Hi everybody! Ok, I don't know what to do. To try and summarize breifly... My wife and I have been married for 10 years, dated for 3, have 2 kids(6 and 2). We seperated in Jan. because she needed her "independance". She had an A with her manager, it ended in late March. We signed the D papers in May. A week before it was final, she asked me to put it on hold, which I did. Since that time almost everything has been good. We've had a few disagreements, nothing major. Anyway we are still seperated but seeing each other a lot and when we are together things seem great, things are going in the right direction, I think. Now my problem is, she will not agree to not date anyone else(sorry for the double negative). She claims that she has not gone out with anybody, but will not commit to just seeing/dating me. I don't believe this is the time for us to date others to see if there's anything better out there. I believe we should commit to each other for now, while we are working on us. I would feel a lot better about her and us if she would just say that she is commited to our marriage enough to not look elsewhere. I am not asking her to move back in together or to even put our wedding bands back on(god I miss that small piece of gold). Her attitude is if we commit to only each other, we should just get back together, which she is not ready to do, at all. My attitude is if we are not commited to only each other, what is the point of staying married? It hurts to know that she would go out with someone else and it will hurt so much more if/when she actually does. But I can't make her commit or even see why it would be destructive to our relationship if we did date others. I see 2 options available to me right now. Let things go the way things are going, with the possibilty of her meeting someone. This would crush me and she knows it. She says she doesn’t have a problem with me going out with someone, because she knows I wouldn’t do anything that would destroy our relationship. But it would give her justification to go out with others too, I don’t want to date anyone right now anyway. On the other hand if things keep going the way they’ve been, I feel very good about our chances. But I feel that I am taking a risk, because I really don’t even know if she’s lying to me about her currently seeing other people. The other option I see is taking the divorce off hold and moving on. I don’t want to do this, I know she will come around one day, whether she truely feels the loss of my love for her or when she finally sees that our life together has been/will be as wonderful as we both believed it to be. But I have to draw the line somewhere and get on with my life. I don't know what to do, I don’t want to pressure her, it has a very negative effect. But I hate this let’s see how things go without an assurance that she will not be seeing anybody else or even looking for someone else. Oh well, I know what I want in life(wish I didn’t) and I will probably stick with things for now, until we either get back together or until she has fallen in love with someone else and crushes me again. If anybody can give me any advice on how to deal with this I would be most appreciative. I’m sorry for the lack of details but it’s an awfully long(and extremely painful) story. I really believe I could write a soap-opera script with my story(I’m sure many of you feel the same way). Thank you all so much for the advice given on this message board. I wish I would’ve fould this site in Jan.

kb<P>I know what you mean about waiting for a commitment...I have been waiting for four months for my W to commit to us.<P><BR>You wrote:<P><But I can't make her commit or even see why it would be destructive to our relationship if we did date others.> <P>What I have learned is you can't make anyone do anything you want them to.<P>It sounds like you are making progress and that this is (perhaps) the only major issue hanging right now.<P>I guess only you will be able to know how much patience you have with this situation, but I guess if you were willing to pull back from the verge of divorce, it might be worth your patience to give her time.<P>Perhaps this is her way of testing that commitment on your part?<P>Seems like you have been willing to go thru some tough stuff to get here and at this point you don't really have much to lose by continuing that path.<P>I hope your W comes around for you...<P>Good luck <P>E<P><BR>

kb4jb,<P>Welcome to the forum! (First time I've been able to say that someone.) There's invaluable help to be found here. Reading the Harley concepts is essential: start with the web site and get the books if you can.<P>I'm in a sort of similar stage as you... My W and I are about to separate... She in an ongoing but supposedly "cooled off" A. She is demanding that same independence, not so much so she can see more of him (she has no qualms about doing it now, even with me there!) but so she can work on herself and try to figure out what she's doing and where she is in life. I've been Plan A'ing and will continue to do so. She wants us to continue to be friends during the sep and wants me to maintain close relationship with our little girl (my step-daughter), but she will not commit to fixing the marriage or breaking contact with the OM. According to her, she could end up with me, with him, or with neither of us.<P>I feel, like you, that I am being asked to stay in limbo. She wants the option for us to work out to exist, but isn't willing to make that a goal.<P>Pressuring her will fail. It's just a turn-off. Like Elad said, you just can't *make* someone do something...<P>I'd be interested in this forum's views on where you are in regard to Plan A or B... I think Plan A'ing may be the way to go, giving yourself a fixed time before you Plan B. This is a tough one...<P>But hang in there... Remember the reasons you married her in the first place and consider if truly she is who you want to grow with. If so, make your own committment to MB'ing.<P>I would give anything to be where you in are, to have my W takes those steps back towards me. Only time will tell for me... You're in a good spot, really...<P>Take care and good luck,<BR>zen

