My H thinks that he's the only one who's ever felt like this. He said many many hurtful things. The OW is putting a lot of pressure on. My H is VERY addicted. Read my post under Prayer and General Questions. I started posting just a few weeks ago. I discover my husbands affair on May 29, 2001. From there things have just gotten much worse. Now he basically told me he's tired of kicking a dead horse. He feels absolutely NOTHING for me. He said he's dead inside & doesn't care about ANYTHING. But he sure is ambitious to see her and look good for her. He doesn't know I know everything...He knows I'm NOT stupid. I have just been trying to be my best since May 29, 2001. It's hard to sleep and/or eat. We have a beautiful home that sits on an acreage (5 acres) We have beautiful twin girls that just turned 5 yrs old. We have animals the girls and I love (dogs, cats, horses, pony, chickens) We have great jobs and our retirement and education funds set for our girls. Now my H doesn't care about anything, he just keeps saying "Its NOT good" The OW has been through this all she is giving him advise & makes him see the light. Makes it easy for him to make the decision to see a lawyer because in a sense I know she's pushing it. She wants him BAD. But yet he's scared of staying with me because he said he scared he'll feel the same way again in future. Then he said he needs to find "self" happiness. He lost himself. I killed him. He doesn't care what people think of him or say or what he loses financially because he said at least he'll have some "self" happiness. The letters from the OW tell him to not lose him "self" like she did. Basically telling my H since she left her H she's gotten her self back and she's happy now. He's just taking her experience with a bad marriage and believing his is the same way & he has to do the same thing. I'm just scared that he will file for Divorce before he comes to realize what he's doing. Maybe I should just give up too. But I truly LOVE MY H. He's been so rude and distant from me. I know he's with the OW right now too.<P>He needs help from someone who's been through it. Tell him he's making a big mistake. I am talking to Dr. Harley my H talked to him twice but my H is so under the influence of a FOG that he's not willing to try. I see him just staring at me sometimes. Then he said he just doesn't feel nothing. It's like he's trying really hard but feels nothing. He probably tells this to OW and she loves it. The more she can have him. I would love to tell her to leave him alone. But I was told NOT to confront her she's nasty and has to win. She loves to conquer men. But my H she really wants. She asks him what it is about him that makes her vulnerable to him. She has NEVER felt like this with anyone before. That's way she says GOD is bringing them together...it's fate. They are soul mates. She has the "connection with him" If my H does leave and divorce me and stays with her. He will make it work just to prove to everyone that he can even though he may have doubts and feel he make wrong decision. He will he in worse shape than he says he is with me. This OW wants to raise our children together. My H said about a month ago he would probably buy our place from me. I will not allow her to move in our place. I would rather sell it to a stranger and make sure he nor she get it. This is my home of all dreams. It's hard to explain but if he and she would get our home it would be the most hurtfull thing I would EVER have to experience. My H and the OW work the same shift and have the same days off. My H works third shift as police officer 11pm-7am and she works in another area from 7pm-3am. They work six days on and three days off. The days vary when they have off. One week it's Mon,Tues,Wed<BR>then the next would be Wed,Thurs, Fri. How would I work child custody. It's usually every other weekend. But he rarely has weekends off. There's not way I'm going to let everything fit his schedule. Or am I just being a big bad witch. He tried to turn everything around too to make it be my fault. Then I give in. <P>HELP>>>>>>>>>><BR>LOVEMESS<P>LOVEMESS

Reading it, been out of town for months now... Just got back to my home town. So i've been a bit busy.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie

<B><BR>The OW is putting a lot of pressure on. <BR></B><P>Pressure has positive and negative effects. He may or may not be ready to do anything. So the more "She" pressures him, the more he conforms and confines his way to hers, the more it'll piss him off in the long run. No one likes a nag However he may be quicker on the draw on moving out, etc so be prepared.<P><B><BR>The OW has been through this all she is giving him advise & makes him see the light.<BR></B><P>Hmm that doesn't much matter. The (xow) in my case had been on her 3rd divorce I believe. Had all the answers for me as well. Doesn't much matter really.<P><B><BR>But yet he's scared of staying with me because he said he scared he'll feel the same way again in future.<BR></B><P>The only person you can change is yourself for the better. So work on your problems, give him a reason to see you in a different light. Really study where you might have gone wrong in the past with LB's and not fulfilling his needs. Work on learning, growing, accepting what you can fix.<P><B><BR>Then he said he needs to find "self" happiness.<BR></B><P>Classic WS line.<P><B><BR>He doesn't care what people think of him or say or what he loses financially because he said at least he'll have some "self" happiness.<BR></B><P>Yeah right Walked down that path. Not a fun place to go.<P><B><BR>Maybe I should just give up too.<BR></B><P>Why? It's not that hopeless. Don't give up hope. No reason to... Just back off a bit, and work on yourself, don't pressure him to do things, and don't love bust.<BR>You made a choice to work on the marriage, so why give up now?<P><B><BR>He needs help from someone who's been through it. Tell him he's making a big mistake.<BR></B><P>More then likely going to be a waste of breath. It'll go in one ear and out the other. Or worse, just make him defensive and that will justify his actions.<P><B><BR>He will make it work just to prove to everyone that he can even though he may have doubts and feel he make wrong decision.<BR></B><P>How pitiful.<P><B><BR>He tried to turn everything around too to make it be my fault. Then I give in.<BR></B><P>Typical, I blamed knewjie for a ton of stuff. Just so I had some ryhme and reason to justify what I was doing. She owned up to her faults in the marriage, and apologized, and said she was working on fixing those things.<P>So at first i'm like "Huh?, your doing what?, Yeah right.. thats got to be BS."<P>Well, she didn't blame me for anything, changed a lot in herself, etc. So eventually I came started seeing those results in her. Every phone call, every contact, and every letter I saw from her I saw those changes she was talking about.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie

Hi Lovemess:<P>Somehow we BS always think there is one last argument or conversation we can have with WS that will be the one that does it...the one that makes them see the light...seldom happens if the fog is deep. Like a run-a-way train they keep bearing down the track, not stopping for anything, blowing everything out of their way, so big that little can stop them short of another train or running out of fuel and OW is seeing that he doesn't run short of that.<P>What can you do...just stand there and watch him destroy your life...basically yes...because "you" can't stop him...only he can and he has to want to. If there are problems in the marriage you can work on those (the ones that you contributed to) so that you can be a better safer place to come back to after the foggy ride is over. You can however protect yourself and I recommend that you do so by seeing a lawyer yourself.<P>The foggy trip can be long or short...but you only have to be taken along if you allow yourself to.<P>Faye<BR>

Lovemess- I hope you dont mind me posting to you. Your situation is very similar to the one I've been in since Feb. My had a OW who worked with him who was competitive just like yours. Urged him to divorce me- said she wanted to be stepmom to my 3 kids- she even had H bring them over to her place around xmas time to bake cookies- she had H tell me I could have the afternoon to myself!!! She found an attorney for H to do the divorce papers on me- he filed on me in April- claimed it was what HE wanted- later he cancelled them saying OW pressured him to do it and he didnt know how to get out of the cycle of doing what she told him to. ( My H is no sissy type either- but OW sure had some hold over his emotions!!!) Anyway- during this time I stayed in Plan A and made changes I thought would appeal to him- he was confused about whether it would last between us if he came back to me. He eventually got tired of the pressure from OW and did come back to me and reconcile but its been quite the long road to get to that point. I just tell you this because if your H is in heavy fog like mine was he is not thinking clearly and not really making his own decisions without confusion. hopefully yours will come out of the fog like mine did eventually. I kept telling mine I am totally against divorce and would not make it easy on him if he INSISTED on it. lifeismessy