How in the heck do you stay in a marriage, when you are NOT in love with your wife and you are totally in love with this girl that you have been having a affair with? She has totally filled all the voids, the emotions, the support, the communication tasks and even, love. She taught me the feeling of love that I have missed in years. I have tried to have a good marriage and the only thing out of this marriage that I love is my daughter. My daughter hears us fighting, argue and even has seen up both cry. She also see's that there is no love between mom and dad. I was married infront of God and I am a believer in till Death do you part. I am married to a women that I am not in love with. But, I am so in love with this women. It's NOT the lust thing either. We have tried everything in this marriage to make it work, there is no respect, no laughter, no emotional needs being met on both sides. I am lost for words.... Could I make it right with God if I divorce?

Why did you marry your wife?

I married my wife because I was in love with her. That was over 12 years ago. Our marriage has been rocky for the past 5 or more years. We have both tried. I was NOT looking for another women to fill my void, but, she has filled my heart up with so much more then Love. This is really hard....

Divorce? I ask this because you did not marry your wife to end up in divorce, correct? If things have gone "downhill" perhaps you need to address the reasons why this happened. If you do not resolve the problems created in your current marriage, how on Earth do you suppose that you'll make it in any other marriage/relationship that you may have in the future? Your wife is probably bitter/hurt/angry, not to mention numerous other thoughts and feelings that are going through her mind as a result of your betrayal. <P>You need to take time out with your wife and explore the reasons WHY you went outside your marriage to meet your needs and HOW both of you can be better spouses to each other. <P>I feel certain that love was a great part of the reason that you took vows with your wife and love is still there, although hidden beneath all the baggage. You and your wife both need to read and demonstrate the policies of Marriage Builders. The steps described work if you give it time and your best effort. Honesty is the best policy.....with yourself, your W and the OW. Give your marriage the best shot possible and then think about divorce after all other avenues are exhausted.<P><BR>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B><p>[This message has been edited by GeezLouise (edited July 06, 2001).]

My husband's (SeenTheLight) XW left him for another man about 4 years ago. This new man was her soul mate, the love of her life. When STL asked her to give up the OM so that they could work on their marriage she refused and left him and the children. Nothing would stand in the way of her happiness.<P>Now zoom forward 4 years. His two children got home today from spending 6 weeks with their mother. She lives in a different state. I wish you could sit down and talk to them today, S-13, D-11. Actually I wish anyone could talk to them today. They are in such pain that they are climbing the walls. It takes them days to decompress from seeing their mother. They have suffered every day of their lives for what their mother did. We are concerned that by the time S-13 snaps out of this he will be too far along in high school to recover. D-11 still cries herself to sleep many nights. <P>In 1997 my divorce was final from my XH. He was emotionally and physically abusive as well as a serial cheater. My son was in second grade at the time. This last school year, 6th grade, was the first year that he was not severely depressed to the point of being non-functional many days. Thank goodness he is highly intelligent. (He read at the 8th grade level in first grade.) Because if he’d had to actually study in school he’d probably still be in second grade. <P>Would you like to come spend a few days at my house? I could use some help with these kids when their father is traveling. Then you can see what you are about to do to your daughter.<P>And do you know what is the saddest part of it all. My H’s XW now says that her live in arrangement with Mr. Love Of Her Life OM is now just an arrangement for convenience. She has even started to come on to my husband now. Guess she wants him back. She has nothing. She did this to her children for nothing.<P>The most loving thing you can do for your daughter is to love her mother. The state of your marriage is 50% your responsibility. Now that you have entered into an affair, you carry more then 50% of the burden to fix it. If you fell out of love with your wife it is because YOU let that love die. <P>There is a lot of material on this web site that can help you rebuild the love or your wife and visa versa. It works. Before you give up on your marriage and your wife. Please read the books “Surviving an Affair”, “His Needs, Her Needs”, and “Love Busters”. Get your wife to read them. Then give your marriage one year of good hard work with counseling with the Harley. <P>Sorry if I was harsh but this is real life. You are about to destroy your daughter’s life.<P>Z<P><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

