Hello all, just some more thoughts on Plan A, particular to my situation, and perhaps a few others.<P>A few months ago, I had read about Plan A and it's execution. For me, it was extremely difficult to follow, everything was just too close to home and too fresh in my mind. You can put up a front, but your partner knows you better than anyone else... they know how you feel and that you are hurting. And for some damn reason, you just _need_ to talk. You need answers and they aren't coming. You need to try and work through this, but you feel stalled, waiting for Plan A to take effect, waiting for that person to return to their pre-WS state. And all through it, you're WS just can't seem to stop hurting you, it's like every minute of indecision on their part is another dagger through your heart.<P>My WS was not living with me through my Plan A, which made it harder to meet her needs and show her the person that I am now. I turned to what I thought was Plan B. I began working on myself and giving myself distance from her. I couldn't let her hurt me anymore, it was too much. But somewhere along the line, I decided that we could be 'friends'. For me, this was a breakthrough. I could now successfully Plan A without the hurt and the pain that followed. And this is extremely important, you *must protect your heart*! I found that I could even drive her to OM's house to pick up his truck! It's just a mindset, really. (Not recommended for young children, the elderly, people under 5'4", or those with heart conditions) ;><P>This past weekend, we had to pack our things and move out of our house. We got along great. We spent a lot of time together, good quality time. The move went terribly, but through it all, we kept smiling and joking, oblivious to the down turn of events around us. She had had a bad day at work, the OM was getting jealous and upset (LB'ing big time) that she had to spend so much time with me to move our possessions. And I was there, not to probe, not to critisize that she was late or push the A in her face, just to provide a hug and encouragement that things would be better soon. I believe that this is the true meaning of Plan A. To make your WS feel safe, to show them that you are strong and can survive without them. That when their world is coming crashing down, that you are the one they want to turn to despite all that they have done to you. And to think about it, to actually be there for your WS when their fantasy ends, has to be perhaps the greatest act of love that anyone could ever show, and in time, it's something that your WS will appreciate more than you may ever know.<P>As a result, my WS is opening up more and more, I see that she is on the downward side of the A. Life is not good for her now. She sees me moving on, making the best of things and living a life without her. As I moved into a new place this weekend, I am now officially in Plan B. There is no need for further contact, but I just can't help but think that she will initiate it. She has already tried to get her mail forwarded to my new place. She knows that she can talk to me and that someday she probably will.<P>So for those of you in Plan A, some advice. Your relationship has suffered an often fatal setback, try to protect your own heart, but be open to your WS. Your own pain will be reflected in your dealings with your WS and sabotage your Plan A. Show your WS what they are missing. Be happy! Fake it until you feel it, because it will spill over into everything else, your WS will notice. But know when to draw the line. If you Plan A for too long, or in the wrong circumstance, your efforts become transparent and you will be taken advantage of. <P>The A started as a 'friendship' with the OP,... now it's your turn to be your WS's 'friend'. Build on that. When things go wrong for your WS, be that shoulder to cry on. If you're successful, the OP will notice too and start to LB, and before you know it, the vicious cycle that started the A, is working in your favor! The OP's worst nightmare is that you will stay friendly with your WS, so by all means, do it! The OP will LB with the WS and hopefully, your WS turn to you again and again, which just makes the OP LB a little more. This is exactly how the A began with the OP in the first place, except we, the BS, were the ones that were LB'ing. Now, we know better, use that to your advantage.<P>It's always hard to let go, but sometimes, it's just the act of doing it that can turn the tide in your favor. It may be what you need to get back your perspective and your happiness, and that is, after all, what drew your mate to you in the first place, wasn't it?<P>All the best to everyone,

<B>The True Meaning of Plan A?</B><BR>Total & unconditional love!<BR>However...<P><B>I found that I could even drive her to OM's house to pick up his truck!</B><BR>This does NOT mean the affair or their friendship is okay and you do not accept it nor enable it.<P><B>I believe that this is the true meaning of Plan A. To make your WS feel safe, to show them that you are strong and can survive without them.</B><BR>To make your WS feel safe, to show them that you are strong yes but Plan A is NOT about showing them you can live without them.<P>It is about showing them you are learning to understand your role in a relationship & how you can better the relationship by the things you are learning.<P><B>I am now officially in Plan B.</B><BR>Does she know this? Did you give her a Plan B letter according to SAA? Does she know WHY you are in Plan B & what you are trying to accomplish?<P><BR>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A><p>[This message has been edited by Chris (CA123) (edited July 05, 2001).]

Redon,<P>I don't have words to express my admiration for you.<P>SAD (no longer alone)

Redon:<P>You the man! I can't tell you how cool it was to read your post. And I am in nothing but agreement with you about the *attitude* of Plan A. Like Chris has observed, your variation of Plan A is a little different from the book, but I think the spirit still holds true. (I think both ways are appropriate.)<P>Your story really is an inspiration. I'm following your lead, man!<P>Take care and a million thanks,<BR>zen

Thank you, Redon! That's really what I needed today. How did you know? I wish I had read this before I posted my LB help question. THis basically answers it. <P>------------------<BR>Faith1

Thanks everyone, I can't recommend that others follow my examples because these things are too unpredictable, every situation is unique. I am also willing to accept the fact that my WS is gone. Although if the day comes that all this pans out, then I'll take it as it comes.<P>If you can find encouragement and hope in my posts, then I've accomplished my objectives; to put a little sunshine into our lives and find hope where it feels like there is none.<P>Chris, you're right, I'm not following the SAA to the letter, but I agree with zen in that I believe the spirit is there. Specifically,<P><B>To make your WS feel safe, to show them that you are strong yes but Plan A is NOT about showing them you can live without them.</B><P>I think my thoughts when I wrote this were with [H] and his story. He saw his W living life and wanted a part of that. I also don't believe that 'needing them' and thus being 'needy' is a healthy thing to show a WS. And that it tends to have the opposite of the desired effect.<P>All the best to you all,

Redon:<P>I agree with your thought that each and every Plan A must be "customized." It's great though, that once you get the basics down, the "customization" seems to come to you almost intuitively.<P>Please keep us posted on your Plan B's status. We're pulling for you...<P>-zen