Everytime I see WS husband and somtimes when talking on the phone, I end up LB'ing all over the place. Crying, and getting into the same old discussions. I've probably done it for the last time tonight anyway, because I'm sure he won't want to see me again. Since I am afraid I will LB explode again, Do I just need to avoid seeing him? I can control myself better on the phone now, but when we are together, it hurts so bad. I cannot fulfill his EN's when I see him in person right now. I need to keep working on my self-control and anger and pain management. I am afraid I really messed up tonight, so I may not even get another chance to try to Plan A. Someone said on another post that we will KNOW it when we are ready to move to Plan B - I'm not ready. I truly feel I can Plan A a little longer. <P>SO then my Question - if I can't control myself in person, do I need to LEARN or just avoid him for now until I learn? <P>P.S. we don't work together, he has moved out and we have no kids, AND the counselor told him he needed to choose between the marriage and the OW before coming back to him. This is what caused the big LB tonight. The only time I would HAVE to see him is when he comes to get some of his stuff this weekend.<P>------------------<BR>Faith1

Hi Faith,<P>I'm not aware of your story, when was d-day?<P>Just my suggestion, but if it was fairly recent, I would spend time away. If the wounds are too fresh, and you can't help but LB, then don't have contact for now. Give yourself a bit of time to get things straight with yourself so that the sting is a little less painful. So that when you see him, your first instinct isn't to go into those 'same old discussions'. Sometimes time is what it takes. Once you can get to a level of confidence in yourself and you stop obsessing about the A, then try some little contacts with him, test yourself to see if you can talk about anything but the A. Discuss some funny incident that happened to you recently. Try to be happy, or appear that way. After a few successful contacts with him, he may respond positively to you, which will feed further contact with him.<P>You want him to feel that he can talk to you or see you without being beat on the head with the A. Don't try and 'fix' things at this point, as it seems that they aren't ready to be 'fixed'. Build a rapport, make each time you see him count in a friendly, positive way, and sooner or later, he will be more receptive to talking about things and working on your problems.<P>He probably doesn't want to see you cry, he doesn't want to talk about the A, he may not even be letting you meet his ENs. Once you get past the point where you are no longer LB'ing, only then can you have a good, solid Plan A.<P>All the best, Faith.

Faith:<P>Be your namesake! You've got to have faith in the process and just let yourself go to it. Work on you, and if Plan A'ing him is really tough, fake it best you can. My W won't really let me Plan A her... she sort of allows me to Plan A a bit in certain areas. One major LB for us is when I get jealous or "smother" her, so now that the A is in the open, I'm no longer getting "upset" by it. I just smile and reiterate how I want it to stop, but I don't LB. I Plan A. Plan B may get here one day, but if so, I'll just keep smiling, cause that's my choice...<P>Be sure to read Redon's Plan A post down below.. It's inspiring!<P>Best to you,<BR>zen

Faith1:<P>You sort of answer your own question: you have to work on the LBing. In addition to helping a marriage, the MB philosophy is also about working on ourselves.<P>That aside: remember one of the major points of Plan A is to fulfill the emotional needs of your WS, to the detriment of the OP. If you LB, you detract from this approach and actually set it back, for now the WS can go to the OP and say, "See, they really are a b*******, and you are so understanding (fill in the fogese ad nauseum here)". The whole purpose of avoiding LBs is to not give them this type of justification<P>So by adhering to Plan A and Plan B, despite whatever final outcome, you will have grown immeasurably. And that is always something worth striving for.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Thank you all so much. I just get quite overwhelmed sometimes at all the work and how incredibly HARD it is. To avoid LB's when the pain is soooo great. I know everything you are telling me - I guess we all do - but IF we really understood it all and were able to APPLY it, we wouldn't need a posting board like this would we? I will keep working on myself, take small steps with my H, and keep hanging in there. YOur words have encouraged me to run the race a little longer.<P>D-day? well... H left 7 weeks ago, then 2 weeks later came home and confessed to A (so 5 weeks since confession), stayed home 2 weeks, then moved out. Still in EA with OW, not sure about PA.<P>------------------<BR>Faith1

Faith1:<P>That's why you can LB here to your heart's content. So you don't have to do that with your WS. Vent, recharge, recover, implement. That's what we are all here for.<P>Prayers for you and your family,<BR>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Dear Faith,<P>I have been sending this thread a lot out lately. Not sure if I already sent it to you but here goes. When I felt like you did (about 4 months ago), I LB'd and didn't care. Still don't. Why? Because I was angry, justifiably so and H knew it. What I said and did was the truth, just a bit blunt but no more blunt that the awful A right in front of my eyes. <P>Anyway, this thread helped me see where I was at and where I needed to be. It is called the 5 stages of grieving. It helps break up our situation into smaller stages/steps and makes reaching goals of bettering our selves easier. <P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html</A> <P>Don't get me wrong, I love my H and still do, however, H was being disrespectful and for some crazy reason could not stop himself. H could see he was being a fool but he just couldn't stop. You kind of feel sorry for them on the other hand angry so much of their foolishness is directed at the BS. Like a puppet on a string is how H seemed in OW's hands. She manipulated much of his actions all the while making him think it was his idea to keep putting me down. Gotta give that OW credit for that. She must be graduated magma cum loud (in fogese) from the OW school of A's. <P>Note: What some consider an LB in plan A may not actually be one in plan B. Hm......<P>Remember throught out this ordeal, to respect yourself. Don't resort to demeaning yourself in an effort to keep your WS. They don't appreciate it and it does not make you look good. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P>

Thank you all. I am soooo sad. I cried so much last night. I hate being alone. I hate feeling like there's nothing I can do to fix this. I hate everything he says to me about how he pereives our past. I can't believe he's in such a fog and says the things he says. <P>I'm sort of wonderng though, after reading SadDad's posts, that maybe I didn't LB as much as I thought I did last night. I was expressing my pain, and it's the first time he acknowledged my pain and actually apologized for hurting me. It didn't make me feel any better when he did. But I really don't think I nagged, preached (maybe a tad), talked bad about OW (talked about her in a respectful way), wasn't angry, didn't beg... the only thing was the crying. <P>Am I crazy? One minute, I'm so depressed and crying and I want to do mean things to him and his stuff that's still at home. I want to box up all of our wonderful fun memories and pictures and give it to him and say "here's all the memories of your so-called "unhappy" marriage. I don't want them." The next minute I'm remembering all the MB principles and your wonderful advice, and I love him and want to Plan A plan A plan A, and feel confident that I can. And I pray pray pray for strength, peace and comfort for myself, and wisdom and insight for my H.<P>Guess I am just venting a bit, so I don't go insane. thanks.<P><BR>------------------<BR>Faith1<p>[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited July 06, 2001).]

Faith1:<P>Vent away here!<P>And as you said, "Plan, plan A, plan A."<P>You can use that as a mantra to chant when you feel anger or despair overtaking you. Plus, you can come here to let it all hang out.<P>Thoughts and prayers with you,<BR>Godspeed,<BR>STL