Some of you know my story-<P>I have had a few days to think since my husband told me he is not sure if he romantically loves me anymore. He left AGAIN to figure out what he is going to do. <P>He told me on Wed. that I do not live up to his expectations, and in the next breath, he said that I am too good for him. I spent ten years trying to please him, and I lost my own identity. Then he left for two years, and I got back much of my identity and self-esteem. When he moved back in two months ago, I thought we had a real chance. We both had grown, or so I thought. I figured that he would never come back after that much time had gone past unless he really wanted this to work and he had ended his A. <P>About three weeks ago, he started acting depressed and was gone alot. I know that he is staying with OW while he "thinks", and it appears that is where he has been going the last few weeks. He has not admitted to an A, but tried to tell me why our relationship does not work. I have been trying to figure out why he does not have enough respect for me to tell me about the A. (Unfortunately, I have concluded that I have enabled his patterns and behaviors to avoid potential conflicts. I do take some responsibility.) But this is cruel. He did not give me a chance to make my own decision. I'm just "waiting" for him to stop by and let me know what we're going to do. That is absurd! I am SICK and TIRED of waiting for him to decide things. Be mature and tell me the truth. I think I deserve that after all these years. He has told me repeatedly that it is very unattractive of me not to have an opinion about things. He complains that I am passive and let people walk over me. I told him that after years of my opinion being discounted by him, I started controlling my answers. He said I should really learn to stick up for myself. Well, if that is what it is all about then I am going to tell him what I know to be the truth and demand some respect. He seems to be begging me to end our marriage, so he can be put out of misery and get on with his life and A without any guilt that he broke up with me. He is pointing out all of my faults as being the reason. He said he has focused on us for two months and it isn't working. I cannot let him think that I do not know about the A. I will not relieve him of his guilt. I deserve better than this! <P>Before he left, I told H that I wanted to save our marriage, and I suggested counseling. He said that we don't need counseling because that is for couple's who don't communicate. I cannot stay with him without counseling. He has many problems. I made an appointment with a new counselor for myself for Monday. And I made an appt with a divorce attorney for Tuesday. I need to feel empowered somehow. I have done nothing for too long. Knowing his ways, I expect that he will come by to talk this weekend and give "his" decision. Can't wait to hear it! <P>I apologive for my sarcasm. I have felt beat down by someone who is supposed to love and respect me and help me to grow. He seems to have forgotten that he has any faults.<P>

It seems to be a slow night here on MB. Don't do anything drastic until you get some feedback from some of the others that are more experienced, O.K.?<P>My initial response is You Go Girl! You DO have to believe in yourself, and not believe it when he tries to blame you. Have you studied the principles on the MB site or read the books yet? The principles here on the site don't take long to read over, and help tremendously. <P>I think you should go to both or your appointments, but please don't file the papers. Get your questions answered, but don't file. You have stuck around for the 2 years he was gone, don't you give up after 2 months either! It seems to me you haven't done a good plan A yet. I'm not experienced enough to know how to handle your situation - it almost seems like you are ready for plan B, since he hasn't admitted to the A and comes and goes as he pleases. Make him decide what he wants - but don't file papers yet! Wait and see what the others post, until then.... do your best to plan A. Make some changes that he can see - things that he has complained about that you KNOW are weaknesses you should work on, and don't LB. There's a lot of good posts lately describing Plan A and how to avoid LB's, because there seems to be a lot of new folks needing help with Plan A (I am one of them ). Hang in there, and don't believe his fog language, especailly when he blames everything on you. he is responsible for his own actions - not you!<P>------------------<BR>Faith1

Faith1 - Thanks for your reply. <P>I think I am seeing a divorce attorney because I fear he will come back and say that he is ready to divorce. In fact, I am prepared for him to file. I guess my pride makes me think I will feel better if I file first. Should I not say that I have an appt? Is that an LB or will he be relieved? Everything I'm saying sounds like Plan B. The more time he takes to "think", the more I am confused about my feelings for him. How can I love someone who doesn't want to be with me? I just don't want to hear that H wants to end it. I don't know which is worse - uncertainty or hearing the horrible truth? I am tired and have no energy right now to Plan A. How much should be said when H returns?<P>Thanks to everyone for your support, as usual!

Redon - you're no more indecisive than he is. I think you're correct in your suspicion that he wants you to file so he doesn't have to live with that decision for ever. He's still rationalizing his situation and trying hard to find fault in you to justify what's he's doing. Typical alien abductee behavior.<P>Please don't look at this like some kind of contest.<P>Do you think you have made your Plan A improvements and demonstrated them? If so, it could be time for a Plan B letter to help you feel more in control. You will feel like you're standing up for yourself and it will lay down YOUR conditions for any further work.<P>WAT