Hello. I am the BS of a 11 year marriage. I was married to the poster child for HE WILL NEVER STRAY. AND i was wrong. He and i stopped filling needs in and for eachother a long time ago. And finally, one of us went to find some comfort in another. It was him. He is so remorseful and the OW was nothing to him. He did not use her for anything but comfort and even that was hurtful to him. I believe him when he says most of the thigs that he says. Now i have to rebuild trust. How do you do that? How can you ever trust a person that would step out of the vows like that? Can it be done?? DO the triggers EVER stop setting off those feelings of not being enough and inadaquacy?? My other issue is that i have gained weight, a lot in fact, I have had health reasons but the bulk of it has been just being depressed and not really caring. I went from being an outgoing, loves to be busy person, to being a house hermit. My H is a very busy needs to be LOIVING life guy. That has never changed. I have always tried to keep up with him, but sometimes it really takes all my strength to getout. I know i am suffering from depression, and am making steps to recover from that. I was suicidal and am thankfully over that stage. I love the me inside and i know that H loves that person too, and i desperatly want her to come out and live again.<BR> I recently saw myself in a video, and totally was in tears. I hated what i saw<BR>How CAN HE LOVE THAT WHALE? I was not that way when we met. I am sure that had soemthing to do with the A ( she was tiny and perfect) He tells me all the time now that he lovesme the way I am and will support and help me lose the weight. Is there a message board for those trying to lose weight out there?? DO any of you know?? I know i am a emotional eater and NEED HELP NOW!!! I know i am jumping around on subjects, but i am finally stating i have a weight problem and that is a major release for me. I know my marriage will survive, it will take time. I also know that one day i will be able to look in the mirror again, i just need HELP so badly.<BR>And yes i am a woman, the name is because i have found that no matter how bad you feel if you scream the words to that song you cannot be upset!!!<BR>Jes<P>------------------<BR>if life was easy where would the LESSONS be??

JWABF:<P>Jeremiah was also a prophet: fundamentally, he talks about consequences for good and bad choices. Being the Old Testament, redemption is a distant dream.<P>In your current situation, you have the means to heal emotionally, spiritually and physically. It is up to you, however, to implement them.<P>In addition to seeking online forums for your weight problem, consult with your doctor (both your regular physcian and a counselor). Attack problems from as many angles as possible.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

J.... bullfrog -<BR>Welcome to MB, I am sure you've read lots, especially on the Just Found Out board, which gives you the initial info to Marriage Builders.<P>There will be alot of wonderful individuals with great words of wisdom for you. If you are hurting inside, a great place to start is to get Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs - you can get direct from Dr. Harley on this web site and save some money. Read those two books, and hopefully (I think he would sounding from your post) have your H read them too.<P>I know what you mean about self-esteem. After being hit with a freight train blow like an A it is hard to be anything but what you have described. I will let you know I am kind of a house hermit too right now. My d-day was June 9-14, 2000, and I still feel like I do not want to go out and face people. I am not the happy go lucky person I use to be either. But everyone must take responsibility for where their marriage is at the present.<P>You can lose the weight you've gained. Post that affirmation on your refrig... start drinking water, walking, eating some fruit, cut down on the fat. Your H should be (hopefully) willing to be your walking partner - since you need to apply some MB principles - and time is one of them. <P>I acknowledge to myself that I still have pain inside for what my H did to me, and to what I am responsible for in my marriage. It takes time to get through this, but there are success stories, and we can be one of them also.<P>Take care, write often, visit as much as you can. It was nice meeting you Jes. hugs, aftershock<P>

J ..... bullfrog,<BR>I forgot to mention - ME TOO - I was naive enought to say (also) my H would never cheat on me. 13 years, 2 girls. We are recovering slowly. It is called meeting each other's needs - my H doesn't meet my SF and affection needs, and I don't meet his domestic help need. I am a packrat, and dealing with all the stuff we've bought.<P>And . . . I say how could he forsake his marriage vow? I told him last weekend I want to renew our marriage vows - I'll win in the end - he thinks its weird - I don't.<P>Talk to you later, hugs, aftershock

((((J))) Big hugs for you. I can totally understand how you are feeling about the weight. I have had weight problems all my life. When my H left, I went the opposite of you. I couldn't eat because everything tasted like cardboard. Once I noticed I'd lost 10-15 pounds, I decided I'd do it on purpose. I started using Slim Fast. I am still doing it and have now lost 45 pounds. Slim Fast has a website where you can set up your own personal plan. I encourage you to try whatever you find that works for you. It will do WONDERS for your self-esteem, as well as get you in shape for the on-the-go lifestyle of your husband. My husband actually started noticing and worrying when the weight came off, I got contacts and started wearing make-up and it wasn't for him!! One thing to try and hold onto; your husband is with you. He says he loves you just as you are right now. Allow him to do that. Make the changes you want to make -- but make them for you! In the meantime, if H loves you, and you KNOW that God loves you, it's time for YOU to love you!!! I wish you much success and happiness in your future. Please feel free to e-mail me if you want extra support for the weight issues. klazaretti@faegre.com<P>God Bless!<BR>Kari

I did a little surfing and found a support board for WW and decided to lurk there a few days too. I htink i will find my support there for the weight issue. I really need to know about triggers from here though. How and when do the GO AWAY??<BR>Jes<BR>And thank you for the replies I will answer them this evening.<P>------------------<BR>if life was easy where would the LESSONS be??

Hi! Welcome! I can certainly relate to the weight thing. And I too, when d-day occurred I honestly couldn't eat anything for about 3 days. I forced myself to eat one small meal a day and drink tons of water, adn I started walking every day. It keeps your mind busy, gets those endorphins going, and gets the pounds off too. I was determined also that my weight was NOT going to be one of those things that WH could point at later and say, "see? I knew you wouldn't change!" I figure of all the things I need to change about myself, it's to lose weight. And also the thing I KNEW I COULD change. The habits, personality issues, filling his EN's... etc... are a little tougher to work on - I think. After I saw those first few pounds drop, and I discovered I could conquer my addiction to food, I kept going and have lost 22 pounds now in 7 weeks. I want to keep going!<P>Read read read the principles and postings here to work on the other stuff. You can do it. You are going through the same stuff many of us are, so know that you are not alone.<P>Keep reading, keep posting, and hang in there! <P>------------------<BR>Faith1<p>[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited July 06, 2001).]

Thank you for your replies. They made me feel good. Today I am having a bad day. My WH is out of town for a job and when he left we said NO GOING OUT, he would be limited to his Hotel room,because i am not emotionally ready to deal with him in a bar, fun situation without me. This morning he calls and says he is going out for the day with some of the guys he works with. WE talked and it was decided that he shold go, but why do i still feel like i have this hole in my stomache? HE tells me he will never hurt me again, that he loves me, all the things i want and need to hear, but why is it that sometimes i cannot take it for the face value it is offered. Why does the A seem to fester in MY head while HE seems to have gotten over it and needs to move on to the safety of our family again. Why does it feel that all the BIG changes seem to come from me, I need to make him feel safe, and loved, and special, while he is doing to same just not in the same intesity. I am totally over thinking baout this too, but that is the way I think about things. Ok i am now rambling again.<BR>Jes<P>------------------<BR>if life was easy where would the LESSONS be??

Iunderstand the feelings of H being away, you have to trust, if you cannot do that then the demons will win. I fight that EVERYDAY and my H is GONE until August. It was due to him being away the he had the opporunity to have the A, so i fight this every day, ANyway i can support you!<BR>Maine<P>------------------<BR>IN the words of BOB the BUILDER!!" WE can fix it, yes we can!!!"

back tothe top, i think others can help this on more.<BR>Maine

Hi Jeremiah,<P> I can really relate to you.....the A demolishes one's self esteem. I realized this and have decided to take control.<P>I had lost weight due to my H's A but in recovery went back to where I was before. I've decided I want to be thinner FOR ME .I've joined Weight Watchers and the exhilaration I feel by taking charge is great.<P>Here's your chance to say, no matter what, I'm happy with myself. Get yourself to WW(it is a great program and incredibly easy) start exercising, do the things that will make you feel good. What about some kind of class?, do a project to make yourself feel confident.<P>We have moved due to the A and I decided that I was letting the A control me and making excuses for NOT taking care of myself. I am forcing myself to get out and meet new people ..... Anyway, I understand how you feel, you need to DO SOMETHING about how you are feeling....LU