Thanks, you were a big help to me today. Dawn

Dawn:<P>Anytime. We are here to help one another. Ethan Allen said it best, "If we do not hang together, we will assuredly hang separately."<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Again thanks,<P>What lifted the fog for you or did you just see through it?<P>Dawn

Dawn:<P>My conscience had me already leaning toward resolving it. But I did not know how to do it; and some part of me was "dragging my feet." D-day came, and opened my eyes fully. The pain that I had caused zorweb came crashing in fully to mix with the guilt and confusion I already was feeling. The enormity of what I had done was as gut-wrenching to me as it was to her. We were both in terrible pain.<P>Very shortly thereafter, thank God, we discovered Dr. Harley's books <I>Surviving an Affair</I> and <I>His Needs, Her Needs</I>. Reading them was an eye-opener! It didn't have to be over!<P>I knew that it was not going to be easy, but that by fully implementing Dr. Harley's principles, we had a chance. zorweb, to my everlasting gratitude, contributed by giving me the opportunity to fully implement the MB principles.<P>The help, understanding and friendship of those on this site was a further impetus. Without all those pieces falling into place as they did, I am sure we would have been just another divorce statistic.<P>So, if there was a "natural order" to this:<P>1. The WS must realize that the behavior is wrong and must take immediate and strong strides to give up the affair;<BR>2. The BS and WS must implement immediately the four principles: the rules of honesty, care, protection and time.<BR>3. Both must also sit down and do the Emotional Needs questionnaire, and move immediately to begin fulfilling each other's needs.<BR>4. Get counseling, either jointly or separately (in our case, separately, for various reasons). And, if separate, to share with one another, with radical honesty, what came out in the counseling session(s).<BR>5. To continuously honestly evaluate where we are and to provide a means to discuss our feelings, hopes and fears in a safe and loving way.<BR>6. Pray (optional ... not everyone participates in an organized religion).<P>There can be no vacillation, no waffling, no half-measures. No-contact means no contact; living the MB principles means adhering to them without exception (a white lie is still a lie); and, besides radical honesty, providing a safe haven for the other spouse to express themselves. The love bank begins to fill, the pain begins to ebb.<P>After that, it requires time to repair the damage. This is not a sprint, it is a marathon. The road to recovery is long, yes, but the ultimate reward is a far more fulfilling marriage and relationship. Despite the steepness of the toll to be on this road, in the long run we shall be better off for it.<P>Hope this helps,<BR>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Wow, what a wonderful answer, if I knew how I would put it on one of those must read threads, you've given great insight, I am sure you know how to put it out there on one of those threads, there aren't many still reading this one and I don't think that I should be the only one to gain from your knowledge.<P>So, can I hit him with the 2x4 to jump start his conscience? No, I know! He just isn't there, as much as I would love to show him your revealations, I know that he would see me as pushing and he would not absorb any of what he was reading. So I know that I must sit and wait, and Plan A while I do that til the 10th of Aug, am starting on the plan b letter later at work, just finished my resume and for someone that hadn't worked any job for more than a few months to a year, I have alot of skills. Can only handle one thing at a time right now!<P>Husband does check the MB site periodically, perhaps he will tonight while I am at work.<P>Again thanks, you must put that in the must read threads, then you wont have to type it so often, you have such wonderful wisdom and a unique way in presenting it. You and zorweb should take your act on the road, you both have so much to share and do so unselfishly.<P>Thanks, it does help!<BR>Dawn

Dawn:<P>Glad the words helped. I don't mind retyping: (1) I am a fast and accurate typist and (2) in typing out each response, it forces me to think ... new revelations are constantly occuring to me in this process. By writing them out, it reinforces the lesson(s) in my mind.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

daybreak,<P>Thanks for the kind words. STL and I are getting so much out of this forum. I am so very glad we found it. <P>Hope things go better and better for you<P>Z<BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

STL & zorweb,<P>You are two of a kind and a good kind to be. I know that things will be better for me, and I truly mean that, just don't know that that will be with my H and that is ok, it's sad but ok. Any thoughts on the Plan B letter would be helpful. I guess I need to go look up the Plan B info.<P>Had a nice time tonight, all kids were gone doing there own thing, and H and I sat and watched a movie, didn't talk much, but where there together and I thought wow this is the way it should be at this stage in our lives, contentment. Then I got to work and had brought a Family Circle Mag with me Aug 7th edition, and there is a story "When intimacy breeds contentment" am just reading it now good stuff. How ironic? Lots of that happening in my life right now!<P>So glad that I have the job that I do that I get to me here and read mags and such, I love my job!!!<P>Take care Dawn

Daybreak,<P>Sounds like a great job. I'd like one like that.<P>I understand what you are saying about how at times things seems to just fall into our laps at the right time.<P>That happened with the book "Surviving an Affair". It must have been the first week after d-day that I went to the bookstore looking for something on affairs. At that point I was in shock and was sure that my marriage was over. I think that the only reason I went to the bookstore was that I always seek knowledge when I have a problem to solve. I certainly did not expect to find what I did. I bought “Surviving An Affair” along with a couple of other books. Don’ t even know why I choose it except that it looked like it had a plan of action. <P>That book saved my marriage. No only did it save my marriage but it has made it richer<P>I learned a long time ago that when I try to control the events in my life it all falls apart. But when I give up, and hand it over to God somehow everything seems to fall into place. I’ve learned to trust it over the years. <P>Because of the turmoil of your current situation, you are growing as an individual. Like you say, you will do fine no matter the outcome of your marriage. When my previous marriage ended in 1996 I was sure that I’d never have another love or ever be married again. Then, on January 18, 1999 I met STL. At that point neither one of us was looking for anyone to date, much less marry. And here we are today. Yes, we went through some rough times here, but I honestly believe that we are beyond that. I also believe that our lives are richer because of what it has forced us to learn. There is a silver lining on this cloud. <P>I hope that your silver lining is the one you have been wishing for.<P>Z<BR>

DayBreak,<P>Almost forgot, you mentioned the Plan B letter. I'd start out with the one in the SSA book. Then personalize it a bit. Why not put your letter out here for us to help you with. Many people have done that. It seems to help.<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare