My wife has admitted an emotional affair with her former employer which has been on-going for over a year. I discovered it through cell phone records this spring and then subsequently discovered her car in his driveway on several occasions. Her response was to lie about everything at first, then she said it was "over" between them and that it was never sexual (although the OM had wanted it to be sexual). Our sex life has been non-existent for about 9 months. She was planning to leave me in April, then changed her mind after our son (20) attempted suicide. She says she is staying here for everyone except herself. She would like to be "free, independent, and unaccountable". We have two other children (16 and 14). Recently, I intercepted a phone conversation between my wife and the OM and she ended with "I love you babe" (an expression of endearment that I thought the two of us used exclusively for each other). I also found a poem she e-mailed to him where she wrote "My love, you are more than a friend". She claims that if I touch her in a sexual way, or even kiss her, that she is repulsed. She claims to have no sexual desire what-so-ever for anyone. My question is this: Does her behavior indicate that this "emotional" affair has become more than she admits? Has it become sexual? Is she just waiting for a better opportunity to leave? She claims that she would never leave me for him. The phone interactions between them have slackened off to about every 3 or 4 days (from a high of several times a day). I am having a difficult time enduring all of this. There is no intimacy between us. We hold hands and go out to eat, church, etc., but she refuses to talk about anything significant. Occasionally we still say "I love you". I don't think her mind is made up yet because she still talks about "us" moving to Florida. She is 46 and, I believe, is going through some type of mid-life crisis. She is now seeing an individual counselor, which seems to be helping some. I have tried to be supportive, consoling, a good friend,etc. What more can I do? Please, will a female shed some perspective on this?

Chazzy - it doesn't take a female to see what's happening.<P>"Does her behavior indicate that this "emotional" affair has become more than she admits? Has it become sexual? Is she just waiting for a better opportunity to leave?"<P>It doesn't really matter if it's become sexual or not - except in your emotions. Assume that it has. Also assume that she's lying about everything.<P>Your description of her is very typical, whether the cause is associated with MLC or not.<P>You are fortunate to find this site before you act - which means before you have a chance to make it worse.<P>I'll offer you what I call WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses. Think of it sorta like First Aid - not the answers, just something to help in the initial confusion.<P>This fills a void I think that exists for guidance in the early stages of an affair when most are caught off guard and feel hopeless. This comes from my personal experience and from the descriptions of many other betrayed spouses I have read about here for many months. I believe this to be consistent with MB principles, but I acknowledge I am an amateur and no one should act on this advice alone.<P>WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses<P>Rule 1: Don't try to make sense out of what's happening. You are not dealing with rational people, so your normal thought processes won't work. This is exactly why you're confused. If you can do it calmly, confront your spouse with any solid evidence you have of the affair, but expect denials and lies beyond belief.<P>Rule 2: Don't be in a hurry. There is little, if anything, you can do to separate the affairees. They have to do this own their own. The affair will end. To hasten it's end, do not interfere with it.<P>Rule 3: All snooping is good and necessary - but be ready for an ANGRY reaction if your snooping is detected. Refer to Rule 1.<P>Rule 4: Don't beat yourself up for "causing" the affair. You are partly responsible for creating the environment which made the affair possible, and you need to examine yourself critically to see what changes you need to make, but you are NOT responsible for your spouse's decision to have an affair.<P>Rule 5: This will likely be the worst experience of your life. You are a prime candidate for depression, so see a doctor if you feel like you're having difficulty coping. You may need anti-depressants. You are also a prime candidate for your own affair. DON'T DO IT!<P>Rule 6: Your spouse will act as if he/she has been abducted by aliens and had their brains scrambled. Just watch and don't take any of this personally. Again, refer to Rule 1.<P>Rule 7: Do not expect too much from the wayward spouse even if they have already ended the affair. It may feel like you are the only one who is trying to save the marriage. You are not a doormat, just a loving, faithful spouse. <P>Rule 8: You will be told by well intending "advisors" to "Throw him/her out!!!" or, "Say good bye and don't look back!!" Instead of following this advice, learn everything you can from books, websites (like Marriagebuilders.com), and counselors about the ways to find the silver lining in this cloud. Seek advice as soon as possible.<P>WAT

Dear WAT,<BR>Thank you very much for this invaluable lifeline of advice. I shall do my utmost to heed your words of wisdom. I would like to keep you posted on future developements. Again, thank you very much! God bless you! Chazzy58

Chazzy - anything for a fellow sailor. Keep posting and asking questions - there are many here who will help. <P>Now get hot and learn about Plan A if you haven't already. Have you read "Surviving An Affair", "His Needs/Her Needs"?<P>There are many books out there to help guide you. The two I mentioned apply the MB principles, but there are many common characteristics. SAA is one of the few that helps dealing with an on-going affair, as opposed to one that has already died.<P>Good Luck,<BR>WAT

Yes it is physical (am male, but have some experience with ws's).....But follow all the advice you will get here.