My H and OM work in the same building.. my H had some "business" to discuss with other man... he didn't have to really, but chose to. It went really well, then OM apologized to him for what happened. My H seemed relieved and ok with their conversation.. but later, he laid into me like he hasn't in a long time. He said he didn't hate OM anymore.. just me. He said he wanted to punish me so badly, but knew there was nothing he could do. He said that he has always been in control of his life, and he couldn't stand knowing he couldn't control this. I really believe that is why he keeps me on a roller coaster and slams me every now and then.. because keeping me upset is the only thing he can do. I'm going to talk to Dr. Harley on Monday.. I need some advice on how to handle it. He goes from one extreme to the other throughout the day, every day... and it is driving me insane.

Hi Leighannn, I don't really have any help for you except this <<<<<<<<<<<<<<HUG>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><P>I am sorry that you are going through this. I have been very lucky that my H has been very supportive of me and although he is very angry, he doesn't really ever bring it up ... I do that, and kind of give him "updates". <P>I am sure Dr. Harley will have some good advice for you. I sent my H to this site the day I told him and he read about not attacking me, and withdrawal, etc. and I think he would have been that way on his own, but the site really helped him initially.<P>I will be thinking of you. Take care. (My H still hasn't seen the OM, should be interesting ... after initial (non-sex) admission of guilt on my part, they saw each other and it was ROUGH, I am worried about the first time they see eachother now, my H hates OM). -AMM

Leighann,<BR> Remember Dr. Harley's words on forgiveness. It all comes with time. Follow the guidelines Dr. Harley has laid out for you on forgiveness--THEY WORK! It may sound radical to some but complete honesty with your H is important for your recovery.<BR>I know it is difficult to understand and to be on that emotional rollercoaster but you created that monster. Your H is on this ride and needs your help. I did slam my H many, many, many times over the last 2 years but have come to understand that most of it was me testing him. Does he love me enough to stick through all of this? or is he going to do it again. These are my fears not his. Now, we are working on 'afair proffing our marriage' The anger does dissipate and more 'control' over your daily emotions return. Keep depositing love units. Thanks for helping those of us on the wounded side understand.<BR>God Bless<BR>JuJu

I have no doubt that my H is testing me.. He has spent our whole marriage testing me.. but, I think that his slamming me, after 8 months... almost every single day.. it's getting to where the words roll off my back some. How many times can he say the same things to me.. and what good is it doing? He wants me to suffer.. I have no doubt. I have people telling me I am crazy to listen to it every day.. that I need to tell him "that's enough."... but I try to listen, I try to let him vent, I let him tear me apart.. but it seems there is no end in sight. I feel like my life is wasting away on this constant grief and sadness.. and I want to hold on so badly.<P>It takes a mature person to face the OP... I have no doubt of that. I was proud of him for that. I think it helps to face it.. to face that person, and at least let them know how they hurt you. I'll just be so glad when Mr. Hyde leaves our house.

It's very hard for the WS to understand the BS spouse feelings. The one betrayed has been hurt with the deepest hurt. I am the BS and feel the same maybe as your husband inside but just hide these feelings. It is very difficult to get over the fact that your wife has slept with some other guy. In all cultures this was frowned upon and often punishable by death. So it used to be considered a very serious crime. These days people get off easy because they only have to listen to some verbal abuse. But practically speaking we have our limits whether we are responsible for causing this or not. You have to decide if the marriage can survive or not and if you still want to live under these conditions. Your husband has to understand his feelings are normal but they need to be controlled eventually but the past cannot be changed. There isn't much you can do to have your husband trust you now. It is a matter of time I would say. My relationship with my wife is pretty good but for the past 5 months the thing my wife did has been on my mind every single day and almost every minute of the day and night. Only I try not to give her a hard time but sometimes because of some criticism I might receive like talking to another lady too long, my anger about what she did comes out because I didn't do this to her, she did it to me. For me I might be paranoid of a repeat. I realize my wife has no such intentions. Maybe you also don't have such intentions. The best thing is to constantly talk about this I think. Well it depends on how the talks are taken. If the talks result in anger then nothing can be gained. Maybe you should dig up a bunch of articles about forgiveness for your husband. Even the worst crimes seem to get forgiven so why not what you did? Maybe you need to ask your husband how long he thinks it will be before you can move forward and rebuild the marriage that has been severely damaged? Maybe his answer will tell you if the marriage can be rebuilt? Suffering for ten years does not seem like a good thing. For murder people get three years and then go free. Ask you husband how much punishment you deserve and what you can do now to help him? Maybe he needs an outside person to talk to. Maybe someone from this group can Email him like another BS husband. If there is no other outlet for his anger then it will keep coming back to you. For you it is hard to understand your husband's feelings. For him it is very hard to understand why you did what you did.

