Yesterday my H had off. He took our girls to sitter. He said he had things to do. I went home for lunch. I noticed the movies he rented the night before that we never watched were gone. I immediately thought he was probably at her house. On my way back to work I drove past there. Here was his truck parked close by her garage so you could not see it from the road. I had a 3:00pm w/ Dr. Harley. I told him everything that was going on. He still didn't want separation. He said continue with Plan A. I really have my doubts. I can't get any attention from my H at all.<BR>These are things he doesn't know that I know: Letters/card from OW saying she loves him, needs him, wants him, God is bringing them together, she has the "connection" with him now, He needs to find his "self" & don't lose it, she's happy, she wants to raise their children together; I found another note too that he's going to his 2nd lawyer appointment on July 10, I know he stops there at OW a lot plus calls her. <P>Last night we went to friends house. He was uneasy. He would walk off or try to avoid me & others. He walked around like a lost puppy. On the way home he asked me to smell him. I said he smelled okay. When we got home we did some sparklers with our twin girls. I got the girls cleaned up ready for bed. My H washed his face and put deoderant on. He put a different nice shirt on & asked me to come in the kitchen. He took my hands & prayed. He asked God to bring compasion in our lives. He prayed to help us understand things we needed to do & to helps us down the many roads to come. When he was done he had tears running down his face. I reminded him I love him & the girls love him & we want him as a part of our family. I said it hurts when he leaves. He said he knows but he misses something terrible & he's really hurt & sad & he needs to have some "time out" I told him we missed him & are praying for him. He said he prays for me too. I asked what he was missing & he said I wouldn't understand. He put some cologne on & left. I said be careful. He said he wasn't drinking because he wanted a clear mind. <P>I read some more of the "Surviving an Affair" book. I wish my H would read it but right now nothing with get through to him. When he got home, he got into bed & asked me if I was sleeping. He asked me to roll over & talk. He asked me how work was going. He said he went for a drive & went to river. He said he also talked to someone he has not talked to in a while. He said he wanted to be honest with me. I asked who, he said OW. (I know this was not true because I saw him at her house earlier yesterday) He said OW's best friend was there watching movies. He said they just talked about work. Then he kissed me passionately. I told him I missed him, he said he missed me too. I said I loved him, he said he loved me too. I said I wish I could tell him so much. I said he has the only key to my heart & that I will love him & will always be here for him. <P>I know he was just being nice & said those things to make him feel better about lying & being there. I know he is having a tough time & I don't know how I can get through to him. He won't talk to anyone but OW. I'm scared because I think he's convinced himself he's getting a divorce. He does everything to turn off his feelings for me. He used to call me all the time at work. He doesn't do that anymore. He used to pray that God bring love back into our family now I think he's asking God to help me & his family understand the decision he has made to move on. My H has probably told the OW that he doesn't know if he can or will ever feel those feelings again with me. Which made him convinced he can't he's tried too many years. Now the only thing left to do is divorce. He's very thick headed & probably won't want to change his mind now since he already told the OW he's done w/ marriage. We used to be so close, we were an exceptional couple. Now he's turning off everything. Sometimes he doesn't even say Hi or bye. Even if it doesn't work with the OW he will still find someone else. It's like he's single now again. He really cares how he looks & smells. Except for around me. He really wants to be impressive. I can see that he likes the new "Him" & the excitement of having someone else to give him new a good conversation. It's like he's 18 again. He will be 33. I can not give him that same excitement he is now longing for. I know I would probably like it too to talk to someone different & new more exciting than my H but I don't allow myself to do that because I have what I want, my H. When you marry & have children you change become more mature. He's become more alive immature acting sometimes like when he was single. I've known him all my life, we lived in same small town & went to same school. I definately notice these changes which scare me & make me think there's little hope. I see him with no HOPE. I don't think he will ever be able to give up the OW. They work the same shift & have the same days off. He really doesn't have a normal job. He sees a lot of sinful things & as a Police Officer he has many temptations. In this line of work divorce & affairs are common. My H has been seeking advise from people who have already failed at marriage including the OW. She has been separated from her H for 18 months. He talks to people who are divorce & have children. He came home one day & said this Officer gets along better with his wife now than when they were married. He goes there 2-3 times a week to eat supper with his ex-wife & daughter. He can see his daughter whenever he wants & doesn't pay that much child support. He's also talked to the Police Departments Chaplan. This isn't your normal Pastor. His wife just left him for another man. His adivise would probably be that God would NOT want him to stay in a marriage that he hated or had no feelings for and found those he was missing from someone else. God will forgive & family will eventully come around. I wish my H could just know that the OW is happy that she's the Home Wrecker & she doesn't care. My H said it's not about the OW he said he has felt this way for sometime. I believe this & I am scared he won't even want to try "us" again even if it doesn't work with the OW. He said straight out why else would he have had an affair if our marriage wasn't already over. I feel NOTHING for you. He keeps saying its NOT GOOD AT ALL. It REALLY scares me when he says this. I have run out of ideas. I am a boring person. I don't know how to spice myself up. I am quiet and a little bashfull. Everyone who know about my H & OW tell me they are behind me 150%. They said my H is stupid, he has beautiful twin girls, a beautiful wife, a beautiful home, nice family & everything is going for us. We worked hard to get where we are at to just have him throw it all away. But my H said straight out he's dead inside and NOTHING means anything to him. He said I made him dead inside. I've kept him from his family at times & I have disrespected them. He said I killed him. I know I have done some of these things But I'm not an evil person. I know I have probably presented a situation to make him do what he did but am not the entire cause. My H works a lot & has to sleep a lot. There's A LOT of work to do on our acreage plus we have VERY active five year old Twin girls. I'm not happy with him either when he's tired all the time. I would like to have a more romantic Marriage too. What exactly is marriage anyway? It's not all Love, passion. You need it but it's a lot about committment and a partnership. I've even told my H how many marriages go through this, he said I know THOUSANDS, but he seems to think he still doesn't want to work on "us" he's not going to fall into trying to fix something that just won't work because he's tried for years. I NEVER knew he felt this way. He said he's asked to go to counseling but I NEVER heard him ask me. I was the one who started it & I still am continuing without him. He's not willing. He understands what Dr. Harley says but he wants to see results I think before he tries. He sometimes just stares at me or hugs me tight he gets tears in his eyes. I feel like he's trying to say good-bye. He stares at me trying REALLY HARD to make himself feel something for me but doesn't. This scares me when he does this. He said he's trying VERY hard. He said he doesn't want to hurt me. My H is VERY soft hearted. He said to me he doesn't know how to get out of this mess. I wish he would talk to Dr. Harley so he could explain it to my H. He just goes to the OW to get her help because she's been through it. He said she's helped him a lot to see the light. I'm in a NO WIN situation. How can I get out of this mess? This OW has everything a man would want. She's racked & stacked. She has time to take good care of herself. I am not racked & stacked but I am a lady. The OW has a reputation for being a BIG flirt. She has even gotten in trouble at work for this. I hate to listen to what people say about her. My H doesn't believe ANY of the rumors. He said people just talked bad because she was the one who left the marriage & moved her kids in another house. He said he's behind her 100%. She even wrote in a letter to my H that he has brought out the real her. She said she knows a lot of people do not like her. She said she puts up a BIG front to everyone else because she doesn't want to let anyone in & to get to know her. She said she NEVER had someone make her feel like my H makes her feel. She makes him feel so vulnerable. My H lives in her. She has all the right & nice things to say in all the right ways. I'm not good at words like that. How could I have a good come back to this? Please give me suggestions.<BR>I've heard a lot of bad things about the OW from VERY respectable people who's seen her in action. I can't repeat this to my H because he will just go right back to her. He even said if he could just catch her in a lie. I know it's not right to seek this information to cause harm or evil. I will just keep praying. I don't want to go down that road of divorce. Please help.... I know my H has said a lot of things that others have said that have gone through this. But I have a really scarey sense about this. I truly can sense my H has given up & wants a divorce but on the other hand doesn't want to hurt all of us (me, girls & his family) & is trying to find a way to make it easy on us. That's why he's praying that God will answer his prayers to make us understand what he's doing. <P><BR>Thanks,<BR>LoveMESS