I'm sorry that I dont have much time to post today, but just wanted to leave a few thoughts.<P>You married your wife because she met your needs. When you have children and jobs, our relationships often get neglected, needs go unfilled and a void is created. Someone you may spend more time with (possibly a coworker) begins to fill the void and you get the "in love" feeling. <BR>Your wife deserves to have first priority in meeting your needs. If you haven't, read Dr. Harley's books. I recommend Surviving an Affair first and then His Needs/Her Needs. You will understand so much after reading these. This does not mean your feeling for girlfriend will change but you will truly understand how you got there and what can be done to get back with your wife. It is hard work, but I ventrure to say that if you apply the Harley principles you can have a better marriage than you ever did.<BR>Please read as much as you can and keep coming back.

I am a alcoholic. I haven't touched a drink in years. 5 or so..... well, I used to cheat on my wife several times. Then I quit drinking. The pain is there still and it is brought up several times. We have gone through counselor after counselor and going to one now. Nothing seems to help. The counselor said that the train wreck was there, but you won't feel the pain till 5 to 8 years from now. So, now here we are....... pain is all fresh with her and I am trying to be supportive, but I can take only so much. I have ruined her, I am not saying that my actions were right. I just feel for my daughter and having her know that her parents are NOT in love is a hard one.

zerosilence,<P>Unfortunately, much of what is out there for marital counseling is not very good. If you will take a look at the MB material you will see that it is very different. They also offer counseling, or really marriage coaching. This is really different.<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

how old is your daughter and how does she know that her parents are not in love? <BR>You know, love is a choice. We can choose to do loving things even if we don't feel it at the moment. You daughter does not have to see her parents treat eachother badly. You can choose, for your daughter, to treat each other with mutual respect. I bet, if you did that, that you would start to view eachother differently.<BR>Your wife has weathered the alcoholism and now this. Give her the time to process things. Treat her with dignity even when you think you can't take much more of it. I am sure that she has felt the same over the years.

I agree with protecting your kid at all costs. That should be your priority. Her happiness and security comes first and you have created enough pain in her life. Enough is enough.<P>If the grass looks greener on the other side, water your own grass. It will get green too.

<B>I just feel for my daughter and having her know that her parents are NOT in love is a hard one.</B><P>This won't help you much, but it doesn't seem to matter that much whether kids see a terrific marriage or a disapointing one. According to Judith Wallerstein [Unexpected Legacy], the main thing for kids is the security of having their parents there in the background. In my own case, my siblings and I grew up seeing a marriage that's about as good as it gets. All four of us have been disasters at relationships. My own kids seem to be thriving although my H and I have not touched each other (not even to hug or kiss hello or goodbye) for nearly a year.<P><B>How in the heck do you stay in a marriage, when you are NOT in love with your wife</B><P>This has been my challenge too. I cut off contact with OM for my own sake to try to stay in the marriage for the kids. I tried to be completely honest with H about the affair and everything else. <P>The painfully horrible part of this is that you probably can't stay without giving up OW. I basically decided my happiness wasn't a relevant consideration, that I would just commit emotional suicide. The problem was, the emotions refused to just die. I feel for you and your family.<P>Dori (new again -- used to lurk here)<BR>

