This is my first time posting here but I've been lurking many boards these last few days in search of advice, other people's experiences, anything that could shed some light on my situation. I must have posted my story all over cyberspace trying to find answers, when ultimately it boils down to what's inside of me. But none the less, it's always good to get other viewpoints. So here's my story in a nutshell.<P>My h and I have been separated for 1 1/2 years due to his affair. He wanted a divorce and pretty much moved on with his life with the ow. During this time, I've been to hell and back getting my life together. Now that I'm making strides he's questioning everything. <P>I've been dating the last couple of months and have been intimate with other men. In my heart and mind, my marriage was over so there really was no commitment I had to honor anymore. We got the final divorce papers and guess what threw me for a loop - my h doesn't want to push it through. What the heck is going on? <BR>

emptyheart:<P>What's going on is the typical cycle of an affair. Most affairs end within a couple of years. Often, the unfaithful spouse misses the marriage, and has an interest in coming back.<P>Technically (and morally), you have been unfaithful. That's probably not what you want to hear. The bottom line is what do you want to do? If you want to try to reconcile your marriage---then you have an opportunity. But that opportunity comes with risk, and I would suggest that you be very clear to your husband about what you will need to attempt a reconciliation.<P>MarriageBuilders is a great place to be to get help with this. If you want to make a "last stand" for your marriage, then I'd suggest that you call the MB phone counseling center (888-639-1639) and make an appointment with Steve or Jenn Harley. They're both very talented counselors, and they can help you formulate a plan to give this a shot.

Stay with me for a moment here.....<P>A marriage is not over until the divorce papers are signed. So technically what you have been doing is adultery. The marriage vows say that “forsake all others” not “forsake all others as long as my spouse does that same thing.”<P>In today's society what you did is often considered acceptable. The problem is that most wayward spouses (WS) return to their betrayed spouse (BS) after the “fog” of the affair clears. <P>It seems that in many cases, the BS will enter into an affair. Perhaps it’s revenge. Perhaps, as in your case it’s an attempt to get on with one’s life. <P>Perhaps your husband’s “fog” has cleared and he wants to come back to you. How do you feel about that?<P>Please read all of the material on this web site and the book “Surviving an Affair”. I believe you will find them helpful.<P>Z<BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Hi EmptyHeart and welcome to MB <P>I have a question for you. During your seperation, was your H with the OW, and .... were you and your H in constant contact during that 1.5 years?

Thanks K and zorweb for your honesty. I can see the technicality of what I did to be considered adultery but if I had any hope that our marriage could be saved, I wouldn't have dated. I started going out with other men not for revenge but because I was ready to get back in the social scene and start that aspect of my life again. <P>One big fear I have about discussing reconciliation is how my h would perceive my actions. At this point, I'm not going to open up a can of worms because the topic of getting back together hasn't been brought up. And besides, what I am doing right now is really none of business. He's still with the ow and hasn't even given me the notion that he's going to leave her. The only thing he's told me is that he doesn't want our marriage to be over just yet. What that means, I don't know. So now that I'm sort of back in limbo, any suggestions on what I should do next?

<B>During your seperation, was your H with the OW, and .... were you and your H in constant contact during that 1.5 years?</B>[/QUOTE]<P>thanks for the welcome. to answer your questions, my h left to be with the ow. that's why we separated. and yes we were in constant contact during the separation. we have kids together so it makes it difficult not to talk or see each other regularly.

emptyheart - is your heart empty? It must not be, right?<P>If he doesn't want the divorce to go through, he must want to reconsider his prior decision to end his relationship with you.<P>My suggestion is to offer your H an opportunity to talk about what he is thinking if he is willing to end contact with OW and recommit to your marriage. This is the crux of the MB Plan B. Continued contact with OW, no discussions; no contact with OW, let's talk. Of course, this is one extreme. Others may suggest a less conditional approach, depending on how your recent communications have been.<P>WAT

[QUOTE]Originally posted by worthatry:<BR><B>emptyheart - is your heart empty? It must not be, right?</B><P>No by all means my heart's not empty. It has plenty of love and care to give to the right person. <P><B>If he doesn't want the divorce to go through, he must want to reconsider his prior decision to end his relationship with you.</B><P>Not necessarily. What he told me was that he didn't want the divorce final yet. <P><B>My suggestion is to offer your H an opportunity to talk about what he is thinking if he is willing to end contact with OW and recommit to your marriage.</B><P>As far as working on the marriage, we didn't touch the subject. He's still with the OW and hasn't let on that he's going to leave her. Then there's the question of whether I even bring up the busines of my private life to him before we even get into the heavy discussion of reconciliation. What to do...<P><BR>

eh:<P>Welcome to MarriageBuilders. Glad you found us (but regret the circumstances).<P>I would take WAT's words to heart (he has an uncanny knack for hitting the nail on the head): given the length of time and the pending finality of the divorce; anything short of no contact with the OW is a prescription for disaster.<P>Read <I>Surviving an Affair</I> as soon as you can; see if he will read it. If so, then--if that is your mutual desire--you have a chance to recoup your marriage.<P>It is not going to be easy, it will require 100-percent effort and dedication from you both. (Which is why I, like WAT, emphasize the no-contact rule.)<P>Your dating during his affair will, at least in his mind, create an additional level of justification and emotional baggage.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL