It has been 5 months since I discovered my wife's affair. I am amazed how the thoughts related to this seem to some days consume my mind. I was wondering how often the BS thinks about what the WS did. Maybe something like this is useful:<P>1. How long since D day?: 4 months, <BR>2. Do you think about it each day? (No, sometimes, often, yes) Yes for me.<BR>3. What percentage of the day do you think about it?: 50%<BR>4. Does it affect your productivity at work? yes<BR>5. How productive are you now: 50%<BR>6. Are you male or female? Male<BR>7. On the road to recovery if 10 is fully recovered and 1 is the very start when you discovered this what are you?:<BR>For me I think it is a 6.<BR>8. What do you think about the most?<BR>For me why she allowed it to happen. Also sexual details. Why she would risk a new marriage, risk divorce, risk getting pregnant, risk getting AIDS all for a few minutes of pleasure? Affairs seem like the ultimate selfish thing. Maybe the WS gets 10 minutes of pleasure (talking about the first encounter) and the result could be 10 years of pain for the BS. Is it really worth doind that to someone?<P>[This message has been edited by Rodger (edited July 06, 2001).]<P>[This message has been edited by Rodger (edited July 07, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Rodger (edited July 09, 2001).]

To answer your questions.<BR>1. 4 mos.<BR>2. yes<BR>3. 60 -70%<BR>4. yes<BR>5. 50%<BR>6. female<BR>7. 5

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Rodger:<BR>[B]It has been 5 months since I discovered my wife's affair. I am amazed how the thoughts related to this seem to some days consume my mind. I was wondering how often the BS thinks about what the WS did. Maybe something like this is useful:<P>1. How long since D day?: 10 months, <BR>2. Do you think about it each day? Yes<BR>3. What percentage of the day do you think about it?: 40<BR>4. Does it affect your productivity at work? yes<BR>5. How productive are you now: 80<BR>6. Are you male or female? M<BR>7. On the road to recovery if 10 is fully recovered and 1 is the very start when you discovered this what are you?:7<P>You should also ask what do you think about? Me I am mostly angry ( my name!!!). I think about OM, her betrayal, but mostly whther I want to stay in the marriage and whether I still love her. I dont think about the sexual details so much anymore.<P>P.S. I read and answered you other post first before I realised your W had betrayed you.<BR>

1. How long since D day?: 5 weeks <BR>2. Do you think about it each day? (No, sometimes, often, yes) Yes <BR>3. What percentage of the day do you think about it?: 50%<BR>4. Does it affect your productivity at work? yes<BR>5. How productive are you now: 50%<BR>6. Are you male or female? Female<BR>7. On the road to recovery if 10 is fully recovered and 1 is the very start when you discovered this what are you?: 3<P>I think about the sex, but mostly I think about the emotional affair. Just them being together smiling, laughing, hanging out, calling each other, saying sweet things to each other... grrrrrr...... Now I'm angry.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Faith1

1. How long since D day?: 6 months, Emotional Affair only lasting 3+ years so far.<BR>2. Do you think about it each day? Yes<BR>3. What percentage of the day do you think about it?: 70<BR>4. Does it affect your productivity at work? Yes<BR>5. How productive are you now: 40-70%<BR>6. Are you male or female? M<BR>7. On the road to recovery if 10 is fully recovered and 1 is the very start when you discovered this what are you?:2<P><BR>I think about her unwillingness to end it.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by SaltWater (edited July 06, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Rodger:<BR><B><P>1. How long since D day?: 1 year <BR>2. Do you think about it each day? (No, sometimes, often, yes) I think about it every day<BR>3. What percentage of the day do you think about it?: 75-80%<BR>4. Does it affect your productivity at work? yes<BR>5. How productive are you now: 50%<BR>6. Are you male or female? female<BR>7. On the road to recovery if 10 is fully recovered and 1 is the very start when you discovered this what are you?:<BR>4 to 5<BR>8. What do you think about the most?<BR>definately wondering about ever trusting him again, and how he could do this and still love me<P>[This message has been edited by Rodger (edited July 06, 2001).]</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

sorry rodger, I misquoted with reply- rodger obviously didn;t write that, since I suspect you are male <P>sorry<P>H2M

1. How long since D day?: 2 months <BR>2. Do you think about it each day? Yes <BR>3. What percentage of the day do you think about it?: 10%<BR>4. Does it affect your productivity at work? not much now<BR>5. How productive are you now: 80% <BR>6. Are you male or female? Male<BR>7. On the road to recovery if 10 is fully recovered and 1 is the very start when you discovered this what are you? 2<BR>8. What do you think about the most? WHY??? & Does she know it hurts me so deep?