just a question, but you are so concerned about God forgiving you for a divorce, because you know it's against His wishes, but you are okay to have had several affairs? Now, this is not the pot calling the kettle black by any means, I'm just trying to understand. Zorweb's post about their children is a wake up call, but it's one end of the spectrum. My best friend in high school had to deal with fighting parents and her father having an affair and no love shown between her parents. She was miserable at home, always wanted to spend the night with me, or have me and a few other girls stay at her house so her parents would behave. In the 9th grade one day after band camp, we were at her house in the big den watching videos and her mom and dad were in the kitchen arguing and she heard her dad say that when she turned 18 he was leaving, he was staying until she graduated so she could have a stable environment. She laughed her [censored] off. She basically told them that the environment she was in was about as unstable as it could get and she'd be a lot happier if her parents were happy and he didn't have to stay on her account. (Those weren't the exact words, but you get the point). She just wanted to be able to see both of her parents everyday and asked her dad if he was going to leave, to please stay in the same town and not go back to his home state. It worked out for the best for her because she graduated from UNC-CH and is now an officer in the Air Force. I'm not saying that's how your daughter feels, but every situation is unique and what works for one person may not work for another. If your daughter KNOWS there is no love between mom and dad, you should talk to HER and see how SHE feels about the situation.

Not the Weakest Link is right here. She shows the other side. It is the side that made me eventually agree to a divorce with my XH.<P>My point above is that there is a place between the two viewpoints. A place between divorce and an unhealthy home life. That is where both parents strive to not hurt each other and not hurt their children. It is a place where the parents love each other. This would take a lot of work in your situation but it is doable. I am only suggesting that you try very hard to preserve your marriage in a healthy manner. If that fails after a REAL attempt, then a divorce may be your only choice. If you and your wife do get a divorce, please do it in a way that does not destroy your child. Give her at least that gift.<P>As for your relationship with your OW, until you learn how to have a good healthy relationship, it is doomed too. <P>You have a lot of work to do on yourself, as all of us do. The material here at MB will help you learn to have a good relationship, whether it is with your wife or with anyone else. <P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

ZS,<P>I am kinda confuse! You are going to marriage counselor with your wife. Right? So everyone knows about each other, your girlfriend knows about you being married. Your wife knows about her. The counselor knows about the triangle that is happening between all 3. If your wife told you that she was having an affair, I guess that would solve your problem. Huh?<P>The point is do you even want to work out this marriage. It seems like you already made up your mind. You are continuing an affair while participating in counseling. You also stated that you are an alcoholic. It would be the same concept when you decided to stop the drinking. Did you go to AA, or some other type of counseling to get help for the drinking? Were you drinking when you attended the session? Do you see where I am going with this. How can you get any progress done on your marriage if you won't break the pattern? <P>You have to think long and hard on how this will affect everyone involved especially your daughter. People do not realize how one infidelity can hurt so many. There are always consequences in this type of action. Be careful for what you wish for in life. You never know at what price tag it can actually hold later.

zs:<P>Your love for your wife is depleted because you have both neglected what caused that love in the first place. Not uncommon in 12-year-old marriages.<P>The love you feel for the OW supplants the emotional void in your marriage. You chose to fill that void with your affair rather than apply a course of action to rebuild that with your wife.<P>What you are experiencing thus creates a fog, and the human propensity for self-justification lets you find "reasons" to abandon the harder work of rebuilding your marriage.<P>You and your wife let the marriage deteriorate--a condition in marriage generally not intentional--but only YOU made the decision to take the course you did.<P>Read Dr. Harley's concept of the love bank. You both have been making withdrawals from that account, and little in the way of deposits. Are you naive enough to believe that the final outcome with the OW will be any different 12 years hence? Statistics show that you will be ultimately disappointed.<P>The words you use to describe what you feel for the OW are the same words ALL WS's use. You think you have found something unique and different. You have not, but in your fog of self-gratification do not see it that way.<P>Lest you think that I am "venting" at you as another betrayed spouse, think again. I, too, have been a wayward spouse. When the fog lifts, you will realize fully the enormity of what you have wrought.<P>I would heartily recommend reading and taking to heart what Dr. Harley has available on this site. It would also behoove you to read <I>Surviving an Affair</I> and <I>His Needs, Her Needs</I>.<P>I hope you also have the opportunity to see the marital light and choose the course to which you pledged when you married.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL