This past Feb. I found out that my H was having cybersex with his sister's best friend. The OW obtained his email address, screenname and a picture of my H from his sister. His sister says that she had no idea that this OW was having cybersex with him. The OW asked for his info so that she could get help with her computer from my H. I asked his sister if she knew anything about the affair and she said no. However, she did know that this woman was "into" the cybersex world. She told me when she sent his info to her friend that she told her not to go there with my H. This tells me that she knew it could be a possibility. <P>Not only did she supply this OW with his info, but after the affair came out she tried to remain friends with her. The OWH put a stop to it, saying that she knew about her cybering all the time and didn't tell him. I don't know if she has any contact with the OW anymore or not. <P>This has hurt my feelings very badly. I'm not sure how to handle it. She lives in another state and is driving us crazy to come and visit her or let her come visit us. I want no part of her right now. Am I being selfish? Why is it that I feel like I can forgive my H and not forgive the OW and his sister? Is it because he shows me remorse and they do not? When I emailed the OW about this all she told me was she was sorry for going somewhere she shouldn't have gone. What kind of apology is that? My H thinks that I am being unreasonable. He says she is his sister and I will have to see her from time to time. How do I deal with this?<P><BR>NM

NM2001:<P>You have taken the steps to forgive your H; and it is an ongoing process. The same thing applies to your SIL, you feel betrayed by her as well. That will also require time to heal from, and will also be an ongoing process.<P>Talk to your H about the emotional turmoil you current feel about this matter. That given your current feelings, it isn't currently something that you can do. Tell him also that you are working on this issue and need his support.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

For me I looked at it this way, if I can forgive the man that means more to me, then why can't i forgive those who mean little to me! I think when someome you love most hurts you, you try to place the blame on other people, circumstances, ANYTHING than on where the blame lies and that is with H. We do this because in protecting our betraying mates we are also protecting OUR CHOICE that we made in who our marriage partner is. I think in your case your SIL believed that her best friend would respect her enough to know not to play any games with her family.

NM,<P>I am supportive of you. We will eventually have to face the issue but that will be in our time. I do believe that one can be cordial without being friends. We will not stay overnight nor will she stay with us until we both are comfortable with the situation.<P>Per our Radical Honesty discussion yesterday afternoon. <P>I support you. <P>Phantom

NewMe2001 & phantom,<P>So glad to hear of your support of your wife on this issue. <P>NM, just be cordial towards your SIL. Sounds like the plan to not stay with her is a very good one.<P>Perhaps you should let Phantom handle this with his sister to start with. That will show that the two of you are solidly together on this. It will also let your family know that you support your wife, that you love her. This is an important step for you to take in healing your marriage. <P> Is your SIL fairly young? It sounds like it. The fact that she gave personal information to another woman without checking with either of you first speaks of immaturity. And what was giving a picture of Phantom all about? Phantom, I’m not trying to be mean about your sister just wondering aloud. Perhaps these are thing you can pursue with her. You also might want to take the opportunity to explain to your sister about some of the MB concepts and about the proper boundaries around marriage.<P>NM, I don’t think that your SIL purposely tried to hurt you or your marriage. My bet is that it was just a stupid, immature thing she did not realizing the potential for hurt. She probably does feel violated by her “friend” but is trying to minimize it to alleviate any feelings of guilt she has. It was Phantom who had the responsibility to stop things from getting out of hand. Your issue is really with him. Though I understand your feelings toward your SIL.<P>RE: “We will eventually have to face the issue but that will be in our time.”<P>NM needs your support now. What is the purpose of waiting? Perhaps, while you are visiting your sister, you can take her aside and talk to her. Be careful not to love bust with your sister. Think through what you have to say in advance. But tell her. This could be a very good opportunity for rebuilding and improving the relationship between your wife and your sister. <P>Just MHO<P>Z<P><BR>