This is the first time I have posted anything on this site. I am seeing so much help and support that I am hoping maybe there will be something that I too can take away.<BR> A brief history, I am a WS. My wife and I have been married for going on three years and it has been a tough road. For most of our marriage, she has been in a depression, has had little self esteem and basically, because of that had been driving me away. I haven't made things easy either. Constantly trying to find the wife that I married and not going about it in a very constructive way. We moved to another state a year ago due to my job. I thought this would help, it did not. Over time, a co-worker began filling many of the emotional needs that I was craving. In February, I fell into a physical affair that had been only emotional for some time. During a trial separation, she's living with her family, I confessed this to my wife. Now divorce seems to be her only focus. I have done all of the things that are set forth in Surviving An Affair. Ended the affair, sent a letter to the OW and declared my intention. I honestly love my wife with all of my heart and will do anything to reconcile with her. I will give up my career, move back to our home state, anything. She is in an extreme state of anger, twisting the knife, if you will, at every chance. Telephone conversations quickly take on a negative tone, regardless of what I say. She very much wants to show me how independant she is, she just bought a new car without me. She has not filed for divorce, but constantly tells me that she feels it is her only option. That perhaps, if I really love her, that after a divorce, if I keep trying that we might be together. She has no intention of moving back, at least not for a long time. <BR> I guess my question is, what do I do now? How long can I expect this anger to continue, and is it after the anger that the true healing begins? <BR> Regardless of what happens, I always tell her that I love her, am praying for her and believe that our marriage can and will be reconciled, she just tells me not to get my hopes up. And that she just wants to experiment, spread her wings and see what else is out there...ouch!<BR> Any advice?

Hi MH,<P>You are here at Marriage Builders. The basic concepts put together by Dr Harley has as it's basic purpose restoration of the marriage. <P>Here is a post that we share with all newcomners:<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009007.html]" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009007.html]</A> <P><BR>Now as to your situation. Your wife may be suffering from a depressive disorder. Has she been to a doctor? Bi-polar disorders or similar is devasting to the patient and their families. Please get your wife help ASAP. Your physician should be able to make a recommendation. <P>Now here at MB Steve Harley and Jennifer offer a phone counseling service that may be beneficial for both of you or even you alone. <P>Please read the info here and if possible take the emtional needs questionnaire. Let your wife know that there are many women here whose Hs are Ws's. I am the BS and my H is the WS. I wish my H was as quick to fix his situation on his own as you have indicated. Your wife might learn a lot by reading here. We often think we have the worst situation. Reading other experiences, I have learned to handle my situation and not give up hope. At times it has been difficult but the support here encourages me not to give up. <P>Here is another post it is about Bi-polar disorders and some associated sites:<P>[url}http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009763.html[/url]<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008302.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008302.html</A> <P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/007963.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/007963.html</A> <P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/007963.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/007963.html</A> <P>Now to address the anger and rage, here is another thread called the 5 stages of grieving:<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html</A> <P>I know this is a lot of reading. I hope the info is helpful. I hope you and your wife can work on your recovery. Your marriage may require effort but does not seem hopeless, please let your wife know. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited July 04, 2001).]

MH<P>If your wife is anything like me, this has devastated her. Actually, I don't think the word devastated, really explains it.<P>Give her the space and time that she needs right now. Let her know that you love her without smothering her.<P>Try not to get discouraged it will take time.