Well, tomorrow's my birthday, and as you may have read yesterday, my W had already rejected my suggestion for us to do anything tomorrow or the weekend. What's more, she said she's going to be with the OM. Much LB'ing ensued, but then I seemed to get back to OK with her last night, in a Plan A groove.<P>We didn't talk today, but she came home this evening with my presents and she and my step-daughter gave them to me before the little girl had to go to spend the weekend with her dad. They were pretty good presents.<P>Anyway, after the little one left, we had an upbeat, friendly conversation. She also gave me a copy of our sep agreement that she drafted today with all of the changes that I had requested in it. (That's a whole 'nother post coming tomorrow.) We chatted a little more and it was all smiles, upbeat. I said I was again sorry about my reactions yesterday and that I was here for her as her friend, that I would never again give her any feeling of "smotheredness, " that it was ok for her to talk about the OM with me. I then said I was leaving, and she said she would probably not see me again until Sunday night. I somehow smile and say ok, see you, and she breaks out in this huge smile and says "Happy Birthday" (I was really sort of struck dumb by the juxtaposition of these two ideas) and hugs me tightly. I had been moving away and she moved to hug me. This is an unusual move these days. I hugged back and then got the hell out of there.<P>What is this? I'm cramming in SAA tonight, but I'd love to have any thoughts or observations from you. Should I have been more "gently disapproving" of her going off for the weekend? I mean, she already KNOWS that I disapprove.<P>I'm trying to be like Redon. Whatcha think?<P>Thanks,<BR>zen

Zen,<P>Same Shi# different W.<P>It's the fog, confusion, emotional blender they have in their brains. <P>Don't look to deep into it, she still loves you and has her cake and eat it to. When you hit plan B she will get it.<P><BR>Chin up, good night and remember tomorrows a new day.<P>JK<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by zen:<BR><B>Well, tomorrow's my birthday, and as you may have read yesterday, my W had already rejected my suggestion for us to do anything tomorrow or the weekend. What's more, she said she's going to be with the OM. Much LB'ing ensued, but then I seemed to get back to OK with her last night, in a Plan A groove.<P>We didn't talk today, but she came home this evening with my presents and she and my step-daughter gave them to me before the little girl had to go to spend the weekend with her dad. They were pretty good presents.<P>Anyway, after the little one left, we had an upbeat, friendly conversation. She also gave me a copy of our sep agreement that she drafted today with all of the changes that I had requested in it. (That's a whole 'nother post coming tomorrow.) We chatted a little more and it was all smiles, upbeat. I said I was again sorry about my reactions yesterday and that I was here for her as her friend, that I would never again give her any feeling of "smotheredness, " that it was ok for her to talk about the OM with me. I then said I was leaving, and she said she would probably not see me again until Sunday night. I somehow smile and say ok, see you, and she breaks out in this huge smile and says "Happy Birthday" (I was really sort of struck dumb by the juxtaposition of these two ideas) and hugs me tightly. I had been moving away and she moved to hug me. This is an unusual move these days. I hugged back and then got the hell out of there.<P>What is this? I'm cramming in SAA tonight, but I'd love to have any thoughts or observations from you. Should I have been more "gently disapproving" of her going off for the weekend? I mean, she already KNOWS that I disapprove.<P>I'm trying to be like Redon. Whatcha think?<P>Thanks,<BR>zen</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

zen:<P>In the terms of your handle: you showed true enlightenment. At some future time, however, it would be honest if you again reiterated your disapproval of OM; but in the context of "I" and not the accusatory "you" ... talk of the pain it is causing you; to see the one you love behaving in this way, etc. Tell her also that you are trying to work to fulfill her needs. Ask her: How can I meet your needs?<P>Plan A to the hilt.<P>As to the contradictory behavior: that is what the fog is all about. Realize it for what it is, and proceed accordingly.<P>[Edited because I omitted wishing you the happiest birthday possible. STL]<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL<p>[This message has been edited by SeenTheLight (edited July 05, 2001).]

Zen,<P>How do you do this? You are incredible. <P>I read a post in the last few days in which an ex-WS (wife) said that to a WS saying that you love them can be a love buster. But letting them have time with the OM was seen as a loving act. She was explaining how screwed up her head was when she was in the fog.<P>Perhaps this is what happened. You pulled back and gave her the space she’s been wanting. It made her happy. <P>I know that hurts, but you know, it seems that the sooner she has to depend on him for all of her EN’s the sooner you will find out if this affair is going to die a natural death. I believe it will because she choose you once before over money. You have something that she needs. She is just lost right now.<P>Right now concentrate on yourself and become a better person. If this affair does end, she will need you to be strong. <P>Z<BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

As always, thanks to you all.. You're saints...<P>I'm going to Plan A the best I can over the next week as it's my last at home... Then on to Plan A from my cool new apartment...<P>Got a big looming question to run by you guys tomorrow... But for now, good night... and thanks again.<P>-zen

Hi Zen!<P>Pretty annoying isn't it? She feels 'smothered' because you disapprove of her A? Hehehehe, total foghead. I think she knows how you feel. Have you satisfied yourself that you've told her what you need to about the A?<P>If yes, then give Plan A the best you've got. Your time to leave a lasting impression is almost over. I think you're on the right track here. Remember, your relationship is hanging by a thread, careful not to cut it yourself.<P>Once you get that shiny new apt, (like I have!) then it's all for you, bud! Be patient, and give it some time, she'll probably start to initiate contact with you. I really hope this works out, keep us posted. And of course, all the best,