After 4 days of being undecided something finally happened yesterday to make my H decide to leave.<BR>I got a call from OW's H telling me that he had moved out over the weekend because the she had confessed that her and my H were still seeing each other. My H actually stopped by her apartment on his way to work yesterday.<BR>I called H at work asking what time he would be home and unfortunately lost my temper....asking him if he went straight to work and telling him not to lie to me because I know that he didn't. He denied it over and over and said we'd talk about it when he got home.<BR>He got home and I didn't even get 2 sentences in and he said.....I'm sick of it....I'm leaving. I'm tired of being accused of something I'm not doing.<BR>Only thing is....I know he's doing it. He just won't admit it.<BR>He told me that he was sick of me.....told our oldest daughter he tried everything he could....but couldn't say exactly what he tried....told her that he loved her and would do anything for her but he couldn't live with her mother.<BR>We were all crying at this point.....and when he went to walk out the door I said....I love you H.....and he said.....yeah right....thanks.<BR>I followed him out the door and asked why he said that and he tried to make it look like it was all my fault. Telling me I was constantly trying to catch him lying and constantly calling him at work accusing him of things.<P>So.....where to go from here.....I know that the relationship with the OW is back on......in secret right now....but it will come out eventually. It started again about 2 1/2 weeks after he came home.<BR>How do I go about letting him know that I still love him and still want us to be a family when he is so angry at me....and I don't know why?<P>Our youngest daughter watched him leave through her bedroom window and after he drove away she sat in there screaming for her daddy to come back.....and for about an hour after that all she kept saying was I want my daddy......give me my daddy back. Our oldest just closed in on herself....not talking....but crying and our middle one just didn't know what to do.<BR>When will he wake up and see what he is losing....or will he ever wake up?<BR>Now I know why his feelings started coming back and then stopped......he couldn't get away from the OW and obviously doesn't want to.<BR>I'm at a loss here.....I have always been a STAHM....I have no skills....there are no jobs available here and my middle daughter is going to start procedures for her eye surgery in 3 weeks. What a mess.

The first day is the hardest...there is so much pain and so much unknown...<P>Do something for yourself and your daughters...<P>Take a long soak in the tub and let your tears flow for a while.<P>Write down how you're feeling right now. How do you expect to feel tomorrow.<P>Read something.<P>Cook something.<P>My H just left on Sunday...each day is easier<P><BR>[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[Hugs]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]<P>Cali

MP:<P>Thoughts and prayers with you and your family.<P>One day at a time, one step at a time.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

It's actually a little easier this time since this is the 3rd time he's left..(he's never been gone longer than 6 days though)<BR>We plan to go to his parents....who are not talking to him right now....for dinner and then we will take the girls to see fireworks later if it doesn't rain.<P>I'm just wondering.....is it just time to give up on my marriage?

MP:<P>It is only time to give up on your marriage when you cannot go down that path anymore. So only you can answer that question, ultimately.<P>We are here to offer insights, advice, a shoulder for support and an ear to vent on. The MB principles will give you the tools to be a better MP, no matter what the ultimate outcome is.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Dear Miss Priss,<P>Crisis here. Here are some suggestions. <P>For you: I want YOU to know that you are the lighthouse of your family (that was just told to me by a special freind here at MB for which I am eternally grateful because I sure didn't feel like anything strong and stable right now). Your H has left but you need to concentrate on making you feel better. Here goes: right hand on left shoulder, left hand on right shoulder and squeeze both hands. <P>This is a cyber hug from all of us to you. Temporary for now but we will work on suggestions for permanent solutions later. Right now step back. Don't make any major life changing decisions now. There will be time to do that tomorrow. Post here today when you can and want to. <P>2. For your children. Encourage them to put their thoughts and feelings down on paper. Let them send a letter to their dad. Give them lots of hugs. There strong feelings will come and go. Events, memories, different things will trigger them also. Know this and be prepared. <P>3. For your H: Know that he is thinking about his actions and may return to talk. This talk may be with anger. Be prepared a bit so you can know how to react. Don't be mad at yourself if you lose it. Let him know that he is not the only one that can get angry in this situation. Then step back and watch. One of the hardest things to do. If he goes, let him go. Watch and let him know you are watching. He is testing you and may want to provoke you. Know this and plan for it. <P>Let your H know that you can talk when it will be a constructive one. Angry words don't help and emotions are running at an all time high. If he says he is happy, then let him show that to you. It is hard to smile and be angry at the same time. Same muscles can't go in 2 different directions. Though fogheads try it, it doesn't work. In fact it looks a bit funny. <P>I wiil be in today. If you need to e-mail me, I am at: lhmekm@yahoo.com. We can chat there or I can give you my number. If you have someone you can talk with it may be good for you. <P>Please take care, <BR>L.<BR>

Geez, what a mess. I can't tell you what to do exactly, but I can tell you why he acted this way. We (ws) know what we should do (make an effort to fix things), but are scared it will not get better, and we will be emotionally trapped. This is a feeling, and it wars with our sense of responsibility. If left alone and plan A'd the greatest likelihood of responsible behaviour will occur. But when we are confronted the emotions take over, it makes no difference you were right, and justifiably angry, he knows that too, but you triggered his fight or flight response, and since he can't fight, he ran, you literally ran him out the door (I have almost done this a number of times, and it is always when I am being emotionally attacked). You should not have challenged his "facts", simply letting him know in a non-confronting way would have sufficed. Saying he is sick of you (been there done that too, didn't mean it) is a means to emotionally distance/defend himself. But all is not lost....<P>It may not work, but here is my suggestion. Contact him as soon as possible, apologize for your behaviour (anger accusations), and spying on him. My wife has accused me of stuff too, sometimes she is right, sometimes she is not. The danger is when you are wrong, you generate hostility, and when you are right you generate guilt, you lose both ways, is not worth doing.<P>Right now he is feeling incredibly guilty, and angry, angry you precipitated a confrontation in front of kids. It would be helpful to tell him you are sorry for that too. And that in the future you will work with him to keep the kids out of the mess. If you haven't done so, read all the Harley books, and stuff here, listen to all the good advice you will recieve at this point, and don't give up. Remember you have no control over his actions, but you do your actions, focus there. If financial issues are critical, contact someone who can give you legal advice (he has abandoned you at this point), and social service type organizations, churches, etc. I know it feels paralyzing and hopeless, but you can take useful actions. You might want to write down what you want to say to H, even if you tell him verbally, can still give him the letter, and it will help you organize your thoughts. Good luck.