Seems like things have gone from bad to worse. My H talked to Dr. Harley June 28, 2001. He agreed to start a plan. That night my H said he wanted to get some one-on-one counseling, he said Dr. Harley has some good points but he wanted one-on-one counseling. Take one day at a time. He said he wasn't making ny promises though. He even agreed to have the "third" OW person out of the picture while we were doing this. Then Friday, June 29 the OW called our friend asking why he is trying to take my H away from her by saying things about her. He told her because my H is a MARRIED MAN. June 29 I thought I was getting somewhat through to my H. Saturday, June 30 I hit was at my lowest, I thought I hit a brick wall. I laid on couch feeling VERY weak. That's when my H sat down said he's tired of kicking a dead horse (our marriage) He said he feels absolutely NOTHING for me or why else would he have had the affair in the first place our marriage was already over. He's been trying for years to feel something for me. He's dead inside and NOTHING means anything to him. He said it's not because this OW is racked and stacked. Then he went into child custody. I asked if he could just give our marriage a year of good counseling. He stood up VERY upset & said fine I'll get help. He said he didn't want to talk anymore.<BR>I think he had the OW over to our house Sunday, July 1. Went to pick-up our twins from his parents. He didn't want to go. He was gone when I got home. The house was unusually clean. I found a long dark brown curly hair on bathroom counter. I know it was hers. Then Monday, July 2<BR>he never picked up the kids until later. Then Tuesday, July 3rd I saw he called the OW at 1:10pm then again at 4:30pm. I think he was with her during this time. He did not pick up our girls from sitter until after 4:30pm. Tuesday night we went to neighbors yearly 4th party. He was being nice but still trying to avoid me. When we got home around 12:30am he left the car running w/ lights on. Our girls asked him why. He didn't respond. We got in house he said he was going to get the girls fireworks for the next night (July 4th) I said we could stop & pick some up on the way back to his parents. His dad invited us over for breakfast. He forgot all about that. He said he would just go to this one store. I said they are not open 24 hours. He got upset & said FINE I'll stay home. He put the car & truck away. He came inside upset. He hit his shin on the truck. He blamed it on me. He said it would have NEVER happen if he would NOT have listened to me AGAIN. I put girls to bed. He was walking around upset. He asked me to come in kitchen. He said I know your going to get VERY upset but I'm going to pick up fireworks tonight. He said he looked all over that day & could not find any. (Well he went to this same store earlier that day & bought some things if he looked there why did he have to go back) I told him I wasn't upset I just thought we could pick them up the next day. I basically gave in & said it was okay for him to leave. He's getting REALLY good at turning things around making it look like I'm the big BAD person so then I give in. He put some body spray on and left.(Why did he need to smell good to go to a store) He didn't even want to give me a kiss. I kissed him. He got home around 2:10am. Got in bed, didn't say a word. He pushed the cover between us so he wouldn't have to touch me. I asked what time he wanted to get up. He forgot AGAIN that his dad invited him for breakfast. When we got up he was VERY distant & quiet and ignored me all day. He did say it took forever in the store that he went to. I really do not think they were that busy that early in the morning, but I didn't say anything. We went boating with his parents, brother's family & kids. He was everywhere else but by me. They all came over to our house to see our new puppies. We ate. My H could not sit still. He was here & there half the time. I had to use the restroom & walked in bathroom & saw my H had gotten sick. I asked him what was up. He didn't admit he was sick. He told me to knock next time. His brother's family got cleaned up at our house because they were going to a friends house. My H told me "I wish they would just leave". After they all left my H jumped in the shower, put his nice shirt, nice pants and nice belt on. He sprayed his feet with body spray and said he was going to pick up a movie & walked out. He didn't say good bye or give me a kiss. I walked out & gave him a kiss. I could tell he didn't want a kiss. (He left his cell phone at home, I saw she must have left a message at 6:15pm at least someone left him a VM everyone else knew where we were at) He got back with two movies. My & the girls watched the one, my H laid down & took a nap. He had to work his part-time security job at local hospital that night. He was OVERLY happy when he got home. Today he didn't tell me what he was doing. It's his day off & he brought the girls to the sitter. I know he will probably be with OW. He really thinks he's beautiful. He's really trying to lose weight & get a good tan. I bought the book "Surviving an Affair" I read 1/4 of it last night. It's good. I hope it's not too late. When this first all started my H told me he did still LOVE me. (May 29) now he basically told me he can't stand me, feels absolutely NOTHING. He's been lying to him self that he ever has. Especially when I mentioned what he said the first part of May. He said he felt like he was falling in love with me all over again. But he said that was a lye to himself to. He was lying again to himself. The only problem I have is that my H is telling and Talking to the OW about everything we say, his parents or anyone. The OW is separated from her H & she is experienced so she's counseling my H from her past experience of a BAD marriage. I really can't win. I feel he's seeing through the "FOG" then when he talks to her he gets deeper & deeper cover in it. She probably tells him it won't work because in her marriage it didn't work & she's probably telling my H how she felt & makes him believe he feels the same way & should do the same things she did. She wants my H BAD. From what people tell me she has to WIN. My H won't even call me at work anymore. If he does he won't hardly say hi or good bye.<BR>He's to the point & never wants to give me too much information. He sneaks off at home talks on phone. I know it's with her. I know he knows I'm not STUPID. <P>I saw a note he has his second lawyer appointment July 10 at 10:00am. He usually schedules things on his days off this is not his day off so he must have taken the soonest appointment they had open. What do they usually do on the second appointment with divorce lawyer??? Should I talk to legal too? <P>I am talking with Dr. Harley again today. I hope he makes me feel better today.<P>LOVEMESS

{{{LoveMess}}}:<P>I am sorry to hear of all the pain you've been experiencing.<P>I would suggest talking to a lawyer as well. Just to make sure that you and your children are taken care of no matter what.<P>Mostly, though, I would continue with Plan A. All is not lost, even though it seems hard. <P>A story if I may: I prepared for natural childbirth (no painkillers) and part of the preparations were discussions of how to make pain less. One of the things that we discussed is that an unexpected pain hurts more than one you expect. Also, not knowing that a pain will end sometimes makes the pain seem more intense. I find that applying the same principles to Plan A made my life more tolerable.<P>Know that as long as the affair continues (and he will tell you when it ends) that you will experience new pains. They will hurt. But there will be a beginning of that pain, a middle, and then it will slack off and dull. Expect them--don't be surprised by them. Take deep breaths and know they will end.<P>You'll be okay. Keep to Plan A and know that you will survive.<P>Blessings,<BR>HBC

Well i'm not sure what good advice i'm going to be able to offer you LoveMess. Your husbands words, actions, ect sound very much like what I did. You just have to give it time, be patient and try not to "Piss" him off with love busters. <P>Keep reading S.A.A. it's a good book. Also check out "his needs her needs" Be patient, work on the things you can fix... Which is the problems you may have caused during the marriage.<P>If your going to seek legal counsel make sure they have your interests in mind as well. It's a good idea to protect yourself, so your not out in the cold. In the event it gets worse. So definately seek legal counsel and prepare yourself for what might happen.<P>So what I mean is, don't let the lawyers talk you into divorce, just be honest and say you are trying to look after yourself, and you are working on your marriage, you just want to protect yourself in case.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie

Your husband's behavior and things he is saying sound exactly like my husbands when he was in his fog. The only difference being my H procrastinates over everything and I don't believe he would have ever gone to an attorney. Since your H is seeing an attorney, I feel you need to protect yourself and your financial security for the childrens' sake. My advice is to see an attorney. Most attorneys provide the initial consult free of charge. You can continue your plan A at the same time. Best of luck. -