter, by the way.<P>Arik
