This has been a fruitful couple of days...<P>H came over yesterday and we spent evening with some couples we have known for almost 10 years...all of our children are about the same age and have been 'raised' together.<P>I already bragged about my grocery shopping...well I have some more...<P>H asked if there was anymore water to put in fridge. I said, yeah, I bought a couple of new ones when I went shopping and put one in fridge. He said when? There isn't one in there...I opened fridge and there it was. I said okay, if you say there isn't. He went to fridge and said, 'that wasn't there before.' (to Zen--a memento!) I kept doing whatever it was I was doing and didn't respond...now a few months ago, that conversation would have produced a row to beat all rows....I'm sure you can picture it..."I told you there was water in there...why do you have to dispute everything I say....yada yada yada...<P><BR>Today, <BR>middle son lost it again...we actually had a very nice morning and made it until after lunch...but he threw another huge tantrum so I called H and, I'll confess I did LB... I selfishly demanded that he 'Get over here and do something about MS, I can't take it anymore'...some more yelling and screaming...(MS is just over the top...hitting, cursing...throwing things at me..doesn't do it when H is here). MS refuses to talk to H on phone so older son does for a minute. I calm down and collect myself...I apologize for outburst...but explain that this has been happening since he left and I need some assistance. (I have told him about outbursts, but he hasn't taken them seriously.)<P>Then he gets all self-righteous...oh, so this is happening because I left? All he needs is a little discipline...I get very quiet and almost whisper...I did not say this was because you left...I believe discipline is not what he needs but reassurance and explanation from you why you aren't sleeping here. [beyond the quest stuff he told them ]. So then he goes on a tangent about how he can come back and be miserable and so can the rest of us.<P>I said you know, I understand you are trying to figure things out...however, since you have left to be by yourself and get things done, I would like you to know that I am also not able to get things done. I would like to do some deep cleaning and sorting and organizing, but between referring boys, feeding them and maintainance, I can't get ahead...but I am supposed to understand this...I guess in situations like this I am not supposed to call you? We should not 'interfere' with your life? (this was said very quietly and matter-of-factly.)<P>This caused H to go ballistic on phone about how now I should understand what he's feeling, how I always said he never did anything...yada yada yada...<P>Again, very quietly I said, I understand what you are saying. I have already owned up to and apologized for my actions and words back then, I understand about lovebusters and such...BUT we can stay in the past or we can put to use the stuff I have learned and YOU can get what YOU want and need and I can get what I want and need and our children can get what they need and deserve.<P>Dead silence. I'll be there in a few minutes. Hang up.<P>I will admit I need to control my initial anger reactions to somethings...but I am getting so much better at using I statements and, as Orchid as suggested, repeating to H the things he is saying to me...<P>We are going to beach tomorrow...we are supposed to continue to talk about 'stuff.' <P>Cali

{{{{{hug}}}}}}<P>You are doing great though it may not be easy for you to see that right now.<P>I'm off to bed but just wanted to stop by and give you a pat on the back.<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Cali:<P>Ditto here. Stay the course (and bite thy tongue <smile> ).<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Hi Cali. Yes, you are getting much better, I can tell by your replies. Still needs a little work though. LOL. You are getting there.<P>FYI, when my daughter was 4 she used to throw horrendous temper tantrums/fits. She would kick,punch, scream, everything. I would try putting her someplace to calm down and she just would turn around and run after me, trying to hit me more. Try going to parentsoup.com, they have some chatrooms that really helped me deal with my daughter. The best advice I received was to role-play with my daughter. When she was in a good mood, we would pretend that she started getting angry and we would talk about things she could do to calm down and she would role-play them. For her, being by herself worked wonders so she would go on the couch or something. She hated going to her room to calm down so we stopped that. This also helped me because I found out she needed me to just ignore her because when I tried to talk or something when she was in her mood it would just get her madder. <P>(FYI, my daughter also only did this TO ME, not my H. At first I did a horrible job dealing with this, tried EVERYTHING, nothing worked, so I can relate...)<P>Good luck. Hope the beach goes well tomorrow.<BR>HbH