I'm sorry. I guess I played "strong" long enough. I've been reading here for 7 weeks since my H left and had an A. I haven't posted much, but if you've read my posts, I am trying to be very strong and put my faith in God. I'm trying to forgive him - I thought I had - so I can get this anger and bitterness out of my heart. I am trying to do Plan A, although I screw up every now and then and find myself almost in begging mode, blaming him, trying to convince him how wrong he was and make him feel sorry for what he did and make him come home and fix what he did. I'm trying to work on myself - lose weight, more self-discipline, reading, housework, etc. But, I'm up and down about every hour. ughhh... I know from reading your posts that this is normal, and I should keep on my Plan A. But I just need to vent. I write in a journal, but it doesn't write anything encouraging back. And here, I know that live human beings that are going through the same crap are reading. <P>I miss him soooo much. It hurts sooooo bad. I miss him physically and emotionally. Inresponse to another poll... yes I would take him back whenever he's ready. No kids. Lonely at home. I can't believe after all the promises he's made to me over the years of always being there for me, he's gone, and doesn't seem to care about my pain at all. He says he's forgiven me for my mistakes, and he says he's not seeking revenge - to hurt me now for all the times "I hurt him". But every conversation leads back to him blaming me for expecting too much from him,never being satisfied with him, my weight, (which he's overweight too - double-standard), and he could never be in love with me again. I just want him to wake up out of his fog and selfishness and come home. <P>I know all the right things to be doing - I think - from reading here and other books, but it still hurts so bad. I want him back. I want to love him the way I should, and I want him to learn how to love me the way he should. We had the best times together - we supported each other and believed in each other. I expected to be together forever. Marriage is supposed to be about loving someone in spite of their faults. Staying with them in spite of their faults. Why doesn't he see it that way?<P>Thank you for letting me vent. I don't feel better. It still hurts. But maybe venting will help these negative emotions rolling around in my head dwindle ever so slightly.<P>Any words of wisdom?<BR><P>------------------<BR>Faith1

Say what you're saying to us and not to him....<P>Keep working on yourself and moving forward....<P>In all that I have read, it is when the BS shows signs of moving onward without WS, that BS becomes 'attractive' again to WS.<P>Also, is the A over? While WS is still in relationship with OP, they are still in "FOG." <P>Keep posting...it sounds like you are doing your level best--look out for LB's.<P>Cali<P>

Hi Faith,<P>Knowledge is the beginning, wisdom is the application of knowledge. You said you know what you should do. Also you have a right to vent and be frustrated. Why? Because you don't have full control over the situation and though you know what should be done, you are not empowered to make it happen. In fact, you are forced to watch and view all this ugly mess open up right in front of you. <P>Some will envy you for dealing with this without children. Others will say children are their support. Both ways are hard. You are not alone in this. You are however, in the early stages of this whole mess. Recovery for you is still ahead. Like the flu, this stuff has to run it's course. There is no medicine that can hurry it up. Just help eleviate the pain a bit and help you cope. To be honest, the next 3 months will be hard. No matter how strong you are now or will be. Face this fact and you can be prepared. Be prepared for the worse and you will be able to wade through the muck and mire of this whole thing before it is over. <P>Here is what helped me. If I got a dollar for each time I shared this post, I could buy a nice outfit!!! But the credit goes to those who posted to me and it was a life saver. I would like to share with you the 5 stages of grieving:<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html</A> <P>Vent all you need, find what is therapeutic for your soul. Mine is writing. I keep a journal and post here. There are friends that I e-mail and speak to. Find your personal relief and use it. Just make sure it is legal and safe. <BR> <BR>Take care <P>L.<P>

thank you both. I'm sitting here crying because of your support and caring. My friends and family just want me to get over it and give up. <P>I know an EA still exists with the OW. He says it's not a PA. But who knows. He is a good liar.<P>It scares me to think that this could last for 3 months - or 6 months or longer. I don't think I can go that long. <P>We are seeing a very good counselor, but he was on vacation and it's been two weeks - one reason for my frustration right now.<P>I definitly need to watch LB's. it's so hard when I feel justified to be angry! I did very good in our last conversation - perfect, as a matter of fact. Can enough of the good plan A conversations make up for a few LB conversations? I believe they can - maybe hoping anyway. He said once we was going to file for D - 3 weeks ago. I think he was just saying that. I hate not knowing what is in his head and what his motives are! I know, fog fog fog. <P>I shutter to think where I would be without MB. It's been wonderful.<P>Thanks Orchid for cautioning me to be prepared. I try to keep myself grounded all the time. He could send me D papers anytime, or come home crying and remorseful anytime, or this could drag on for a while.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Faith1

<B>I'm trying to forgive him</B><BR>Forgiveness isn’t something you just do. Either your spouse will “earn” it through his actions or after a time, you will not let his actions bother you & you will put it behind you, as in after a divorce. No sense in letting it eat you up all your life.<P><B>I know all the right things to be doing</B><BR>Doesn’t mean he will ever accept or want you to do any of them. But if it is right, then keep doing it.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Go outside tonight when everyone is shooting off fireworks and scream with me:<P>THIS SUCKS ROCKS! (I'm not sure why, but I like this saying!)<P><BR>The only other thing that I would suggest is that if you can give your H over to a higher power...take him out of your control...you will start to feel a sense of peace. Oh, the pain is still there, just not as intense.<P>

Orchid,<P>You'd get at least $5 from me. I swear, everytime you post it, I go and read it again. Thanks.<P> -- Jeffers<BR>

I owe you $1 Orchid! And as I re-read it, my tab will run up. Thank you!<P>Cali, yes. I have been trying to give my H to GOd. It's s hard for me to give up - I like to fix things myself. But boy, yesterday morning, I really feel like I released it all - then I had a good day at work, and then the perfect Plan A phone conversation. I have to keep giving him away every day, or I will still worry and try to figure out how to fix it myself. Something I am trying to work on myself - giving up the feeling that I have to "fix" everything!<P>Thank you all. Your encouragement and advice really helps. Going to a family 4th party. Ugh I have to face all their questions - how's H? Where is he? Some of them know about our trouble - some don't. Or maybe they all know by now, knowing how they share info.... hope I don't start boo-hooing.<P>This mountain is gonna move, but in the meantime, I'm climbing!<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<p>[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited July 04, 2001).]

Faith1:<P>Vent here, Plan A there. Works for us, works for you.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL