Hello Everyone,<P>Well again I am calling in for your advice and words of wisdom.Everything that you guys have told me before has had positive results.As you pointed out from the beginning this sure is some roller coaster ride.I am trying my best to hang on but it has some major twists and turns!!!!<P>The medication has started to have some effect now,thank goodness and I am now getting stronger,no longer have suicidal feelings.Although when I have moments of complete despair I just read through all the replies from my first post and gain an incredible amount of strength from this.<P>I had an very looooong email from H today saying that although he loves me he feels as though he cannot go back.I know now it is FOG talk.He still says that there was no reason that he just upt and left,although reading between the lines I sense good old "stress and pressure" poked their ugly heads up.No excuse though for his behaviour. He feels that his action resulted in my miscarriage.I agree with this but have not said so.All I want is my marriage back on track.<P>He however has taken the step of "the best way of defence is to attack".Is this normal and if so which way shall I deal with it? So far I am kind of trying to plan A,with the advice that I have received from MB I am doing this long distance.He is bringing up stuff from several years ago,real petty stuff that would no way have any effect on a marriage. I almost think that he is looking for ANY reason to divorce,but at the same time think if he really wanted a divorce why on earth would he even want to get into this conversation?<P>I know that my situation is slightly different as there is no other person involved but I would be grateful for any advice or points of view.<P>Thank you all very much.I was surprised to see that I am now a member and no longer a junior member.Still don't feel brave enough to offer advice,but am posting lots of hugs to people.I just want you all to know that I want to give as well as recieve.<P>SAD (no longer alone)<P>((((((((((my friends))))))))

Hello again,<P>Just want to add this as an after thought.I am reading all of his behaviour and actions as signs that he really does not want to divorce.Am I seeing things as I want to rather than as it really is? Scary thought.......<P>I really don't want to go under again but don't want to create a "fairy tale" world for myself.<P>I know that no-one can answer this question.Maybe I just had to write the words to see them for myself......<P>SAD (no longer alone)

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sadandalone:<BR><B>He is bringing up stuff from several years ago,real petty stuff that would no way have any effect on a marriage.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sad - this is pretty typical of spouses grasping for reasons to explain their feelings. However, don't poo poo the possibility that some of these things can carry a lot more weight than you may think. Nonetheless, my bet is that he's rationalizing.<P>Forgive me, but I missed your reasons for being sure an affair is not in progress. His actions sure sound like alien talk.<P>Regardless, Plan A is in order for you to identify and correct whatever you were doing wrong in the marriage - no matter how trivial. Then demonstrate your changes - or describe them from a distance if you have to - and no lovebusting.<P>WAT

Hello,<P>Thanks WAT,it's always good to see other peoples opinions and to listen to advice,I wouldn't have come this far without it. I am 100% sure that there is no other person involved.Many things indicate this and throughout this "sad period" there have never been any lies.Just those "alien abductions".<P>I know that what is important to H might not be important to me,BUT,he is talking about collecting him late from the airport two years ago etc real trivial stuff. I want to respond to these things in a real positive way and I know that I must not LB and try to meet all of his needs.<P>Oh WAT I just want to do and say the right things.......<P>SAD (no longer alone)<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sadandalone:<BR><B>I just want to do and say the right things.......</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No kidding, don't we all....<P>I don't know the right things for you to say. There may not be a "right" thing. Consider validating his feelings to draw out as many "trivial" things as you can to look for some commonality; some clue to grasp a bigger issue,i.e., perhaps the little things are just symptoms of somethng bigger.<P>If no affair, an MLC? (mid life crisis) Any other "big events" coinciding with his behavior change? A job change, death in the family, crossed age barrier?<P>Sorry, I'm grasping at straws now. The thing to remember is not so much to identify what caused this, but to work on what can fix it - all the things that go towards strengthening a relationship.<P>WAT<P>

Hi Sad. Please, don't ever say 100%, just don't, k? Trust me. Say instead "I'm almost positive, I have no reason to think otherwise, etc."<P>I would have and did say 100% as well before my H's first EA. <P>I think you are doing great!! I am so glad the suicidal thoughts are almost entirely gone. Yahoo!! This is a MAJOR accomplishment - go celebrate.<P>Sad, we can't really tell you what to do/say that will be "right". All you can do is try your best, which means plan A. It is EXCELLENT that your H sent you that email, that means your plan A is working, keep it up!!<P>The stuff your H is doing is normal. Have you read the 5 stages of grieving that are on this website? (Orchid posts the link frequently), I'm sure you can find it. In between running away and reconciliation is conflict. So, hopefully your H may be going into this stage... It may not seem like it, but it is a positive step.<P>Keep it up, you are doing a great job!<BR>HbH

Back to the top...just wanted to check in today and see how you are...thinking about you.

back to the top....we haven't heard from you in a while....

all i want to do is give you a (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))))<P>and say patience, patience,patience!! can i ask one thing, what does your H do for a living?? You need to keep strong and keep the communication going, that is important. Be very glad that as of yet you have no reason to wonder if he is wandering. That in itself is a blessing. You take care of you!! thas is truly important!<BR>Maine<P>------------------<BR>IN the words of BOB the BUILDER!!" WE can fix it, yes we can!!!"