1. How long - 10 weeks<BR>2. Do I think about it each day - yes<BR>3. What % - all the time that I'm not busy<BR>4. Affect productivity - sometimes<BR>5. How productive - 80%<BR>6. Female<BR>7. Recovery - 4<BR>8. What do I think about? - Why he would risk losing everything in our lives for the other man. Should I stay and keep on smiling on the outside and dying on the inside or should I go?

<BR>1. How long since D day?: 8 months<BR>2. Do you think about it each day? that depends on the triggers which are often and frequent.....yes daily<BR>3. What percentage of the day do you think about it?: 50%<BR>4. Does it affect your productivity at work? yes<BR>5. How productive are you now: 90%<BR>6. Are you male or female? Femsle<BR>7. On the road to recovery if 10 is fully recovered and 1 is the very start when you discovered this what are you?:<BR>7 on a good day<BR>8. What do you think about the most? if there is contact or if he still thinks of her<P>

1. How long since D day?: 2 weeks<BR>2. Do you think about it each day? yes<BR>3. What percentage of the day do you think about it?: 30%<BR>4. Does it affect your productivity at work? yes<BR>5. How productive are you now: 50%<BR>6. Are you male or female? Male<BR>7. On the road to recovery if 10 is fully recovered and 1 is the very start when you discovered this what are you?:<BR>2<BR>8. What do you think about the most? I try not to think or ask about sexual details. It will just make this even harder to deal with. Mostly I think about whether or not she still talks to him, and if she'll ever love me more than she loves him.

Well, this is interesting. I guess I am replying that it gets better with time...at least that is what I hope my post will convey... It never goes away though, but slowly your thoughts become more "you" centered and less WS-centered. And hopefully you learn something about yourself that will help you in future relationship (with WS or not).<P>1. How long since D day?: 2 and 1/2 years<BR>2. Do you think about it each day? Yes.<BR>3. What percentage of the day do you think about it? 25% (down from about 90% I'd say)<BR>4. Does it affect your productivity at work? yes<BR>5. How productive are you now: 80% (this is up from 20% at the worst stages)<BR>6. Are you male or female? Female<BR>7. On the road to recovery if 10 is fully recovered and 1 is the very start when you discovered this what are you?:<BR>We are divorcing so I refer to my personal recovery - 7<BR>8. What do you think about the most?<BR>What I have learned, applying principles to my behavior, anger at BS for still wanting to be friends, occasional thoughts/sadness of BS/OW together, excitement for my "new" life.<P>

1. How long since D day?: 4 months, <BR>2. Do you think about it each day? Yes <BR>3. What percentage of the day do you think about it?: 80%<BR>4. Does it affect your productivity at work? yes<BR>5. How productive are you now: 40%-60%<BR>6. Are you male or female? Male<BR>7. On the road to recovery if 10 is fully recovered and 1 is the very start when you discovered this what are you?:<BR>3.<BR>8. What do you think about the most?<BR>I think about the time they spent together. How he used her to getr what he wanted and why she still cannot see that. I think about her giving herself freely to another man.

<B>Hello Rodger</B><P>Thanks for the interesting survery. I am going to respond here and I have also asked my husband to answer the very same questions. That really was tricky as he doesn't like to talk usually. He was <B>POJA</B> on answering these though. I know this isn't exactly what you were asking for, regarding the WS answering, but I thought it would add an interesting perspective to it. Besides I was curious as to what his answers would be. <P>So here goes...<P><B>1. How long since D-day?</B><BR>Two years & 5 mos.<BR><B>2. Do you think about it each day? (No, sometimes, often, yes)</B><BR>Yes, and often. <BR><B>3. What percentage of the day do you think about it?</B><BR>I think about it 10 to 25% of the time depending on the day. Sometimes it’s affected by how often I read here or correspond with people from this site.<BR><B>4. Does it affect your productivity at work?</B> <BR>Sometimes.<BR><B>5. How productive are you now?</B> <BR>Many days I am not as productive as I should be or would like to be. Again it depends on the given day.<BR><B>6. Are you male or female?</B> <BR>Female<BR><B>7. On the road to recovery if 10 is fully recovered and 1 is the very start when you discovered this what are you?</B> <BR>Our marriage is at a 7 or an 8, I’m at a 5 or 6 depending again on the day.<BR><B>8. What do you think about the most?</B><BR>The whole mess! I think about her and what he believes he felt for her and still feels for her. I think about if I were not in the picture (by death) how’d he go back to her and his belief that she’d come running back to him. How blasted hard this all is. I wonder how often he thinks of her? I think about what they shared emotionally, words spoken between them and the promises they made to one another. I remember every word he has said in regards to her or the affair. I wonder if he'll ever truly see it as a fog or realize it was not real love? I think about how to obtain closure and what would be the best way to gain it and move on from this. I wonder if this is something I will always think about and if she and the affair will come to my mind everyday for the rest of my life? (side note: I obviously think way too much. )<P><B>Now my dear hubby's answers</B><P><B>1. How long since D-day?</B><BR>I don’t know? Two years, three years? Two years ago this past February?<BR><B>2. Do you think about it each day? (No, sometimes, often, yes)</B><BR>No, sometimes.<BR><B>3. What percentage of the day do you think about it?</B><BR>I can’t divide my day like that. Okay, one percent.<BR><B>4. Does it affect your productivity at work?</B><BR>No.<BR><B>5. How productive are you now?</B> <BR>Damn productive.<BR><B>6. Are you male or female?</B> <BR>Male.<BR><B>7. On the road to recovery if 10 is fully recovered and 1 is the very start when you discovered this what are you?</B> <BR>Nine.<BR><B>8. What do you think about the most?</B><BR>Affairs are bad news. It was a terrible thing that happened. A lot of pain for all involved. <P><BR>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't lose! What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B><p>[This message has been edited by A blessed Samantha (edited July 07, 2001).]

Ok, well, it's been almost 2 1/2 years since D-day and I am what they call a lurker here, hoping I can help someone in the way that some of the people helped me when I first started posting here. My answers:<BR>1. How long since D day?: 2 1/2 yeara<BR>2. Do you think about it each day? Rarely<BR>3. What percentage of the day do you think about it?: 5%<BR>4. Does it affect your productivity at work? nope<BR>5. How productive are you now: 100%<BR>6. Are you male or female? Female<BR>7. On the road to recovery if 10 is fully recovered and 1 is the very start when you discovered this what are you?:<BR>about an 8.5 or 9<BR>8. What do you think about the most?the love we have gained through this recovery.<BR>So you know what the future can bring...............God Bless!<BR>

1. How long since Dday?--2 years,5 months, 13 days<BR>2. Do you think about it each day?--yes<BR>3. What percentage of the day do you think about it?--50%<BR>4. Does it effect your productivity at work?--I am a mother, but I'd still have to say yes, sometimes.<BR>5. How productive are you now?--50%-90% depending on day.<BR>6. Are you male or female?--female<BR>7. Road to recovery--our marriage,9 1/2--me, about 2<BR>8. What do you think about the most?--Well do you have time for a book?<BR> Why, if she will ever find us, if he ever thinks about her, if he ever thinks about what he did, if he really knows how bad this has devistated my life, how much better she is (in the sack), how he could lie so easily, if he is ever tempted now, how much he 'looks', how could I have married someone I don't even know, if he still has things he hasn't told the truth on, does he think of her when we sleep together, how could I let this happen, how did I ever take him back, how did I ever get through this, did he know he was going to do this when we got married, were there others before her, or before we were married, did he think about me while they were doing it, why did he marry me, how does he 'know' it will never happen again, details, could I really not have done any better than this, can I really live the rest of my life feeling like the biggest loser and definately not first choice, did he really think I was that dumb, what is there that I don't know,...the list could go on forever.<P>I know this post doesn't sound like it, but things are 100% better than they were 2 1/2 years ago.

1. How long since D day?: 10 months<BR>2. Do you think about it each day? Yes<BR>3. What percentage of the day do you think about it?: 90% (sometimes even in dreams)<BR>4. Does it affect your productivity at work? yes<BR>5. How productive are you now: 60%<BR>6. Are you male or female? Female<BR>7. On the road to recovery if 10 is fully recovered and 1 is the very start when you discovered this what are you?: Marriage 3 Me 4<BR>8. What do you think about the most? 1) The grief I feel over the "loss" of my best friend, fun companion, my lover and totally trusted mate. 2) How could he do this to us, and how can he still be acting the way he does so much! 3) When will/ will he recover enough from his depression and self-concept struggles enough to start actually participating in our recovery and help my heart heal? 4) What am I still doing wrong? Or What can I do differently? (Depends upon my mood)<P>Yea! I know! I still have a head full of thoughts!<P><BR>God give us strength<P>AFL<BR>

1. How long since Dday? 3 weeks and 3 days<BR>2. Do you think about it each day? yes<BR>3. What percentage of the day do you think about it? 75-90%<BR>4. Does it effect your productivity at work? I'm a stay-at-home mom, and yes, it affects me greatly. Dust collects, laundry piles up and I'm serving chips and sandwiches at every meal. I feel too sad to do anything.<BR>5. How productive are you now? About 50%, I guess. Even though the house is declining, I do feed the children and smile and even laugh a little. I feel like that is a big achievement over the first week when I couldn't do anything at all, including stopping crying.<BR>6. Are you male or female? female<BR>7. Road to recovery? The marriage is recovering much faster than I am. My WS dropped the OW immediately, tries very hard to reassure me, etc., so I'd give the marriage is at about 4. (Not bad for less than a month out.) I'm about 2.<BR>8. What do you think about the most? Them in bed together: the things they did. Comparing myself to her, though I've never seen her. (She is very thin, I'm average with post-twin-pregnancy effects.) Worrying that he will tire of me and my grief and betray me again. Anxiety about whether anything he says to me now is the truth.

As the wife of Sad_n_lonely, I think about it every day, quite a bit during the day. I found out for sure in February, but had a hint earlier. The amount of time I think about it is right around 75%. It is hard when your spouse talks to her every day. I am still working on learning the computer, so I don't know how to answer all the questions by bringing them up on this screen. I think it is only natural to think about it every day quite often. Just think how much the WS thinks of the OW everyday. YUK.<P>On being productive, I am now about 50%. I was in the beginning probably about 5-10%. You just have to say we both can't sit here in pity all the time. So one of us needs to make the move. I decided for the kids sake I needed to make the move and get working on finances, and etc.<P>On the road to recovery, we have not even gotten to l. How can you when the OW is present all the time in his mind and on his phone. Like Jennifer says, we have not gotten off of block l to follow the path to marriage harmony.<P>I am the wife, female.<P>I think about the most, is about my husband. How could he being a professed christian do this during marriage. That bothers me a lot. How could he subject our kids to this kine of action. This action has shown the kids you cannot trust anyone you marry, there dad who they looked up to is having an affair and is dishonest with their mom. My 19 year old daughter brough up in a family meeting a few days ago, you yell at mom a lot, and make mom cry a lot. <P>I try to smile and be as cheerful as I can to make things run smoother. If only he would be there to join this path of MB.

Rodger,<P>I am D now, but thought my stats would let you guys know how a BS feels even post-D regarding A.<P><BR>1. How long since Dday? (2+ years)<BR>2. Do you think about it each day? (yes)<BR>3. What percentage of the day do you think about it?(75%)<BR>4. Does it effect your productivity at work? (yes)<BR>5. How productive are you now? (75%)<BR>6. Are you male or female?(female)<BR>7. Road to recovery. (n/a)<BR>8. What do you think about the most?<P>8. (ans) Some days I think of everything. The lies I was told. The tapes/messages from OW to me, harassing me, and sexually manipulating my H. The uncaring and abuse. The idea my H's loyalty and compassion was for OW regardless of her pushy and abusive nature. The thoughts that my H thought of OW as "naive and lovable". The idea my H remembers nothing in terms of happiness we experienced. The things I could have done differently if I would have been a better keeper of the marriage. <P>So I guess you can see that forgiveness for some, is a long road ahead. I struggle with it daily. And I wonder most of everything else, if my H even thinks about me or any of our life together. Something inside me tells me he doesn't, that he has made himself believe (w/help from OW) that he did his time, gave me a chance and I failed, and now he is doing the "right" thing, and has rightfully moved on. That our 16 year marriage was a very long mistake. <P>Thanks for this post, Rodger. I needed to purge this morning. A BAD day for me. Sorry. <P>Jo