Thanks guys for replying. And thanks to everbody on this forum. It is helpful to see(and kind of sad actually) that my story is not so unique. I wish when people are married they'd be given the questionnaires found on this site to fill out and refer to when their marriage gets in a rut, that's how our problems started. I'm going to stick with things for now and hope she comes totally around. Things are so much better than they were before the papers were signed, but I'm so tired. I can't imagine anything being more stressful or painful or emotionally exhausting.<P>zen: One thing I'll recommend, and I may be wrong, don't seperate unless she demands it. I left my wife(taking our 2 kids and her not stopping me), she never said please don't go or I want you to stay or anything encouraging. But she has said over the past few months that she wishes I hadn't. I believe it would be easier to fix things now if we were still living together. Hang in there, you are not alone!

kb4jb<BR>Sorry you have to be here. I hope you can use some of the ideas given by MB and these posts.<BR>I strongly recommend you read all the material on MBs. It is very helpful. <P>There are some postings about 'manipulation and control' to 'keep' someone in your life, when they don't love you or want to be in the marriage. It is obvious to me that no one stays unless they want to. That decision must be left to the individual. Plan A and B are guidlines to rebuild marriages for those of us who have been forced into this situations by our spouces . All we can do is react to very painful circumstances. <BR>You sound as though you know what you want. That is great! You are recovering and building a relationship with your wife. Fabulous! (My H and I were married 17 years, d-day July 17, 1998, started dating again in Dec. '98, he asked me to hold off on the D in Feb. '99 and we reconciled in Aug. 99 when he moved home. We are closer and happier than we have ever been as we celebrate more than 20 years together) <P>My suggestion to you is to keep building a relationship with your wife. Get to know her and alow her to get to know you as an individual. <P> Also, read Dobson's 'Love Must Be Tough'. For me it helped me with my understanding about the A, what I did to help deteriorate our relationship and how to regain the respect from my H that I needed and wanted. It may help you to know that my H said the same things you W is saying. <P>When I lovingly and strongly told him that I love him and wanted nothing more than to be married to him, but I would never alow him to disrespect me by having ANY OW in his life.(This would have included Mother Teresa) I wanted our relationship and if he couldn't and didn't want to give that to me than we should end our marriage. I knew it would be difficult but I knew I would survive. My life will move on and I will find someone. My heart felt as though it would burst and I had a great deal of difficulty keeping my voice steady, but I did it sincerely. As we talk about all of these thing now, and we do talk about it, he tells me he never thought that I may not take him back. Can you beleive that? He thought I was just going to keep waiting for him. When I stated all this he was amazed at my strength and independence. It scared him, he started to wonder if it was possible for him to WIN me back. He needed to be scared, because I refused to alow myself to be used by him. He tested me over and over again in many ways for several months. I would restate my objective, which was to rebuild our marriage and reinforce my demand for a respectful monogomous relationship. (I wouldn't answer or return his phone calls when I knew he had contact with the OW. I didn't not alow him to just drop by. I didn't hang around when I picked up the kids and I wouldn't go to his house when he just wanted to see me-ie have sex. But in general what bothered him the most was I stopped telling him how much I loved him, wanted him, needed him, etc. And I stopped telling him about my life. My life became a mystery to him. He began to wonder if I had an OP in my life.) His focus turned to me and he began to see what he might lose. It may or may not be something that you can use in your situation but it did help me to become an independent stronger person. I knew what I wanted and what I had wasn't it.<P> Some other helpful matterial is Peggy Vaughan's book 'The Monogamy Myth' and 'Beyond Affairs'. <P>I hope this helps you in your efforts to rebuild your marriage. May the fog lift quickly.<BR>God Bless<BR>JuJu