adamsol's question about the OM's cell phone and the responses got me thinking about this...<P>How much "disrespect" is tolerable in Plan A? Is it as much as the BS can take, and then it moves to Plan B, or is it possible for the BS to tolerate disrespect as part of Plan A?<P>For example, I LB'ed my W the other night because she took a call from the OM on her cell phone. I felt that him calling her on the 4th at our home and her answering in the middle of one of our "talks" was disrespectful to me.<P>Well, boom! It turns out she thought I was being disrespectful to HER! She used this incident to springboard into accusing me of "smothering" her, and then proceeded to jump back to other times I've been "smothering" her in the marriage. (Actually, she said I was "in her face.") Now, her point was that I already know about the A and the OM. I already know that she refuses to end it. Why get "in her face" now?<P>I tried to explain that my reaction was (I think I'm safe in saying this) NORMAL. But I've since realized that the most successful way to cope is not anger. I don't know THE most successful way to cope, but for her, unless I want a huge LB, I'd better play it cool.<P>This seems like nonsense. But we come back to trying to reach a state of enlightement where you are loving unconditionally while simultaneously being strong and holding your own.<P>Being "nice" and not trying to end the A, and instead continuing to try to meet ENs sure feels like you're saying "Go ahead! Have the A! Can I help?" It seems to make it so much easier for the WS... and I guess it does... But I think you have to do it.<P>I'm just not sure where this leads from here... Me moving out in two weeks, her continuing her A, me continuing to attempt to Plan A... I'm not sure how or where Plan B fits in... But I am reading SAA so maybe I'll know more when I'm done...<P>I'm starting to really doubt my Plan A work so far... I'm going to make a separate Plan A post later, and I'd appreciate it if you guys would take a look...<P>Thanks,<BR>zen

zen:<P>Consistancy is the hallmark of a good plan A. If you're able to keep the environment safe and pleasant, and to change your marital behaviors for the better---you're doing an effective plan A. Often the wayward spouse DOES notice---but you may not find out how effective you've been until after 6 months of Plan B. The affair really must be over before you're going to get honest feedback---so don't expect any.<P>Disrespect and "lovebusting" by the wayward spouse is a major issue. If you shut up and take it---you're violating the Rule of Honesty, and the POJA---and you're internally building up resentment. On the other hand, your wayward spouse will be supersensitive on you "telling" her anything---and you see the results in the form of a lovebusting session.<P>Try to pick the MAJOR issues that are killing your love for your wife. The affair is top---but she's probably unwilling to end it. What behaviors are driving you nuts? Figure out the top two or three, and calmly discuss them with your wife---let them know that they cause you great pain, and that you'd really appreciate negotiating around them.<P>In my wife's affair, the top three were:<P>1. She took our kids to visit OM and his children. I successfully POJA'ed our kids out of the affair situation.<P>2. Phone calls from the OM to our house. I let her know how much they upset me, and that I would really appreciate that she tell him not to call our house---and that she call him when I wasn't home (an obvious compromise).<P>3. Coming back late from her "weekend" trips at the OM's. Again, we POJA'ed an agreement that she would call me immediately after leaving his house on her cell phone, so I would know when to expect her home.<P>Now, of course, none of those things made me feel "terrific". But they did help me stay in plan A longer. Try to see if your wife would buy into something like that for the phone calls.<P>And if you upset her, apologize for it. Don't defend yourself.

zen - I know exactly how you feel. It ain't fair. Here SHE should be the one kissing YOUR butt. But you see where she's coming from - she blasted YOU for complaining about taking the call from OM right in front of you. You are not dealing with a rational person. Think of her as her evil twin. She is not your wife. She was abducted by aliens and had her brains scrambled. Makes perfect sense, doesn't it?<P>Plan A is hard as he$$ to do. None of us do it perfectly - especially at first.<P>I can't make your frustration go away - you are absolutely justified for feeling the way you do. But I can say this - your wife is doing all the standard stuff. It's spooky how similar they all are. That's why we joke about the Mothership. It's the only way we can explain it - totally absurd.<P>Please try to hang on and vent to us. you're among understanding folks here.<P>WAT

God stuff, good stuff... You know K, I might use those same three yo got there in my list... and thanks WAT.<P>I'm off to play some hoops-<P>-zen