My new counselor gave me a book to read. It is "Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction" by Patrick Carnes, PhD. Coincidentely, I had just read part of another book, "Don't Call it Love" by the same author. I highly recommend both books. They deal with the idea of sexual addiction and why addicts do what they do. The book helped me to understand a little about my husband's behavior, but it really had a lot to say about my behavior also. Dr. Carnes talks a lot about coaddictive behavior and coaddicts. I was amazed at how many of the coaddictive traits fit me exactly! This is one thing that really scares me about myself and something that I want to work on with the counselor. <P>Here is a partial listing of coaddictive traits he gives on p. 130-131:<BR>concealing behavior of the addict<BR>protecting the addict from consequences of behavior<BR>denial of the obvious<BR>alibis, excuses, and justifications to others<BR>feelings of responsibility for the addict's behavior<BR>self-righteous criticism and judgment of the addict<BR>efforts to confront the addict with his or her "problem"<BR>feelings of superiority to the addict<BR>overlooking the addict's behavior<BR>distrust of others outside the family because of the addict<BR>rationalizing the addict's behavior<BR>fantasizing and obsession about the addict's problem<BR>belief that if the addict changed, all problems would disappear<BR>strategies to control sexual activity of the addict<BR>being sexual with the addict to prevent the addict from being sexual with others<BR>intense mood swings from high to low<BR>loss of self-esteem or self-respect<BR>changes in eating or sleeping patterns<BR>decreased ability to work or function<P>This is less than half of the list. I just wanted you to get a sampling. <P>The book talks about the cycle of addiction; what constitutes addiction and recovery from addiction. It uses a "12-step" approach.<P>The reason I picked up the book "Don't Call it Love" even before I went to see the counselor is that it has been becoming more and more obvious that our problem is much more than just a "marriage" problem. Regardless of whether I stay with my husband or not, which I am still undecided about, I need to take care of some issues that have been part of my life for a long time. Leaving him won't solve those issues and saying "Ok, I forgive you, let's pretend the ten-year homosexual affair never happened and get on with our lives" won't solve the problem, either.<P>I know that I am in a completely different situation than most of you. My husband wants to stay together. I am undecided, but leaning towards leaving. These books have made me aware that he has more issues that he needs to deal with and overcome and so do I. <P>A healthy marriage can exist only between two healthy people, and we are not there, yet. <P>I hope that some of you will read this book and that it will be as enlightening for you as it has been for me.<P>TGIF!!
