Just curious...<BR>My wife is the BS...she moved out and back in with her parents. Bought a new car and is looking for a job. She says she has no intention of moving back to our home where I live, which is 3600 miles away. She will be out in about 10 days, but only for a short visit and to get more of her things. I have done all the things set forth in Surviving An Affair to end the affair, show her that I really love her and want our marriage to work. She just seems to have no hope for us, and her only thougth seems of divorce.<BR>How do I cope, and what can I do?<BR>

MH, I'm very sorry to hear about your story.<P>But,... it takes 2 to make a relationship work. As the BS, if she doesn't want to make it work, then it won't. Perhaps the best thing you can do is to just work on yourself and find reasons for why you did what you did.<P>You have no control over how she feels, as she had no control over your A. Give it some time, perhaps she will come around. Best of luck.

Maybe you should have thought about all of this before you cheated on her.<BR>Maybe now she's going to start a new life for herself and find someone really wonderful and trustworthy who will respect her and not betray her.

Redon, <BR>I have thought that through, and am prepared for the consequence of my action. I just wonder how we can begin MBing if we are in completely other states. I have said I am willing to give up my career, move, pump gas, whatever it takes. I have been reading posts from Trying2_4give, I am trying to understand what she's going through right now, so I can be a better husband. Trying2_4give, if you read this post, please help me understand this phase that she's in. It was at first remorse, devastation, but recently Anger and Rage, she wants only to hurt me with every word she says.<BR>I just want her back with all of my heart.<BR>

mh:<P>Your wife being out of the state definitely places an impediment in recovering the marriage. Has she read <I>Surviving an Affair</I> and read the material on this site? If not, perhaps now is the time to play that card, AND to sincerely tell her that you are 100-percent ready to give the MB principles your 150-percent effort.<P>Her returning gives you an opportunity: Tell her that you know you have caused her a grievous and undeserved wound. A wound that you wish to spend a lifetime healing. Tell her that you want to get counseling together, etc. Beyond being totally honest with her, putting it all out there, it is then her decision.<P>rc:<P>Given your response, do you delight in pouring salt on slugs?<P>

We just spoke on the phone. She (BS) thinks we need to not talk as much, probably right. The conversations end up sad and desolate. She is so bitter and angry. I know that she has to get passed this stage before we can heal, but the waiting is the worst. She says her feelings for me are dead, she misses me less and less everyday, but she doesn't know whether or not she still loves me and that is whats keeping her from filing for divorce. <BR>She also talks about how boys are whistling at her, and giving her attention, I suppose that is just lashing out at me. I know I deserve anything that she throws at me. I guess I just want to hear that little spark of hope, that something that I can build on! Maybe the fact that she hasn't filed yet is just that. I told her that I am committed to doing anything to rebuild this broken marriage, that I love her with all of my heart. I am starting to write her letters. The kind I use to when we were just dating. Nothing romantic, just my heart. <BR> She's not going to stay with me when she comes out, just a friend who is ironically having her own marital problems...nice. I don't know if she wants to see me, have dinner, even talk to me and I am honestly just too afraid to ask.

mh:<P>By all means ask to meet with her. You stand to gain in so doing.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Wow MissingHer, your wife sounds like my twin! I was sooooo angry and I definitely maid my husband pay for it by the words I would say! I do have a terrible anger, and when someone hurts me then I strike back. I have noticed a change though due to MB! Right now, you are correct your wife is going to do whatever it takes to hurt you like you hurt her. But the thing that she will someday realize is that no words that she says can ever equal the amount of pain that a BS feels. It's like this she loves you but she hates what you have done and in her mind, she doesn't have to be nice and make this work you do. She is telling you about other guys to get you jealous, she is spewing anger at you to see how much you can take. The more you take the better she feels about herself, as if she is winning a victory by belittling you. I think at this point she is so consumed in anger that you need to take a step back and give her some space so that you can get yourself together. I don't know your story, how the affair happened, how long, but I think you need to address those issues before trying to go back into a marriage with unanswered questions. Right now you are afraid of wife closing you out of her life so you are saying and doing anything and everything in your power to get her back. Ok, so what happens when she comes back, what changes have been made in the marriage to help that this doesn't happen again. You can't say OH I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN, emotions just don't work that way. How did OW make you feel that you didn't get from W? Take a week, of no calling w, no begging, no pleading to really think about WHY this happened. Not only are you taking this week for you, but it will show your W that you can give her space (though i really don't think she wants it, i know I didn't, I just wanted to see what H reactions would be of me telling him to let me go.....games, games and more games). First find out WHAT the problem is before pushing it in the past. What about counseling?

Trying2_4give, <BR>I would love to pick your brain. You sound so much like her and the things that you feel are so valid. I have a plethora of questions. How long does this stage last?, what if she just doesn't believe there is hope, ever?<BR>The affair was only physical a couple times and was short, less than six months, OW lived in another state. <BR>I posted about 5 days ago, explaining more about my story, but I would go over it again if it would help you get a better picture. I have growing hope and am getting stronger everyday, but I know I will never be complete without my wife. I love her with all of my heart.