Where to begin?? If any of you want a brief history, I will reply with one. For those that know my story, here goes....<P>A year ago, I would never have believed that we would be where we are today. I certainly wanted to be settled and recovered, but believed in my heart that we would have split up by now. W has been very slowly coming around since last fall. We have started to touch a bit on the affair, but W has exhibited some of that WS memory loss that many of you are familiar with. Mostly, we have dealt, and are dealing, with the issues that got us to the affair in the first place. Finally, we are both committed to rebuild what we had and make our marriage much better than it was before and to try to approach the potential that we both saw so long ago.<P>It hasn't been easy and is still pretty rough at times, but this stuff can work!! I was never the perfect "Plan A" executor(just ask lostva), but I did it well enough in the end. I believe now that this progress could have been accelerated more if I had been able to do a more perfect Plan A. Each time I LB'ed, I gave her more reason for doubt and delay.<P>We are now both dedicated "Oprah" watchers, especially the Phil McGraw and Gary Zukov episodes. Watching those does sometimes stimulate discussion. We are getting closer and that makes trust easier. She is finally just beginning to see why my trust hasn't been 100 percent.<P>Over the last few months, we had reached a point of no progress. W wasn't confiding in me to any extent at all, questions about the post-d-day activities caused her to shutdown from a communication standpoint, and she seemed to have no understanding or concern about what the A and afters had done to me emotionally and mentally. We had a rough four week period where we rarely were on speaking terms and had arguments about every two or three days. These arguments always boiled down to her position that I needed to completely be the person she wanted me to be before she would open up one iota, and me arguing for gradual give-and-take until we were both where we and the other wanted.<P>She has been reading "Divorce Busters" and every once in a while, she would give me "constructive criticism" by citing examples in the book. I reminded her about Michelle's story of the couple who were at odds over what happened in the affair. The H(WS) wouldn't answer his W's questions. When Michelle discussed this with the couple, W indicated her frustration at H's refusal to talk. The H told Michelle that he didn't want to get all that started because it would never end. Anyway, Michelle suggested to the couple that they make an agreement to the effect that the H would honestly answer any questions put to him and that there would be a half-hour time limit per session. Their first session went an hour. The W felt the H was listening to her more and responding honestly to her. The H felt like at last there would be an end to this. He was so comfortable that he didn't stop the session after 30 min as he had a right to. After this, the W was so encouraged that they didn't even have another session. I suggested this to W and got no response.<P>Two weeks ago I had completely given up and was sorting in my mind the things I needed to do to get the divorce underway. Then, a week ago Friday, we went to dinner and uncharacteristically, W started talking about us and what she needed and where I was failing. After we returned home, I calmly told her what I was feeling, how I had felt and so on. I told her that I felt that I had given back trust before she had earned it in the hopes that she would see that and appreciate my effort. I had also told her that her reasons for not opening up to me were perfectly understandable(and I would probably have felt the same way) except for the A. I said that given the fact of the A, that I had really felt that some things should have been given by her without any conditions. Anyway, she didn't say a whole lot until the next morning when she told me that for the first time she understood how I felt and how the A and its aftermath had affected me. She even offered to do some Q&A like the couple in Michelle's book.<P>I told her that just for her to say she could understand what all this had done to me was all I needed for now and maybe for a long time. She said that one reason she didn't want to talk about all this was that she was "disgusted" with herself for what she had done. I told her I didn't want her feeling that way about herself. I just wanted us both to do what was necessary so she never again felt as she had when the A started.<P>For those of you familar with my story, this is a giant, giant step for my W. Things are now going more smoothly than they have in years and we are both happier. Most of the little, nagging doubts I still had left are now fading away. I can honestly relate to a post by Lori(lostva) a long time ago when she said that she realized she was no longer a "BS". I now understand that and feel the same way myself.<P>This post is primarily for those familiar with me and those who are not who don't believe that this "stuff" works. It does and W and I are living proof. Had I not done a 15 month Plan A(and it sure wasn't perfect) before W committed to attempt to rebuild the marriage, we would have been divorced within 6 months of D-day. Do you hear me??? This stuff *CAN* work!!!!<P>... an "ex-BS",<BR>--DeWayne--

Way to go, Heartpin!!!<P> <P>That's really terrific news, DeWayne. May you continue your solid marriagebuilding efforts!

Thanks, <B>K</B>, you really latched onto that "heartpin" thingy!!! You really are too kind, my MB efforts have been "shaky" at best, but it's such a firm foundation that you don't have to be perfect to make it work...<P>I'm just following onto the path blazed by you and many others and I want to thank you for the "kick in the pants" when I needed it...<P>--DeWayne--<p>[This message has been edited by Heartpain (edited July 05, 2001).]

YES!!!!!!!!!!!<P>I bow before the god of plan A.....(lostva is the goddess)<P>15 months!!!<P>((((((((((((DeWayne & Susan))))))))))))<P>you give her a hug for me tonight.....<P>I'm so proud of you both....<P>it's been a long 2 years for us, hasn't it??<P>my heart is so full and happy for you right now....<P>Dylan<P>------------------<BR>"The journey into darkness has been long and cruel, and you have gone deep into it."<BR>~ A Course in Miracles

and a further hey!!!!<P>what happened to the montreal visit??<P>I've got "Welcome MB brother" banners ready to go.....

YIPPEE!!! And you had doubts!! <P>I'm so happy for you two!! <P>Mitzi

DeWayne - I have tears in my eyes.<P>Just a few moments ago, after cleaning up the dinner dishes, giving my son a hug just because he was close, and looking at my deceased son's picture, I plunged once again into grief. I came here to distract myself and was drawn to your post.<P>Thank you for picking me up.<P>Dave (WAT)

I have tears from your post and Dave's reply. DeWayne, I too have been at this for nearly 15 months. I am so happy for you and your post really lifted my spirits that things CAN work out and be what we all want them to be. <P>Thank you so much for your uplifting words, and best of luck to you.

DeWayne:<P>Welcome to the road to recovery. This is one road where zorweb and I want traffic congestion. Bumper to bumper traffic would be welcome.<P>If we see you on the road, we will honk and wave.<P>Our prayers and thoughts with you both,<BR>Godspeed,<BR>STL

DeWayne,<P>Congratulations to you and your wife!<P>Thanks for posting this very uplifting success story. You are an inspiration to us all, and offer a great deal of hope to those who are still in the early stages of the struggle.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

DeWayne,<P>All I can say is: Congratulations! You deserve all of the happiness your marriage can bring. <P>God Bless You and Your W,<P>JL

DeWayne,<P>Just browsing before I go to bed and saw your post, congratulations!!!!!<P>You said it yourself, you weren't perfect, but you were consistent/persistent. I hope others reading your post will notice that and keep hanging in there!!!<P>Bob

<P>That's my big brother!!!! <P>Robert's tickled, too!!<P>Lori

DeWayne:<P>Thank for the words of encouragement. As someone on the path of Plan A for about 5 weeks, your note really helps. My WW also seems to be holding back, keeping up defenses, but you note gives me hope to keep on track with trying to learn how to be more thoughtful and learn what needs I was not meeting. Best to you!<BR>SG

A little late to the party, but I brought LOTS OF EXCITEMENT WITH ME!! <P>(((((DeWayne and Susan)))))<P>Tell her I said hello, and how happy I am for her!!!

<B>Dylan - </B> "God" of Plan A??? I don't think so. Not even close, there....As for the "goddess", I have no disagreements with you at all, but gee, so many of you female-types have done so much better at Plan A than us Neandertals that it's ridiculous. OK, if Lori is the "goddess", is Terri the "empress"?? Inquiring minds want to know. <P>Yup, it's been a looooong two years, but I really am a better person than when this started and in many ways, very different. That's the beauty of Plan A. You know, I don't respond often to your posts, but I have many times followed you when you have described your journey of "self-realization". I've traveled that road in no small measure to the inspiration you've given me in your posts.<P>Re: the Montreal visit, I thought I had responded to a post of yours awhile ago that we couldn't work out the timing before Susan's dad moved back to BC. I am still going to try to get up that way someday, just to meet you guys....<P>Hugs back to you and Deut...<P><B>Mitzi - </B> <B>I</B> had <B><I>doubts???</I></B> You must have me confused with someone else... Yup, I sure did and weren't you there to give me the boost up when I needed it!!! Luv ya, girl...<P><B>WAT - </B> What you said moved me greatly...I remember the first couple of months after D-day that it brought back the memories of when my second son passed. I couldn't believe that I was experiencing the same feelings and emotions at almost the same level once again. Big manly hugs to ya, Dave...I've been to that same pit. It(loss of a child) eases after a few years, but it never really goes away. Not meant to, I don't think.<P><B>hurtingnil - </B> 15 months is a long, long time to be doing this, isn't it?? Actually, it really did get a little easier after some time. I began to feel so much better about myself, that there were at least three occasions where I, without tears, hard feelings and with compassion, offered to leave the marriage if Susan thought it best. I just wanted the best for her. I knew that, eventually, my life would work out fine, one way or the other. Plan A gave me that confidence. Be strong, your life will be great someday soon, no matter what happens now...<P><B>STL - </B> Thanks, man...Hopefully that road will soon be so congested that we will have to consider mass transit.. I'm glad you and z are here. So many people have been given hope by the fact that you and she have been able to move past this and are both willing to share your perspectives. I remember in the early days for me there were posting couples who really gave me strength at times..(DuncanMac and Suse come to mind)..<P><B>Terri - </B> ... or <B><I>Empress</I></B> Terri - All I needed to know I could keep it up was to read your posts. If you could plan A in the circumstances you were in, anyone could have in mine....You ROCK !!!!<P><B>JL - </B> All I can say to you is "Thanks" for your part in our lives and there is no need to wish you "luck". You are wise and steady and you do give an anchor with your calm advice. You have earned all the good fortune that has come your way...<P><B>Bob(RWD) - </B> We have both come a long way, haven't we. Different outcomes, but we grew together here. I know I've told you this before, but I have always been proud of the way you have lived your life thru the adversity. I know it's pretty tough right now with the kids at the ages they are, but I know that as they grow up, they're going to be really proud of their DAD!!! <P>Hey, <B>Lil' Sis - </B> You've had more to do with this than anyone. You also know how I feel about you, Robert and Kristin...Through the good times and bad, you've been my rock. I always received the best advice and support here, but I wouldn't have made it without you!! <P><B>SprayerGuy - </B> One thing you may find is that if you are not doing Plan A strictly to get your W back, it will improve YOU. I had co-workers comment on my "new" attitude, partly because I started Plan A'ing them too. I see Plan A as a lifestyle. On a post long ago, I said that Plan A was just another way of describing the "Golden Rule".<P>I hope your efforts produce results you can be happy with and also in much less time than it took me. Keep on track with meeting your W's needs, but also look inside and find needs that YOU have that YOU could be satisfying. This is key. The best of luck to you.<P><B>Nyneve - </B> You, my dear, are <I>never</I> too late to the party. We purposefully delay the best parts until you arrive. You are another who has been with me thru the long haul and I love you for it!! Big ole' platonic hugs your way. You and your new hubby have my best wishes, but like JL you don't really need them because you both are so well <I>trained</I>... I will relay your message....<P>

Good Grief, do I remember the insanity you went through last year and when I first joined MB...<P>I have to say I got a little tear in my eye when I read this...My hat goes off to you both in your personal growth...I think newcommers ought to go and look up your old threads and see for real how this completely unfolded...<P>I remember specifcly the some things that Dmac and Suse walked you through...Where have they vanished to???<P>Take good care and keep it up...<P>Bill<P>------------------<P><BR>May the roads rise to meet you,<BR>May the winds always be at your back,<BR>May the sun shine warm upon your face,<BR>The rains fall soft upon your fields,<BR>And until we meet again,<BR>May god hold you<BR>In the hollow of his hand.<p>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited July 09, 2001).]

<B>Bill - </B> Sorry for the late response, we have had company for a week. Don't minimize your help to me...You were also there to help "walk" me thru the insanity even though your situation was crazier than mine. I also count you as a friend and hope to meet you one day...<P>Your suggestion about reading old posts is a good one, but the structure of the board and the flaky search engine make this tough. I thought of going thru my old posts to gather a list for two or three subject areas and post them as replies. Don't know if I will ever get around to it...BTW, that would also be a good idea for you, lostva and a host of others.<P>As for dMac and Suse, I would truly hope that they are too busy with a wonderful marriage to spend a lot of time here. They were certainly "gems". <P>Luv ya, man...<P>--DeWayne--

HP<BR> I must have missed this when it was first posted 'cause I see it is more than a week old.<P>It is exactly what I needed to see today...<P>I am in a place where some initial recovery seems to have stalled with my W (WS), and this provides me some encouragment.<P>We all know the process is two steps forward and one step back, but it is good to have that reinforced and know that by sticking to it, it can work.<P>Thanks again and best of luck to you for continued recovery...<P>E<P>

<B>Elad - </B> I'm glad that this helped you. I will research your posts later to get a better feel for your situation and maybe I can reply with something more "targeted" to you.<P>I feel just as you do, I've been doing the "Texas two-step" for a long time. Even today, things aren't where I want them to be. I have lots of trouble getting W to participate. She loves me and wants to stay in the marriage, but asking her to "work" on our marriage is like herding cats. We still take two or three steps forward and one or two back.<P>I'm having lots of problems trying to get her to meet my needs. She wants to(I guess), but when I mention that I would like more demonstrations of affection, she either drags up some excuse(because she feels "attacked") or wants one or more specific actions. <P>We recently went thru this exercise. I had indicated back in Oct or Nov of last year, that I would really like it if she could give me a quick call while we were both at work. I didn't want full-blown conversations, just a "Hi, howya doin'" or somesuch. She told me at the time she could do that. Every month or two I would bring it up again and she would have no reason why she hadn't been doing it, but would reaffirm that she would. About two months ago, it came up again and she then told me, "Well, I can do that, but if I do, it will be fake". Well, what that means, I don't know, so I just told her that had she been honest when I first asked, we wouldn't have been riding on this Mary-go-round for 7 or 8 months. Anyway.....<P><BR>Later,<BR>--DeWayne--