Rodger, I agree with most of what you said.. except the part about it's hard to get over that your "wife slept with some other guy..." and "in most cultures it's punishable by death..." This goes back again.. to for some reason, it seems to be more acceptable for a man than for a woman to be the WS. Women are supposed to accept that men are like that.. that men do things like that.. and that makes me angry. I don't think that most spouses who do this intend to hurt their husband or wife.. everyone has a breaking point, emotions can take over to the point that you feel you can do nothing to fight them.. and eventually reality hits again. Women are just as vulnerable, and probably moreso nowadays with the burdens placed on them. I wish my H could forgive... and I've tried all that (the articles)- he just says he's "different" and can't. He says his ego won't let him.. which, again goes back to the "man thing." I wish he could control his thoughts... I don't mind talking to him..not at all, but he attacks me so often. So relentlessly.. he tries to make me feel as low as he can. I have asked and asked him what I can do.. he says nothing.. and I know that..there is nothing. Time is all that will heal. But I am in my mid 30's and don't want to spend the next several years reeling in this..day after day after day. I want to be happy again.. and I want him to be happy too. We do ok about 1/2 the time.. maybe less. The good times are really good, but the bad times are really bad. I'm hoping Dr. Harley can help me with knowing how long this should go on.

Hi Leighann,<P>Well I wonder if your husband can realize your good points. You did bad, very very bad. But none of us are perfect. I am sure you have many good qualities and that is why your husband married you in the first place. Would he rather see you in the arms of another man the rest of your life being very very happy? This would be very easy for you to do. Women who have finally given up have moved on to new realtionships and have never looked back. SO you husband has to forget his male ego. Yes you are right, our culture promotes the idea of a male having an affair. But of the lady does it it is considered the worst thing on the face of the earth. There should be equal treatment of male and female on this issue. I agree with you on this point. Soon your husband has to decide if he really wants you or not. It doesn't help anything what he is doing. The basic question is does he want you now or not. If yes, then he must change and change fast. You are young. Many women these days can make a fresh start when they are in their mid thirties, match up with someone good and have a very fufilling life. Does your husband want this? Your husband has to realize that before the "thing" and after the "thing" you were and are a good woman. He has to look at your good qualities and appreciate these. As a man I am sure he has had all the sexual urges for a female that you had when you had the affair. I am sure of it. Was he a perfect virgin when you met him? If not then why not? You have your limits so don't go beyond them. You are young, you are trying hard to mend a marriage but it takes two people to do it. If your husband cannot give up his feelings of anger for you then you need to do something else.

Leighann,<P>I am struggling through the same thing as you. I can see how hard it is. I have been completely honest with my H. since day one and somedays he's really nice and we can talk about life. I never mention the A., I let him mention it every other day. My H. has a very, very hard time with forgiveness, but I hang on. I know exactly how you're feeling. Today I am in a good mood so I guess I'm letting the positive out. I don't know about your A., but mine was a little weird. I had the A. with my H. friend. It really pisses me off though, because my H. told me last month that they made a bet as to if he could get me to have an A. My H. told him I would never do that, so he could try???What!! Ok, so then he tells his friend every single detail about my life and doesn't allow me to go around other people, all I ever see is him and his friend and occassionally some of my girlfriends. To make a long story short three times I called him because I was so stressed I was sick and didn't know who to call. The last time I really talked to him was when the A. happened. The OM and my H. both say I was possessed and I want to agree, but that's shifting blame and only I made the decision I did. Look, I wanted to share my story with you and tell you something. It's harder than hell to get battered down all of the time, but let him know what it's doing to both of you. I am numb sometimes now and turn away. Talk about it calmly if you can. My H. has seen the OM since and he hates him. Put on a happy face. My advice-tell him it's ok to be upset about it but if all he can do is throw it in your face, than maybe you need to sit down and have a what is good about us and what is bad. Make up your lists together and see where it goes. My prayers are with you.